The Color of Hyacinth
#1
The Color of Hyacinth

Overtake the shore-lit glow of eternity; transubstantiative* and incorporeal:
Cornucopia of Swan Song, Unsung except in memory

Particularly by cyphering the impermeable membrane through holographic codes
The Kingdom of Elohihohi; immovable............ ............ //or/and at best......... diurnal
Keys of misting eyes, and or the Tree^ of Syc.-a-mor'e /=)^
Paean of dust: tragedy of light, fecundity of life, implosive force of the beginning

If I can see you, then I am saved
Strings of hummingbird, sustaining stretched cordolette 
Vociferous gestures of Cezanne, 
stumbling with Proust in hand
or perhaps vicious Baudelaire

Without detection of your heavenly gift-crimson poet-
I would suffer in svelt intoxication,
Forever enclosed in Hyacinth
I would merely suffer the pain of abstraction, 
I must be damned to the Inferno
Beatrice: Where is Your Path leading Me
Into the Garden or Beyond?


*This word has never been recorded, although it probably should be, considering the collective need for absolution from the crisis of opinion
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#2
Overtake the shore-lit glow of eternity;
Using vague abstracts like 'eternity' is a sure way to turn readers away.

transubstantiative* and incorporeal:
I assumed there was a word transubstantive, but there isn't.' transubstantiate' seems fit for purpose.

Cornucopia of Swan Song,
No idea what you mean her,.

Unsung except in memory
You seem to be presenting us with facts but in reality why is this swan song unsung, why is it only in memory. I for one am not at all convinced.

Particularly by cyphering the impermeable membrane through holographic codes
Sorry but this seems to me to be intellectual waffle.

The Kingdom of Elohihohi;
Does the elohim have kingdom? Not sure that is established.

.
immovable.
Why?

........... ............ //or/and at best.........
this looks messy,
why not
or, and at best

I'll leave it there. I found it interesting but I feel you are trying way too hard to be extraordinary but succeeding only in being obscure and declarative. I would avoid abstractions unless you give them a context and meaning, likewise cabbalistic references. You have to communicate to an audience, not just write for oneself.

all the best

Ross
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#3
churinga Wrote:Overtake the shore-lit glow of eternity;
Using vague abstracts like 'eternity' is a sure way to turn readers away.

transubstantiative* and incorporeal:
I assumed there was a word transubstantive, but there isn't.' transubstantiate' seems fit for purpose.

Cornucopia of Swan Song,
No idea what you mean her,.

Unsung except in memory
You seem to be presenting us with facts but in reality why is this swan song unsung, why is it only in memory.  I for one am not at all convinced.

Particularly by cyphering the impermeable membrane through holographic codes
Sorry but this seems to me to be intellectual waffle.

The Kingdom of Elohihohi;
Does the elohim have kingdom?  Not sure that is established.


immovable.
Why?

........... ............ //or/and at best.........
this looks messy,
why not
or, and at best

I'll leave it there.  I found it interesting but I feel you are trying way too hard to be extraordinary but succeeding only in being obscure and declarative.  I would avoid abstractions unless you give them a context and meaning, likewise cabbalistic references.  You have to communicate to an audience, not just write for oneself.

all the best

Ross

no intentional "cabbalistic" reference {if what you are referring to is the jewish kaballah}............... although am deeply flattered by the remark, critical, post (or even pre) ad hoc

cornucopia of swan song may seem extrusive or a bit out of sync ----- certainly the effortless beauty, glistening tragedy, endless flight of the long-knecked and fateful bird-creature should not be reduced to such 2-bit marketing and gimmickry (dare read mimickry) of a cornucopia market or soda fountain.................................. however, the context of the poem seemed to justify the juxtaposed surreality
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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