over easy (v2)
#1
over easy
 
I once wrote a poem
about fucking
 
I remember only pieces,
but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is)
           
the last lines read:
I want
Scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Now, now.
 
All this to say–
the morning after
when you asked
how do you want your eggs?
 
I thought of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
and you slept;
 
of your talk of Nietzsche
and relative truth – because truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?
 
of your whistling laugh –
of whether I could come to loathe it;
 
of a wish
instead of a reply


Previous Version:

I once wrote a poem about fucking
 
I remember only pieces, but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is, not the fucking)
           
the last lines said
 
I want
scrambled eggs for breakfast
now, now
 

all this to say–
the morning after
when you asked
 
how do you want your eggs?
 
I was thinking
of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
and you slept,
 
and of your talk of Nietzsche and his goddamned 
relative truth – because, truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?
 
and of the whistling squeal in your laugh
and whether (so I might relish rather than regret its inevitable absence)
I could come to loathe it.
 
over easy
 
I offered
more as a wish
than as a reply
Reply
#2
hi becca. after a couple of reads. i'd like to see a bit more delineation. i see the italics but i'm not sure how to read them. there are some good images within the poem so i don't think it would take much to make it clearer for me the reader. it could be me not functioning properly but i want to work for me because i did enjoy it in the main.

(03-11-2019, 12:42 PM)beccaannk Wrote:  I once wrote a poem about fucking
 
I remember only pieces, but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is, not the fucking)
           
the last lines said
 
I want
scrambled eggs for breakfast
now, now
 

all this to say–
the morning after
when you asked
 
how do you want your eggs?
 
I was thinking
of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
and you slept, a nice snippet and a good image
 
and of your talk of Nietzsche and his goddamned  is and needed?
relative truth – because, truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway? i like this stanza. i like the line breaks and it captures that wtf moment. i also like how it's disjointed from the previous stanza yet follows on really well.
 
and of the whistling squeal in your laugh again, is this and needed?
and whether (so I might relish rather than regret its inevitable absence)
I could come to loathe it.
 
over easy
 
I offered
more as a wish
than as a reply
Reply
#3
.
Hi becca,
broadly in agreement with billy,
enjoyed the read but it seems to
lack a sharpness of focus to match
the tone. (The inconsistent punctuation
doesn't help either.)

over easy

- maybe cut this and take
the first five words as the title?
(In two minds on this, so take
with a pinch of salt. Would be
more certain if the poem ended
on 'over easy', then I'd stick
with your original title.)


I once wrote a poem


about fucking

I remember only pieces,

but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is, not the fucking)

the last lines said
[:]
- maybe 'its last lines were' ?
(Don't think this should be separate
from the following verse).
I want
scrambled eggs for breakfast
now, now
- why is this italicised? And should
there be an exclamation point after
the second now?

all this to say –

- 'say' after 'said' is a bit weak, could
'said' be 'read' ? Or, more simply replace
the line with 'so' ?
the morning after
when you asked

how do you want your eggs?


I was thinking

- was N thinking before the question
or because of it? Might work better with
'I thought of the chasm ...
of savouring ...
of you sleeping ...
... of your talk of ...
... of the whistling squeal ...
of whether I might relish ...
[or if I would] come to loathe it'
of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
- like this, but the 'and' of 'and you slept' makes me
wonder how 'you asked'
and you slept,

and of your talk of Nietzsche and his goddamned

- is 'goddamned' important? If not cut.
relative truth – because, truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?

and of the whistling squeal in your laugh

and whether (so I might relish rather than regret its inevitable absence)
I could come to loathe it.
- not convinced by this verse, is it necessary?
It doesn't flow naturally out of the previous verse.

over easy


I offered

more as a wish
than as a reply
(Thinking about this, and your title,
I'd suggest cutting this verse entirely,
I think the reader could figure it out
on their own.)


Best, Knot.


.
Reply
#4
(03-11-2019, 12:42 PM)beccaannk Wrote:  I once wrote a poem about fucking
 
I remember only pieces, but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is, not the fucking)
           
the last lines said
 
I want
scrambled eggs for breakfast
now, now
 

all this to say–
the morning after
when you asked
 
how do you want your eggs?
 
I was thinking
of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
and you slept,
 
and of your talk of Nietzsche and his goddamned 
relative truth – because, truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?
 
and of the whistling squeal in your laugh
and whether (so I might relish rather than regret its inevitable absence)
I could come to loathe it.
 
over easy
 
I offered
more as a wish
than as a reply

I think the title contains the last strophe and therefore the poem would read better and smarter if you ended it st “loathe it”
Good work
Reply
#5
Thanks for all of the feedback!
I'm encouraged that the parts I was happiest with are the ones that are reading well to others, and it's mostly the parts that I struggled with that still need work. So my instincts are working to some degree, even if I'm very rusty!

I've posted an updated version, I'd appreciate any further comments you may have.
Reply
#6
hi becca. solid edit, personally i'd keep;

over easy

I offered
more as a wish
than as a reply

and put "over easy" and anything in italics in quotes in order to make them pop. [just a suggestion.]

with just the few changes so far, the poem reads much better and i don't stumble over anything. i think it could still be tweaked but it really doesn't need much polishing. Smile

(03-11-2019, 12:42 PM)beccaannk Wrote:  over easy
 
I once wrote a poem
about fucking
 
I remember only pieces,
but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is) for me this adds a bit of warmth, even though it may seem unnecessary i think it adds enough to keep.
           
the last lines read:
I want
Scrambled eggs for breakfast.
Now, now.
 
All this to say–
the morning after
when you asked
how do you want your eggs?
 
I thought of the chasm between your back and my breath i prefer this change.
as I savored the scent of our sex
and you slept;
 
of your talk of Nietzsche
and relative truth – because truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?
 
of your whistling laugh – how come no cap?
of whether I could come to loathe it; this reads better for me.
 
of a wish
instead of a reply


Previous Version:

I once wrote a poem about fucking
 
I remember only pieces, but I’m fairly certain it was terrible
(the poem, that is, not the fucking)
           
the last lines said
 
I want
scrambled eggs for breakfast
now, now
 

all this to say–
the morning after
when you asked
 
how do you want your eggs?
 
I was thinking
of the chasm between your back and my breath
as I savored the scent of our sex
and you slept,
 
and of your talk of Nietzsche and his goddamned 
relative truth – because, truly
what the fuck am I
relative to you
anyway?
 
and of the whistling squeal in your laugh
and whether (so I might relish rather than regret its inevitable absence)
I could come to loathe it.
 
over easy
 
I offered
more as a wish
than as a reply
Reply




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