Never Again
#1
Hi!

A week or so ago, I posted a poem (“Never Again”), for revisions on a project for my English class. I used some feedback that I received, and completely rewrote the poem. I’ve now included more focus on the rebellion, and added a rhyme. I hope these changes have made the poem better, and I would love to get some more feedback! 

One thing, when I added the rhyming aspect, I felt like at some times it felt a little forced? I’m not sure if you all agree but if you have any suggestions, please let me know! 

(Also, I considered adding this on as an edit to my previous poem, but it is so different that it didn’t really seem like the same poem)

Never Again

The gun was fired,
Children fell to the floor,
Their souls were so tired,
Their lives were no more.

As they took their last breath,
They were so pure,
What an unfair death,
They had to endure.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The entire world wept,
At this terrible loss,
In our hearts they are kept,
And marked with a cross.

What an awful event,
That took place in a school,
Their lives were spent,
By a bullet so cruel.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

But when their lives passed,
The kids were enraged,
And they decided at last,
To win this war that was waged

We’ll do more than cry,
The students concluded,
Though some had to die,
All have been wounded.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The students cried out,
“How is this right?”
They unite in one shout,
“We will stand! We will fight!”

“We don’t have to lose!”
“Help us fight back!”
They spoke to the news,
“We can end this attack!”

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

They needed to speak,
All had to see,
They were thought to be weak,
But the kids held the key.

“We cannot let,
These murderers win!
We could never forget,
Our memories within.”

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The kids wanted to fight,
But the world wasn’t sure.
The end was in sight,
But the world saw no cure.

“They are too young,”
“What could they do?”
The world’s voice rung,
“They’d have no clue!”

But the kids kept on trying,
They made people listen
In a world filled with dying,
Their hearts and souls glisten.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

They will fight for revenge,
They’ll fight to no ends,
They will fight to avenge,
Their young, fallen friends.

Continue the fight,
Continue to shout,
For at one night,
Without any doubt,

No more will die,
The war will end,
So raise your cry!
Of Never Again.


Thank you!
Reply
#2
hi madeline, first off let me say thanks for the feedback you give.

the poem:

the refrain: i think it would be much stronger as;
Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,

i'm not sure 'never again' adds anything, for me it makes the refrain weaker.
you could if you wished turn it round as well
Seventeen bullets,
Seventeen lives,


at present it feels wordy. in order for the rhymes to fit. the ideas you have are good but it feels a little like the imagery has been omitted for the rhyme. as it's in basic i'll just point out what i mean with one or two comments in the poem.
in general you tell a story of horror. yet it doesn't read as such. one way of getting the horror of such an occurrence out is to be more graphic using imagery. show the story don't tell the story. brevity is often your friend with this type of poem. there is a good solid poem in what you write, you just have to wring it out of what you have.   Thumbsup

(05-03-2019, 10:43 AM)MadelineN Wrote:  Hi!

A week or so ago, I posted a poem (“Never Again”), for revisions on a project for my English class. I used some feedback that I received, and completely rewrote the poem. I’ve now included more focus on the rebellion, and added a rhyme. I hope these changes have made the poem better, and I would love to get some more feedback!

One thing, when I added the rhyming aspect, I felt like at some times it felt a little forced? I’m not sure if you all agree but if you have any suggestions, please let me know!

(Also, I considered adding this on as an edit to my previous poem, but it is so different that it didn’t really seem like the same poem)

Never Again

The gun was fired,
Children fell to the floor, [to the floor] weakens the line to help the rhyme. [children fell] has more impact [children fell like...] has even more impact still because it's an image. an example; [children fell like chaff to the floor]
Their souls were so tired,
Their lives were no more.these two lines need to be stronger.

As they took their last breath,
They were so pure,
What an unfair death,
They had to endure.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The entire world wept,
At this terrible loss,
In our hearts they are kept,
And marked with a cross.

What an awful event,
That took place in a school,
Their lives were spent,
By a bullet so cruel.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

But when their lives passed,
The kids were enraged,
And they decided at last,
To win this war that was waged

We’ll do more than cry,
The students concluded,
Though some had to die,
All have been wounded.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The students cried out,
“How is this right?”
They unite in one shout,
“We will stand! We will fight!”

“We don’t have to lose!”
“Help us fight back!”
They spoke to the news,
“We can end this attack!”

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

They needed to speak,
All had to see,
They were thought to be weak,
But the kids held the key.

“We cannot let,
These murderers win!
We could never forget,
Our memories within.”

