Overthinking
#1
I'm a beginner in poetry. I'm nervous, but I am brave:-) Here's a poem...


OVERTHINKING

Sunken eyes and dark circles
Juiced of primal flavor
Dead in daylight
Wide-eyed at twilight
That’s what you are
When you’re negatively mental

Forcing a house in your head
Make for a conflicted, tattered self
At home with morbid overrealism
That snatches choco-coated mallows
And square balloons
And turns a supple, pink body
Into a stony living corpse
Dragging its feet on the sunflower highway
Of an exciting fairy tale neighborhood
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#2
These seem to me firstwave images, like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Line breaks and images with no textual, no real symbolism or metaphor. But its subject allows for that. And its title. There need not be metaphors or linked symbols. So that's not the problem. There's either an active imagination mistaken for overthinking or. No, just leave it there. As it is, the poem doesn't have a lot to remember. But maybe you could think about the divide between neurotic thinking and the imagination, then maybe highlight one against the other. The other thing I was going to say was it could be that you just thought of any images that would stick out and be a poem. They just seem stuck in there. But that could work to your advantage.
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#3
for a beginner it's a better than good poem. it's original which is rare we it comes to beginners. that said the first line verges on cliche but after that there's no problem cliche-wise. at present the poem is almost list-like and because of this it's hard for me [the reader] to get a handle on it. the thing is it does read as some's overthinking the thing. i think the last line of the first stanza is the crux of the poem. for me that line would be a better title as it sets up the mood of what's to come. lastly, thanks for all the feedback you gave before posting a poem. Thumbsup

(03-04-2019, 09:18 PM)ginaparaoan Wrote:  I'm a beginner in poetry. I'm nervous, but I am brave:-) Here's a poem...


OVERTHINKING

Sunken eyes and dark circles
Juiced of primal flavor
Dead in daylight
Wide-eyed at twilight
That’s what you are
When you’re negatively mental

Forcing a house in your head
Make for a conflicted, tattered self
At home with morbid overrealism
That snatches choco-coated mallows
And square balloons
And turns a supple, pink body
Into a stony living corpse
Dragging its feet on the sunflower highway
Of an exciting fairy tale neighborhood
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#4
Hey when I read your poem the first stanza paints a great external image of a worn down insomniac. I can picture them.
When you move onto the second stanza and dive into their head. It at first feels like you are going to (in just as much vivid description!) describe the internal turmoil, but then you start describing the external again. It leaves me wanting to know more about in the internal struggle and why they are overthinking. It almost feels like it could be 3 stanzas.

Hope that helps!
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#5
.
Hi gina,
enjoyed the read.
Some cut and paste suggestions.


negatively mental
- agree with billy that
this would make a better
title.


Dead in daylight

Sunken eyes
dark circles

Wide-eyed at twilight

- 'twilight' after 'daylight'
is a bit weak.
That’s what you are
Juiced of primal flavor
- how does 'flavor' relate
to the rest of the piece?

When you’re

Forcing a house
in your head

a conflicted,

tattered self
At home

with morbid overrealism

snatch[ing] mallows
(choco-coated)
And square balloons

turn[ing] a supple, pink
body Into a living corpse
- I'd be tempted to end on 'corpse'
as it effectively concludes 'dead
in daylight'.


Best, Knot.

.
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#6
thank you very much for the feedback....will try to improve on it...
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#7
I really liked the imagery you used to form a picture in your readers’ minds  Smile
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#8
As a person who also overthinks everything, I can really relate to the first stanza. Also thnk that negatively mental would be a better title. I argee with Knot that ending at ‘corpse’ makes the poem stronger.
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#9
I can really relate to this poem, and I'm positive I'm not the only one. I love how you were very confident to post this very raw poem. I also appreciate the attempt in your setting. It really resonated with me. I can see you felt this was inexpressible due to 'Overthinking' but I really love that you took the chance to let your guard down. Favorite line was " Forcing a house in your head " when I read that I imagine a person who tends to over analyze who is trying to picture more happier settings in their mind. I may have interpreted wrong, but I am happy to understand from your POV. Either way, loved it!
- MindlMatter
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#10
First, I like your attitude. It’s difficult for us to separate our feelings from our work sometimes, but it’s also necessary for us to learn. Your going to get a lot of suggestions don’t try to incorporate them all - pick and choose what sounds good to you.

Second, I like that you’re using description - not exposition - to get images and conclusions across to the reader. You’ve a head start but on other ‘beginners ‘.

So just a thought - sometimes one word can do the work of several - like daywalker. Early in the poem it will be misleading - people will think your poem is about the occult. But it would accurately convey the appearance of a tired person , and you could have revealing to the reader that your poem is not about a vampire who can walk in the sunlight, but is describing the physical effects of someone who suffers from overthinking.

Look forward to working with you.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
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#11
Thanks for taking time to read and for giving your feedback. I'm taking my time with poetry. I am not really qualified to give an intensive feedback. I bought myself a poetry book "The Best British Poetry 2011", and I found that really it's difficult to read a poem. Sometimes we struggle to find the meaning -- our own meaning, not the poet's. But that is the beauty of it -- that it can have different meaning for different people. Poetry is not something I do for a career, but I do it to make my free time meaningful. I hope to get better at it, and that is why I am thankful for your comments. 

(08-09-2019, 03:42 AM)Seraphim Wrote:  First, I like your attitude.  It’s difficult for us to separate our feelings from our work sometimes, but it’s also necessary for us to learn.  Your going to get a lot of suggestions don’t try to incorporate them all - pick and choose what sounds good to you. 

Second, I like that you’re using description  - not exposition - to get images and conclusions across to the reader.  You’ve a head start but on other ‘beginners ‘.

So just a thought - sometimes one word can do the work of several  - like daywalker. Early in the poem it will be misleading - people will think your poem is about the occult. But it would accurately convey the appearance of a tired person , and you could have revealing to the reader that your poem is not about a vampire who can walk in the sunlight, but is describing the physical effects of someone who suffers from overthinking.

Look forward to working with you.
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