Thanks to Oscar Wilde
#1
She chased the glow of a neon sunset,
daydreaming of that faded skyline
and a luxury apartment
on the twenty-sixth floor,

while I sat with an impressionist
painting under the Whitestone Bridge -- 
reading his poems, thinking
that Art was finally useless.



She chased the glow of a neon sunset
daydreaming of that faded skyline
and her high-life apartment
on the twenty-sixth floor,

while I sat with an impressionist
painting under the Whitestone Bridge - 
reading his poems thinking
that Art was finally useless.

If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#2
Hi UselessBlueprint,
I don't have much to critique for such a short, to-the-point poem, but here are my thoughts.
(05-04-2019, 12:51 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote:  She chased the glow of a neon sunset comma? can't quite yet grasp the use of "neon"; maybe it's something to do with artificiality? I also almost feel like this line and the line below it share the same sentiment. Do with that whatever you will, but maybe I'm missing something.
daydreaming of that faded skyline
and her high-life apartment
on the twenty-sixth floor,

while I sat with an impressionist
painting under the Whitestone Bridge - two dashes for em dash?
reading his poems thinking you could either write "...poems, thinking..." or "...poems and thinking...".
that Art was finally useless.
Haven't read any Oscar Wilde yet to know how his mind works, so I can't judge this piece based on how well it plays off of who he was or his ideas. All that aside, it still didn't take away from my reading experience, which I enjoyed. I'm just still a little confused about who the woman in this poem is and what is the relationship between these two characters.

All the best,
Alex
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#3
All fair points. I'll fix the grammatical shortcomings right now, even. There's also nothing significant about who the woman is or what her relationship to the speaker is, the only significance is in her pursuits. And yes, neon should bring out the idea of artificiality, so let me know if that much isn't quite clear. Some other minor edits I may need to throw in there. As far as the Oscar Wilde reference, that's all within the final line -- nothing too crazy.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#4
hi useless, i felt this was an inward looking piece that was light yet rich for a short poem. i like the juxtaposition of the girl and the reader. the last line works well with the poem, a poem that isn't meant to influence art; but does create a mood. a why mood.
no inline feedback as you fixed the punctuation already. that last stanza i think is special.


(05-04-2019, 12:51 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote:  She chased the glow of a neon sunset,
daydreaming of that faded skyline
and a luxury apartment
on the twenty-sixth floor,

while I sat with an impressionist
painting under the Whitestone Bridge -- 
reading his poems, thinking
that Art was finally useless.



She chased the glow of a neon sunset
daydreaming of that faded skyline
and her high-life apartment
on the twenty-sixth floor,

while I sat with an impressionist
painting under the Whitestone Bridge - 
reading his poems thinking
that Art was finally useless.

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#5
I don't know if the impressionist painting is needed, given that you already have the poems. It overloads the last strophe.
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