Two Tenses
#1
Two Tenses
It happened once and only once.
The soul saw its own.

    A single glance is all it needs, even a drunken wink is enough.

The mortal stuff offered its best intentions in clumsy heaps of doubt.
But time sharpened the view and reservation faded with each day.

    The eternal spirit sees its need and presses, gently at first.
    Once awakened the two conspire to unite.  
    The soul can rest, the mortal can play.




Two Tenses
It happened once and only once.
The soul saw its own.

    A single glance is all it needs, even a drunken wink is enough.

The mortal stuff offered its best intentions in clumsy heaps of doubt.
But time sharpened the view and reservation faded with each day.

    The eternal spirit sees its need and presses, gently at first.
    Once awakened the two conspire to unite.  
    The soul can rest, the mortal can play.
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#2
Hey celticdog,
I've read this through a number of times, and my biggest issue with this is that some of your imagery is too vague to create an impact on me as a reader. I'll go into more detail below:

(04-30-2019, 07:32 AM)celticdog Wrote:  Two Tenses
It happened once and only once.
The soul saw its own. -Talking about a soul is dangerous because it's hard to visualize. Why not describe what it saw when it saw its own? That could be an interesting image to expand upon.

    A single glance is all it needs, even a drunken wink is enough.

The mortal stuff offered its best intentions in clumsy heaps of doubt. -The expression "mortal stuff" is vague, and I'm not sure what you mean here. The physical body? The physical world? A human or all humans? I would suggest rewording this.
But time sharpened the view and reservation faded with each day.

    The eternal spirit sees its need and presses, gently at first. -Again, "eternal spirit" doesn't really help me as a reader. Are you talking about the soul or God?
    Once awakened the two conspire to unite.  
    The soul can rest, the mortal can play.




Two Tenses
It happened once and only once.
The soul saw its own.

    A single glance is all it needs, even a drunken wink is enough.

The mortal stuff offered its best intentions in clumsy heaps of doubt.
But time sharpened the view and reservation faded with each day.

    The eternal spirit sees its need and presses, gently at first.
    Once awakened the two conspire to unite.  
    The soul can rest, the mortal can play.
What is happening to the person in the poem to make them experience all of this? Maybe start with describing that event and go from there? I look forward to seeing where go next with this piece.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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#3
Thanks Richard. I appreciate the critique
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#4
Two Tenses
It happened once and only once. - This rhyme seems a little bit of forced and cliche, I'd suggest using something that flows more naturally.
The soul saw its own.
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#5
Hello, I see potential here.
The piece is abstract but written as though the words are too lame to grasp what the poem is attempting to get across. 
It reads well, but I can't take away anything from it. It leaves me unsatisfied.
There's room to explore a duality theme. man / soul - this would have been more interesting

(04-30-2019, 07:32 AM)celticdog Wrote:  Two Tenses
It happened once and only once. 
The soul saw its own. the point here should be to communicate this without wording it explicitly

    A single glance is all it needs, even a drunken wink is enough. kinda cheeky, kinda boring

The mortal stuff offered its best intentions in clumsy heaps of doubt. ok, what are the intentions? 
But time sharpened the view and reservation faded with each day. ok, time sharpened the view? to what? what is fading? be clear

    The eternal spirit sees its need and presses, gently at first. 
    Once awakened the two conspire to unite.  maybe they are repulsed by each other, that would have been more interesting
    The soul can rest, the mortal can play. could have finished more strongly

as a reader, I don't want to follow somebody's jumbled thoughts; I have too many of those already
get to the abstract, and come back with something that I can use
otherwise your words are just noises to me, needs grace and harmony
certified pewb .
The eternal Yarp .
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