A walk in the rain
#1
A walk in the rain (2nd edit)

The dirt road was thawed and soft under our shoes.
We could be stepping into a horror movie or worse
to the dark parts of my mind. 
Fog creeps up from the lake, it crawls through the trees
shrouding us from anything beyond the road.
Dismal grey clouds blanket the sky as though the sun
pulled the clouds over it's head and refused to shine.

Our conversation cuts through the eerie air.
I don't know why, but I don't mind answering questions
that usually require liquor before they slip from my lips.
My thoughts are flowing now, they're churning
like melted snow from overflowing streams.
Positivity popping up in my head. It's distracting
trying to stay present and pick those thoughts before
the fog takes them.

I try to stay in the moment with you.
Aware that it's not cold enough to shiver, nor is it
warm enough to wear a t-shirt,but I am comfortable.
The rain starts to fall in it's usual miserable manner.
Though it's not soaking my soul in sorrow,
Rather a cold joy, that slices through a bad perspective.
No one needs to help mastering their misery.
It's raining harder now.
I want to go and change my clothes,
though I know now was necessary to change my mind. 



The dirt road was thawed and soft under our shoes.
Are we walking into a horror movie or worse
to the dark part of my mind?
Fog creeps up from the water, it crawls through the trees
shrouding us from anything beyond the road.
Dismal grey clouds blanket the sky as though the sun
pulled them over it's head and refused to shine.

Our conversation cuts through the eerie air around us.
I don't know why, but I don't mind answering questions
that usually require liquor before they slip from my lips.
My thoughts are racing now. They're churning
like the melted snow barreling down overflowing streams.
I want to pull out my phone and write them all down
before these happy thoughts get washed away.
That would be rude, so I don't.

In this moment, I stay present by your side.
Aware that it is not cold enough to shiver,
nor is it warm enough to be wearing a t-shirt, but I am comfortable.
The rain starts to fall in it's usual miserable manner.
This time not soaking my spirit in sorrow,
Rather in a cold joy, that cuts through a bad perspective.
Though I want to go change my clothes
ItIs raining harder now.
I know this was necessary to change my mind.
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#2
(04-25-2019, 07:58 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote:  A walk in the rain 

The dirt road was thawed and soft under our shoes.
Are we walking into a horror movie or worse
to the dark part of my mind?
Fog creeps up from the water, it crawls through the trees
shrouding us from anything beyond the road.
Dismal grey clouds blanket the sky as though the sun
pulled them over it's head and refused to shine.

Our conversation cuts through the eerie air around us.
I don't know why, but I don't mind answering questions
that usually require liquor before they slip from my lips.
My thoughts are racing now. They're churning
like the melted snow barreling down overflowing streams.
I want to pull out my phone and write them all down
before these happy thoughts get washed away.
That would be rude, so I don't.

In this moment, I stay present by your side.
Aware that it is not cold enough to shiver,
nor is it warm enough to be wearing a t-shirt, but I am comfortable.
The rain starts to fall in it's usual miserable manner.
This time not soaking my spirit in sorrow,
Rather in a cold joy, that cuts through a bad perspective.
Though I want to go change my clothes
ItIs raining harder now.              // ItIs -> It's / It is     (just a nit)
I know this was necessary to change my mind.

So you've got a lot more imagery here, which is good. I do think there's a weird mix between internal monologue and a personal narrative. Still could use a little trimming/condensing. I know that once you've written something you don't like to see people cut away words, so I won't highlight it for you here - at least not now. 

S1 has some sentence structure issues. Generally, questions are rhetorical, not poetic, especially in the very beginning of a piece. Whatever the answer is supposed to be, write that. The "Fog creeps up ... beyond the road" sentence gives me a strange vibe (or perhaps I'm just resistant to the idea of those lines, I can explain specifically if requested).

S2 starts great, with only a few minor tweaks needed IMO, but the last three lines seem a bit weak. Specifically, I feel like they try to convey emotions that don't have a place anywhere else in the poem.

S3 has more sentence structure issues, and fails to build up to the final line as much as I think it should.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#3
Thanks Useless blueprint,

Solid advice. I took some of you alive and worked on my second edit. Will upload soon.

I am interested in hearing your thoughts on the line, "fog creeps up fr the lake...)
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#4
So it's mainly because you set the scene by comparing it to a horror movie... and then later say that the fog which creeps up is "shrouding us". "Shrouding us" makes me feel like the speaker if being hidden, but the horror movie scene suggests that something else is being hidden from the speaker. The conflict between these ideas bothers me, but it might just be me.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
Reply
#5
I really enjoyed your poem. I particularly liked the creepy feeling of the first stanza, and was a little dissapointed that it didn't develop into something further along those lines. I don't know if it's possible to circle back to that imagery at the end somehow - referencing how it didn't turn out to be a horror movie afterall?

- bob
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