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The kids wanted to fight,
But the world wasn’t sure.
The end was in sight,
But the world saw no cure.

“They are too young,”
“What could they do?”
The world’s voice rung,
“They’d have no clue!”

But the kids kept on trying,
They made people listen
In a world filled with dying,
Their hearts and souls glisten.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

They will fight for revenge,
They’ll fight to no ends,
They will fight to avenge,
Their young, fallen friends.

Continue the fight,
Continue to shout,
For at one night,
Without any doubt,

No more will die,
The war will end,
So raise your cry!
Of Never Again.

Thanks
Reply
#3
ED
(05-04-2019, 10:59 AM)billy Wrote:  hi madeline, first off let me say thanks for the feedback you give.

the poem:

the refrain: i think it would be much stronger as;
Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,

i'm not sure 'never again' adds anything, for me it makes the refrain weaker.
you could if you wished turn it round as well
Seventeen bullets,
Seventeen lives,


at present it feels wordy. in order for the rhymes to fit. the ideas you have are good but it feels a little like the imagery has been omitted for the rhyme. as it's in basic i'll just point out what i mean with one or two comments in the poem.
in general you tell a story of horror. yet it doesn't read as such. one way of getting the horror of such an occurrence out is to be more graphic using imagery. show the story don't tell the story. brevity is often your friend with this type of poem. there is a good solid poem in what you write, you just have to wring it out of what you have.   Thumbsup

(05-03-2019, 10:43 AM)MadelineN Wrote:  Hi!

A week or so ago, I posted a poem (“Never Again”), for revisions on a project for my English class. I used some feedback that I received, and completely rewrote the poem. I’ve now included more focus on the rebellion, and added a rhyme. I hope these changes have made the poem better, and I would love to get some more feedback!

One thing, when I added the rhyming aspect, I felt like at some times it felt a little forced? I’m not sure if you all agree but if you have any suggestions, please let me know!

(Also, I considered adding this on as an edit to my previous poem, but it is so different that it didn’t really seem like the same poem)

Never Again

The gun was fired,
Children fell to the floor, [to the floor] weakens the line to help the rhyme. [children fell] has more impact [children fell like...] has even more impact still because it's an image. an example; [children fell like chaff to the floor]
Their souls were so tired,
Their lives were no more.these two lines need to be stronger.

As they took their last breath,
They were so pure,
What an unfair death,
They had to endure.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The entire world wept,
At this terrible loss,
In our hearts they are kept,
And marked with a cross.

What an awful event,
That took place in a school,
Their lives were spent,
By a bullet so cruel.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

But when their lives passed,
The kids were enraged,
And they decided at last,
To win this war that was waged

We’ll do more than cry,
The students concluded,
Though some had to die,
All have been wounded.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The students cried out,
“How is this right?”
They unite in one shout,
“We will stand! We will fight!”

“We don’t have to lose!”
“Help us fight back!”
They spoke to the news,
“We can end this attack!”

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

They needed to speak,
All had to see,
They were thought to be weak,
But the kids held the key.

“We cannot let,
These murderers win!
We could never forget,
Our memories within.”

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

The kids wanted to fight,
But the world wasn’t sure.
The end was in sight,
But the world saw no cure.

“They are too young,”
“What could they do?”
The world’s voice rung,
“They’d have no clue!”

But the kids kept on trying,
They made people listen
In a world filled with dying,
Their hearts and souls glisten.

Seventeen lives,
Seventeen bullets,
Never again.

They will fight for revenge,
They’ll fight to no ends,
They will fight to avenge,
Their young, fallen friends.

Continue the fight,
Continue to shout,
For at one night,
Without any doubt,

No more will die,
The war will end,
So raise your cry!
Of Never Again.

Thanks

Thanks for the input! I will work on making these fixes, and hopefully will post an edit soon!

-Madeline
Reply
#4
I think it has improved, and now sits closer to the idea of rebellion than your previous version. You begin very strong, up to "To win this war that was waged". After that, the rhyme does feel somewhat forced and the poem itself becomes wordy, as billy mentioned. Good rhymes don't always come easy, but a piece like this can make for good practice. I think the length of your poem and your chosen rhyme scheme will make the rhymes more challenging (ABAB carries a nice rhythm while something like xAxA is more flexible), but try not to view rhyming as a cage that restricts -- it's a tool that helps people remember your poem.

You also use the word "kids" pretty often. When referring to them as victims, it works to incite a certain pathos in the reader -- but when you refer to a rebel as 'kid' it diminishes their cause and their fight. In those cases, you might want to consider some of the other terms you used, such as students.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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