On Frost
#1
I stopped a while to catch my breath
The air was cold, the hour late
I could not see the woods for trees,
The snow piled up so splendidly.

O pretty view, O lovely show, 
of falling, melting, frozen rain
and then again, I asked, is this 
The way to go?

I saw no road, I saw the dark
I saw the roots swell from the ground,
A twisted bone, the snapping sound
Of cruel and sudden injury.

The ants and owl, the deer, the moss
the white and crystal fingerprints
of nature are skilfully made
To get us lost in labyrinths.
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#2
(05-01-2019, 03:54 AM)Deanna Wrote:  I stopped a while to catch my breath suggest em dashes after this, and the next line
The air was cold, the hour late
I could not see the woods for trees, elegant recasting of what would otherwise be cliche
The snow piled up so splendidly.

O pretty view, O lovely show,  I see this stanza as a refrain, which justifies variation in meter and typography
of falling, melting, frozen rain
and then again, I asked, is this 
The way to go? if not capitalizing line beginnings, no capital here

I saw no road, I saw the dark perhaps an em dash here
I saw the roots swell from the ground,
A twisted bone, the snapping sound
Of cruel and sudden injury.  See below

The ants and owl, the deer, the moss
the white and crystal fingerprints
of nature are skilfully made meter seems off here; also you might consider capitalizing [N]ature since personified
To get us lost in labyrinths. See below

I enjoyed this visualization of woods in winter.  In basic critique, in addition to the above, a few suggestions.

In general, you use "the" quite a bit.  It's a perfectly good word, but in many cases where it doesn't signal uniqueness (a priest, the Pope) it can profitably be replaced by a more descriptive word.  For example, in your third stanza, "I saw the roots swell from the ground," think about the change replacing that first "the" with "black" or even "red" would make.  Or "live" or "dead" or "gray" - lots of space every time "the" appears.

At the end of S3, a challenge:  I like cru-el with a comma instead of "and," but there's no way to ensure the reader pronounces it that way.  On the other hand, I don't like "crool" - up to you, but can you devise a way to avoid it?

And the last line.  I'm not completely sold on "labyrinths" - the metaphor could use a little preparation earlier in the work, in my opinion.  But also, "get" seems a bit informal when the poem up to there has been high-toned (for lack of a better opposite to "informal").  Not to rewrite, but could this last line be given more punch with (for example) "leave" or "place" instead of "get?"  Better than either of those, of course.

Final note:  I mostly haven't tackled line-end punctuation, which is somewhat a matter of taste.  However, just to tlet you know, the pre-21st century practice of beginning each line with a capital letter is considered archaic by many on this board.  I can take it or leave it, but using capitalization only for sentence start and proper names can make the reading flow a bit better.  You did that (mostly) in your second verse/refrain; you might consider treating the whole poem that way as you edit, to see how you like it.

As noted, a nice poem.  Looking forward to your edits.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
Hey Deanna,
You start with a decent enough image, winter. However, my biggest suggestions would be to expand on your images more and worry less about rhyming. I'll go into more detail below:

(05-01-2019, 03:54 AM)Deanna Wrote:  I stopped a while to catch my breath
The air was cold, the hour late
I could not see the woods for trees,
The snow piled up so splendidly. -What made the snow look so splendid? You could add a whole other stanza going into detail about this.

O pretty view, O lovely show, -Again, what made this so pretty?
of falling, melting, frozen rain
and then again, I asked, is this 
The way to go?

I saw no road, I saw the dark
I saw the roots swell from the ground,
A twisted bone, the snapping sound -Maybe just "snap" instead of "snapping sound"? I feel like "sound" is just used to make a rhyme.
Of cruel and sudden injury.

The ants and owl, the deer, the moss
the white and crystal fingerprints -The image of a "white and crystal fingerprints" needs to expanded upon. Why are they "skillfully made"?
of nature are skilfully made
To get us lost in labyrinths.
I hope I wasn't too harsh here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#4
the poem does make me think frost' piece. i think the rhymes need some work on, keep it abba or abab or none. changing the meter in the last stanza is fine but try and keep it the same meter as the other lines. lots to like. needs a few eits to get where it's needed to be but you have good roots.

(05-01-2019, 03:54 AM)Deanna Wrote:  I stopped a while to catch my breath
The air was cold, the hour late
I could not see the woods for trees,
The snow piled up so splendidly.

O pretty view, O lovely show, 
of falling, melting, frozen rain
and then again, I asked, is this 
The way to go?

I saw no road, I saw the dark
I saw the roots swell from the ground,
A twisted bone, the snapping sound a suggestion would be [a snap, the sound]
Of cruel and sudden injury.

The ants and owl, the deer, the moss
the white and crystal fingerprints
of nature are skilfully made meter is off, a suggestion would be [of nature that is skilful made]
To get us lost in labyrinths. a suggestion would be [within] instead of [in] to make it flow better
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#5
Hi, good visuals. 
but it lacks depth, your observations, that is.
show me what's there, but also what isn't and what could be, and what was.
overall reads well.
(05-01-2019, 03:54 AM)Deanna Wrote:  I stopped a while to catch my breath
The air was cold, the hour late
I could not see the woods for trees,
The snow piled up so splendidly. no quarrels with the intro, but I think everything should follow suite from here

O pretty view, O lovely show, 
of falling, melting, frozen rain this is ok, but doesn't do the beauty justice
and then again, I asked, is this  just ask the question instead
The way to go?

I saw no road, I saw the dark  switch the clause around. it's more interesting to indicate darkness first, then the lack of road
I saw the roots swell from the ground, 
A twisted bone, the snapping sound 
Of cruel and sudden injury. not sure if an injury adds anything to the central idea here

The ants and owl, the deer, the moss 
the white and crystal fingerprints nice.
of nature are skillfully made crafted
To get us lost
in labyrinths. ^ this line break helps to end more strongly
certified pewb .
The eternal Yarp .
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