Painless Wind
#1
I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die slowly - drowning.
When does dying
become death?
On the last breath
when light fades,
or as the neurons
explode like fireworks
flashing each memory?

I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die quickly - like Jesse.
His brain
blown away by buckshot.
Did it carry off his spirit
on a painless wind, or did he linger
until the hope of revival passed away
as the final twitch froze in place?
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
Reply
#2
hi U.B. i looked at the title before opening the poem and thought, ay, ay, it's a fart poem. i'm slightly disappointed. i'd go for the least is best approach and advise snipping a few words away. i'd suggest swapping the two opening lines round, the first one as is feels weak. i'd also suggest a couple more images or similes. i'd also suggest separating each idea of what death could be with a linespace.

(04-05-2019, 04:11 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote:  I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die slowly - drowning.
When does dying
become death?
On the last breath
when light fades,
or as the neurons
explode like fireworks
flashing each memory?

I’ve wondered what it’s like
to die quickly - like Jesse.
His brain
blown away by buckshot.
Did it carry off his spirit
on a painless wind, or did he linger
until the hope of revival passed away
as the final twitch froze in place?
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!