SHA (4) - needs a title
#1
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SHA (4) - needs a title



Having begun, he forgot the tale's end,
calling on us to think 'good thoughts',
as if this were Maldon.  But we are not virgins,
white before the bed, fey and turned by promises,
for we have bled, and more.  We know that
when our generals boast 'it is spears we will give
you' - such men, port soaked and satisfied,
backsides warmed at some distant fire, are stiff
to rise, and quick to toast "the King!" -
It is us they mean to throw against the guns.




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#2
first off Knot, in intensive the poem should be as finished as possible. unless the title is "needs a Title" it needs one from you or else my first comment is; the poem doesn't work without a title. what does SHA (4) mean? some good imagery and while the language seems archaic, works in setting it as a period piece. [to me at leat] so i'd keep that as is. i'd like it expanded it a little in order to show us the tale teller and set the place.

(03-09-2019, 12:30 AM)Knot Wrote:  .
SHA (4) - needs a title



Having begun, he forgot the tale's end, who is "he"?
calling on us to think 'good thoughts', would quotes be best on the own line with a line space above and below?
as if this were Maldon.  But we are not virgins, is but needed?
white before the bed, fey and turned by promises, i think this and the above are great lines.
for we have bled, and more.  We know that and this continues the goodness, bled and virgins in this use is excellent
when our generals boast 'it is spears we will give
you' - such men, port soaked and satisfied,
backsides warmed at some distant fire, are stiff
to rise, and quick to toast "the King!" -
It is us they mean to throw against the guns.the last quartet is again full and rich of image.




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#3
Hi billy,
thanks for the read.
'needs a title' was an invitation for suggestions, in the spirit of workshopping. Any ideas?
Toying with 'Condemned to Repeat It', but that may be a bit too weighty for the piece.
SHA (4) - fourth piece in Second Hand Accounts (possibly, not sure if it fits yet) - though
this would 'set the place'.


Having begun, he forgot the tale's end,
who is "he"?
- The officer encouraging his men just before sending the 'over the top'. He's quoting from
The Battle of Maldon without realising how inappropriate that it.
calling on us to think 'good thoughts',
would quotes be best on the own line with a line space above and below?
- Don't know, why?
as if this were Maldon. But we are not virgins,
is but needed?
- I think so, I thought it indicated an attitude towards 'he'.
white before the bed, fey and turned by promises,
i think this and the above are great lines.
- thanks.
for we have bled, and more. We know that
and this continues the goodness, bled and virgins in this use is excellent
Smile
when our generals boast 'it is spears we will give
you' - such men, port soaked and satisfied,
backsides warmed at some distant fire, are stiff
to rise, and quick to toast "the King!" -
It is us they mean to throw against the guns.
the last quartet is again full and rich of image.
- thanks again'


Best, Knot
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#4
Hey Knot!

Solid work, I read it a few times to get a better understanding of it. I think "Condemned to repeat" would be a bit too heavy and SHA (4) didn't feel like it fit either. Maybe something along the line of, "Recycle, Remembrance" or even if you could put together something that ties in with the idea of virgins, cause you use some good metaphors with them.

Overall this poem feels like it is an excerpt pulled from the middle of a bigger poem. It certainly leaves me wanting more.

Hope that helps some!
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#5
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Hi PW,
'wanting more'? Can't ask for a better response than that.
(SHA (4) was just a place-holder/signpost that this is No.4
and is intended to be read alongside 'Second Hand Accounts'.


Thanks for the read.


Best, Knot.

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#6
(03-09-2019, 12:30 AM)Knot Wrote:  Having begun, he forgot the tale's end,                     || strange to begin with a participle, but forgivable
calling on us to think 'good thoughts',                       || 'italics and single quotes? '
as if this were Maldon.  But we are not virgins,          || wordy
white before the bed, fey and turned by promises,
for we have bled, and more.  We know that               || good enjambment
when our generals boast 'it is spears we will give        || and I disagree with this enjambment
you' - such men, port soaked and satisfied,
backsides warmed at some distant fire, are stiff
to rise, and quick to toast "the King!" -                      || nothing too special on these lines, but they do the job
It is us they mean to throw against the guns.             || if you desperately need a title, I say the last three words here,
                                                                             || but that's because the theme you've suggested doesn't feel present in the piece here.

This feels like it was written rather quickly. Further, it feels as if the piece lacks density. Only your third line seems to contain any more information than the words alone provide. While I don't find anything 'bad' in a technical sense, I honestly don't enjoy the poem. I'd prefer more development on the visual scene, or more technical manipulation of the lines themselves, but all I've gotten is a bit of over-wording that confuses the speaker's voice, and some brief images with little below the surface.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#7
(03-14-2019, 03:16 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote:   and I disagree with this enjambment
- fair enough, easy fix.

Thanks for the read.

Best, Knot.
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