Sparks (version 2)
#1
I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!

Sparks(1st Edit)

Dry, her seasoned brown eyes
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the first lick of fire.

Ignite. My burning gaze
was nothing more than a flicker
of strong sipped liquor.

Burn. Her smoking desire
raised alarms as she leaned into me.
Past fires that burned me to the third degree.

Extinguish. I whispered windy words
that spanned the space between her and I
snuffing any sparks to make the romance die. 



Sparks(original)


Dry. My seasoned brown eyes
stared at her, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the flame, the fire.

Ignited. Her smokey eyes
sparked for me. They were the flicker
of something more than sipped liquor.

Close. Her arms held me tight
while my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.

Distance. She leaned in and I out
All she needed was a whisper.
Damn, I should have kissed her.

Haste. My windy words
spanned the space between her and I.
It snuffed the sparks that made the romance die.

Maybe. Our empty eyes
would have burned bright.
Something I'm left wondering tonight.
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#2
hi peter first off, the poems are better without code as it allows for easier feedback Smile. hopefully a couple of members will give you some helpful feedback here.

the poem, is comprised of tercets which can allow for change of direction and allow poems like the villanelle. the rhyme scheme needs working on. by all means use [eyes] as the end word of each first line or just use it once as it breaks the rhythm when used for 3 verse in a 6 verse poem.

beware of cliche: Her arms held me tight

watch out for forced rhyme. rhyme where we know or can easily guess what the next rhyme will be. try and stay away easily rhymed words and look for unusual rhyme.

(03-12-2019, 11:31 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote:  I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!

Sparks

Dry. My seasoned brown eyes
stared at her, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the flame, the fire. here you use flame and fire try and beef it up, and try the beefing up other lines [a suggestion for this one would be] word of choice here...of fire. as in howl of fire, blast of fire,

Ignited. Her smokey eyes
sparked for me. They were the flicker
of something more than sipped liquor.

Close. Her arms held me tight
While my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.

Distance. She leaned in and I out.
All she needed was a whisper
Damn,I should have kissed her.

Haste. My windy words
spanned the space between her and I.
It snuffed the sparks that made the romance die.

Maybe. Our empty eyes
would have burned bright.
Something I'm left wondering tonight.
Reply
#3
(03-12-2019, 11:31 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote:  I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!

Sparks

Dry. My seasoned brown eyes
stared at her, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the flame, the fire. ....I doubt if a pyre would yearn for a flame? It is not deficient in that department 

Ignited. Her smokey eyes
sparked for me. They were the flicker ...smoky, sparking, and flickering are related to fire and light, but constitute very different imagery and in this instance I don’t see them going with one another 
Also, this is the only place where you have used enjambment. Maybe try it in the other strophes too for consistency
of something more than sipped liquor.

Close. Her arms held me tight
While my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.

Distance. She leaned in and I out.
All she needed was a whisper
Damn,I should have kissed her.

Haste. My windy words
spanned the space between her and I.
It snuffed the sparks that made the romance die.

Maybe. Our empty eyes
would have burned bright.
Something I'm left wondering tonight.
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#4
You could take out the last line of every stanza. Maybe replace them with a refrain or some variation on one. Then work from there, molding the other lines to fit. Look for something unique in whatever it is that inspired this, and twist it into some theme you can carry.
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#5
hi peter.

the poem needs to pull the reader in. it's great that you did an edit. for me in doing so the poem lost a lot of the good stuff it had.

Close. Her arms held me tight....try a [held me like a ...] add imagery via metaphor or simile; held me like a snake...or chain....or something else just suggestions. you can step outside the box a little....held me like a silent movie
while my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.


apart from the cliche in the first line it's a pretty good, the last line has just enough ambiguity.

Distance. She leaned in and I out
All she needed was a whisper.
Damn, I should have kissed her.


another solid vignette.

this is a fair example of how you want to write your edit. as is you lost a lot of feeling changing these too much.

Dry, her seasoned brown eyes
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the first lick of fire.


the first line feels like her eyes have been coated in herbs and spice, give it some depth. be outrageous if you wish.

after the first word in each verse us a colon or semi-colon as to indicate a change of direction.


(03-12-2019, 11:31 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote:  I have been writing poetry for a few years, but have never been able to find someone to help edit my work. Usually only getting responses like, "It's good, I like it". So I'm new to having my stuff critiqued, but hopeful that it will help me progress and grow!

Sparks(1st Edit)

Dry, her seasoned brown eyes
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the first lick of fire.

Ignite. My burning gaze
was nothing more than a flicker
of strong sipped liquor.

Burn. Her smoking desire
raised alarms as she leaned into me.
Past fires that burned me to the third degree.

Extinguish. I whispered windy words
that spanned the space between her and I
snuffing any sparks to make the romance die. 



Sparks(original)


Dry. My seasoned brown eyes
stared at her, like a freshly built pyre
yearning for the flame, the fire.

Ignited. Her smokey eyes
sparked for me. They were the flicker
of something more than sipped liquor.

Close. Her arms held me tight
while my mind sung.
How I wish I held my tongue.

Distance. She leaned in and I out
All she needed was a whisper.
Damn, I should have kissed her.

Haste. My windy words
spanned the space between her and I.
It snuffed the sparks that made the romance die.

Maybe. Our empty eyes
would have burned bright.
Something I'm left wondering tonight.
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#6
Ah ok. thanks Billy. I will keep working on it!
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#7
A few thoughts and observations for you below:

I like the structural choices you've made. I think an area that you should consider editing surrounds word choice. I don't think your choices are doing enough for you.

(03-12-2019, 11:31 AM)P3t3rW1ll14m Wrote:  Sparks(1st Edit)

Dry, her seasoned brown eyes--I would consider having a period after dry making it a hard stop to mirror your other stanza openings. I'm not a fan of seasoned brown. It's a short poem, every word matters. I think these words do very little for you. Seasoned = she's experienced  brown = brown. This is a little telling and there's very little in the way of imagery here. Find an image that conveys seasoned and brown and also gives an emotional context. More imagery here.
stared at me, like a freshly built pyre--pyre is both good and bad here in my opinion. The good: it accommodates your rhyme. It also plays off of dry. It gives dry some context and promise.
yearning for the first lick of fire.--first lick is good sensual phrasing in the context.


Ignite. My burning gaze
was nothing more than a flicker
of strong sipped liquor.

Burn. Her smoking desire
raised alarms as she leaned into me.
Past fires that burned me to the third degree.--I like where you end with third degree but the past fires is a bit awkwardly phrased. I'd consider giving that a look.

Extinguish. I whispered windy words
that spanned the space between her and I
snuffing any sparks to make the romance die. --This is a bit too pat of a close. Look to come up with more interesting imagery to get to this point.
Just some thoughts to think about. I like elements of this and think that it can be developed nicely.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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