In The Woods
#1
In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.

Legs no longer bound, led me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep.
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#2
This is quite pleasant, but a few suggestions in Intensive:

(03-14-2019, 05:15 PM)billy Wrote:  In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.  nice alliteration - strong point of this work throughout
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.  Initial "[t]he" on L1 wasn't bad, could a more descriptive word replace it here?

Sunlight, miserly though it was, "though it was" is somewhat cliche - you're not really complaining about its paucity, are you?
spattered the small clearing ahead another good place to reconsider "the"
in a rain of golden droplets. may be a personal thing, but I don't see rain as gold-colored unless it's against ripe wheat or fall leaves
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb nice start to the line, but "aplomb" strikes me as a bit leaden.  Perhaps substitute "attendance," for "with aplomb?" In any case, this line needs a comma at the end.
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass. this line needs a little rearrangement, I think; maybe just removing the second "the" would do it

Legs no longer bound, led me to a granite chair, need comma after "Legs" or go active ("bound, I found a granite..."); also, suggest semicolon or em-dash at line end
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up. removing "me" might flow better
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me "Butterflies" (plural); I tend to read "and" between "brow" and "then" also.
flitting through the overhangs of elm. perhaps replace "the" with an adjective here, too.
This was the prefect place to sleep.  good use of "the" here - singularly perfect; "a" wouldn't be sufficient.

Sorry, didn't mean to spill that much digital ink over it.  I'm probably too hawk-eyed against "the" in critique, though you use it well in your first and last lines.  If your thoughts tended that way, you could replace "sleep" with "rest in peace" on the final line Wink  .

Sounds like you had a nice day:  thanks for sharing it!
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
thanks for the feedback, certainly food for thought when doing an edit..
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#4
(03-14-2019, 05:15 PM)billy Wrote:  In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.  ....I think it'll read better without the personification. Just 'for space' should do.

Sunlight, miserly though it was, 
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets. ... this part of the poem reads like prose (sunlight.....droplets). Particularly 'spattered the small clearing ahead'. It really is just one sentence.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass. ...nice

Legs no longer bound, led me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me ....check spelling
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep. ... the ending is rather sudden, and ending it on an ellipsis would make it somewhat similar to the unfinished in medias res ending of Hyperion. So end it on an ellipsis...
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#5
Thanks for the feedback busker, will edit the piece in a few days.
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#6
.
Hi billy,
the tone seems a little inconsistent (L8-10,
L13-14 compared to the rest), but S1 is
excellent.


S1
Maybe 'thorn' for 'thorns' ? Do you need
'in the canopy'? The meaning's there with
'saplings' and 'space'.
(Could you change 'strong' to 'rich', in contrast
to 'miserly' ?)

S2.
If you could stand it I'd say start with this
as 'Sunlight...' makes an excellent beginning.
- Having problems getting beyond the 'golden
shower' aspect though.

S3.
Comma after 'Legs' (though do legs lead?
Unless they are someone elses?)
Agree with busker, elipsis after 'place'


Best, Knot


.
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#7
thanks knot, some food for thought in what you say. will consider some of it when i edit.
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