The Game
#1
The Game

Queen of hearts, your odor still on my fingers
morning after; I'd like to believe
that makes me the king,
gladly accepting that sword to my brain
just to lie atop of you,
dealer's hand not strong enough
to separate us- the queen of spades
that bitch I dated in college,
who lied about being pregnant
after I left her; the jack of diamonds,
our neighbor you avoid, who sells drugs,
yet helped change my flat tire last year,
but the truth is, we're just the low cards.
I'm a two who refuses to dream of threes,
you're a four pretending to be an eight by day,
only to have a box hidden under a twin bed,
where there's tarnished jewelry
your mother was supposed to be buried in,
and the truth is, I love the way it looks on you.

From NaPM 2019
Time is the best editor.
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#2
Howdy Richard, i don't know really how to critique intensively so I wrote the whole thing out to try and put myself in the writers perspective.  So here are some comments and questions I asked myself during the process

(05-02-2019, 07:32 AM)Richard Wrote:  The Game

Queen of hearts, your odor still on my fingers vivid image, recalls lots of prep time, is hearts capitalized as part of her title?
morning after; I'd like to believe
that makes me the king, cliche line?  
gladly accepting that sword to my brain death by orgasm
just to lie atop of you, ''just' seems to let the line down
dealer's hand not strong enough I don't believe strength has anything to do with dealing, I'm not sure you need the dealer reference, or make it more relatable to a card game since you have the relationship game going
to separate us- the queen of spades I want to capitalize queen and spades
that bitch I dated in college, spades sounds like a back stabber here.  Bitch might be pretty harsh too doggylike, 
who lied about being pregnant
after I left her; the jack of diamonds,I don't understand bringing up these two characters, the jack seems decent, maybe she's avoiding him for some reason, but you were pretty specific about the queen of spades.  And these two back to back seem far apart in time as well, unless you tie them to the dealer breaking them apart.
our neighbor you avoid, who sells drugs,
yet helped change my flat tire last year,
but the truth is, we're just the low cards.
I'm a two who refuses to dream of threes, you've lost me in the numbers, three would be something low but slightly better than two, but since they're people are you refusing to dream about the class of number, hooked up with an eight that's really a four cause you don't dream of threes.  Some boy kids in a high school recently had a pep rally of girls in their class lecture them in an auditorium about the perils of rating women.
you're a four pretending to be an eight by day,
only to have a box hidden under a twin bed,not a queen size interesting
where there's tarnished jewelry the jewelry relates back to the queenship that you dream about.
your mother was supposed to be buried in,if the mother was a queen the daughter also couldn't dream of threes, keeping the jewelry
and the truth is, I love the way it looks on you. You love the dream

From NaPM 2019

I think this tale could be expanded and either elaborated to make parts like the spades and diamonds and dealer more relatable, the low number section seemed too explanatory and can probably do without.  I guess I was looking for more of a game.  Hope this helps, interested to see what you do with it
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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#3
Hey CRNDLSM,
Thanks for the feedback. I think I might have got too bogged down with playing with the card imagery, and that might have distracted from what this should be about. You gave some good food for thought there. Will give this some thought before revising.

Thanks again,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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