This is Not Working Out
#1
Lying in front of me
a sheaf of exam sheets
riddled in angry red circles describing
mistakes outnumbering my patience.



This is not working out.

The lessons, they feel like words.
Words swimming in and out of my brain
never stopping once to mingle with others
to form sentences, meaningful.


Gap year
and another gap year.


Scores fire like bullets
and graze the cutoff
in brazen rebellion.


Posters line my walls in a spectrum of shades
but my room is ash-toned,the color of failure
the color of my parents’ faces
of the sepulchral cloud that hangs over us
everyday.


The voices, they get louder
needling my brain at first, like pesky insects
but they soon swell with derision
into an orchestra
deafening.


Drowning out the timid promises of hope,
they chant
this is not working out.


Asking me to grab a chair and a rope.
or a bottle of bleach from the pantry.
or even my dad's revolver.


Options.
Finally, options within reach.


Maybe
this would work out.
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#2
.
Hi Windsor,
lots to like here, the narrative, some excellent lines
('mistakes outnumbering my patience') and images
('the colour of failure'), but overall it's rather loose
and overwritten. Something tighter, more relentless
would better serve the story, I think. As might a
different title.

Just a suggestion:

This is Not Working Out


Lying
in front of me a sheaf
of exam sheets, riddled
in angry red circles, mistakes
('circles' seems a bit weak, in the context)
outnumbering my patience.

This is not working out.

My room
ash-tones, the color of failure,
of my parents faces, of the everyday
sepulchral clouds above us
(don't telegraph the ending with 'hang' Smile )

This is not working out.

Voices,
like insects, louder needling,
swell with derision, an orchestra
deafening. Drowning out

this is not working.

a chair
a rope. a bottle
of bleach from the pantry.
my dad's revolver. Options. Finally,

Maybe this would work out.


Best, Knot.




.
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#3
Hey Windsor89,

I like how you use some colors in the beginning and middle of the poem to help convey the images, (the angry red circles, Ash-toned,color). It makes me want to see some color at the end. Esp, where the options are giving.

One other thing. With how intense you portray the voices to be. It makes me think that they would demand you die. They wouldn't be asking you to go grab a chair and rope or bottle of beach, but they are asking which one you are going to grab.

Hope that helps!
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