Friday poem
#1
Shadow, you bad boy
You’re taking my golden away
He couldn’t stay
didn’t say why
But he’ll make me go green in the spring

So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
marry you
Woo you, sweet golden, with blue.

I stretched out to catch the last rays of today
Then you sailed away
Heading west without me
You have places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree
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#2
Shadow, you bad boy
You’re taking my golden away
He couldn’t stay
didn’t say why
But he’ll make me go green in the spring


You could think about those lines. Maybe taking them out. 

I read "go" as 'so', but that's me. 



So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
marry you
Woo you, sweet golden, with blue.

This one, too. 


I stretched out to catch the last rays of today
Then you sailed away
Heading west without me
You have places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree 


The last stanza is all right with me. But something about You had places to be feels stronger to me, despite contextual logic. 
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#3
hi deanna. what i do like about the poem is it's originality. you could have easily gone the cliche way but i get the feeling you thought about what you wrote in order not to. a couple of lines didn't resonate with the poem for me. while the 1st line anthropomorphised the shadow. i felt that was enough for the 1st two stanza. i also like how the poem felt uplifting despite the jealousy. welcome to the site.

(03-02-2019, 06:42 AM)Deanna Wrote:  Shadow, you bad boy
You’re taking my golden away
He couldn’t stay
didn’t say why
But he’ll make me go green in the spring

So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
marry you not sure this line does much for the poem
Woo you, sweet golden, with blue. i don't know why but i like this line, it works much better than the marry you line

I stretched out to catch the last rays of today a solid image.
Then you sailed away
Heading west without me
You have places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree
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#4
(03-02-2019, 06:42 AM)Deanna Wrote:  Shadow, you bad boy
You’re taking my golden away See below concerning punctuation and capitalization
He couldn’t stay
didn’t say why
But he’ll make me go green in the spring I feel like there should be another "-ing" rhyme down below to catch this.

So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
marry you
Woo you, sweet golden, with blue.  I read this, or hum it, as a lyric, and tend to phrase it with a comma after "Woo" and/or none after "golden."  Your tune may differ, however.

I stretched out to catch the last rays of today
Then you sailed away
Heading west without me
You have places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree  This feels like a second-to-last rather than last line (hence no period?) - seems to call for a final short line, something like "without you" or "in shadow."  (See below concerning "like")

Justified by the title but also the whole shape and theme, I read this as a torch song (not to alarm our leafy friends, of course).  Short, intense, slightly breathless phrases and stretched-out line-ending vowels.  It works really well, with only the small comments above.  I particularly like the use of rhyme.

In basic critique, I have to mention the somewhat random punctuation and capitalization.  This may seem pedantic, and in fact the way it's written now tends to enforce the langorous torch-song phrasing (take a breath when the line begins with a capital letter even if there was no period at the end of the previous line - which is stretched out when sung, at least as I hear it).  Same with missing period at the very end - a fade.  It just looks odd, though it's very intuitive; you might try it with more standard punctuation, using an em dash to indicate those held notes:

I stretched out to catch the last rays of today--
then you sailed away,
heading west without me.


for example, dash for sustain, comma for break (if that's how you want to phrase it).

The other thing, and I hope this is not too picky for basic, is the word "like" in the final line.  It's a simile, that is, an announced comparison:  these two things aren't actually the same, only like each other; the rest of the poem is all metaphors, I am the tree, you are my golden.  Now, a word there in the spot currently held by "like" is certainly required for rhythm, but could it be something else, that maintains the metaphor?

That's a lot for basic, but I like this very much.  If you meant it the way I'm reading it, a more descriptive title would also work... but I won't suggest one.   Thanks for posting!
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#5
.
Hi Deanna,
nice tone, nice idea - deserves a better title Smile
Wouldn't change much (punctuation already
been mentioned) - just a couple of thoughts.


Shadow, you bad boy
took my golden away
He didn’t say why
just couldn’t stay
But he’ll make me go green in the spring

- some ambiguity over the referents of 'he',
'shadow/bad boy' and/or 'golden'

So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
court you
marry you,
besotted, sweet golden and blue.

I reached out to catch the last rays of today
As you sailed away
west without me
places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree

- Don't think 'ray of today' , 'sailed' and 'places
to be' work, they all feel a little weak to me,
not how a tree might express such thoughts.
How about 'rootless and free' for 'places to be'
for instance? Also, second use of 'away'.


Best, Knot.

.
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#6
Deanna very pleasant read, many of my thoughts are as the others I will add this though. Since you personified  the shadow you should have done the same through out. Example: and you Sky - I’m so jealous of you...

Cheers Homer


(03-02-2019, 06:42 AM)Deanna Wrote:  Shadow, you bad boy
You’re taking my golden away
He couldn’t stay
didn’t say why
But he’ll make me go green in the spring

So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
marry you
Woo you, sweet golden, with blue.

I stretched out to catch the last rays of today
Then you sailed away
Heading west without me
You have places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree
Someday the Mystery will be known Wink
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#7
(03-02-2019, 09:44 AM)dukealien Wrote:  
(03-02-2019, 06:42 AM)Deanna Wrote:  Shadow, you bad boy
You’re taking my golden away See below concerning punctuation and capitalization
He couldn’t stay
didn’t say why
But he’ll make me go green in the spring I feel like there should be another "-ing" rhyme down below to catch this.

So jealous of sky
Who gets to carry you
marry you
Woo you, sweet golden, with blue.  I read this, or hum it, as a lyric, and tend to phrase it with a comma after "Woo" and/or none after "golden."  Your tune may differ, however.

I stretched out to catch the last rays of today
Then you sailed away
Heading west without me
You have places to be
And I’m left like the loneliest tree  This feels like a second-to-last rather than last line (hence no period?) - seems to call for a final short line, something like "without you" or "in shadow."  (See below concerning "like")

Justified by the title but also the whole shape and theme, I read this as a torch song (not to alarm our leafy friends, of course).  Short, intense, slightly breathless phrases and stretched-out line-ending vowels.  It works really well, with only the small comments above.  I particularly like the use of rhyme.

In basic critique, I have to mention the somewhat random punctuation and capitalization.  This may seem pedantic, and in fact the way it's written now tends to enforce the langorous torch-song phrasing (take a breath when the line begins with a capital letter even if there was no period at the end of the previous line - which is stretched out when sung, at least as I hear it).  Same with missing period at the very end - a fade.  It just looks odd, though it's very intuitive; you might try it with more standard punctuation, using an em dash to indicate those held notes:

I stretched out to catch the last rays of today--
then you sailed away,
heading west without me.


for example, dash for sustain, comma for break (if that's how you want to phrase it).

The other thing, and I hope this is not too picky for basic, is the word "like" in the final line.  It's a simile, that is, an announced comparison:  these two things aren't actually the same, only like each other; the rest of the poem is all metaphors, I am the tree, you are my golden.  Now, a word there in the spot currently held by "like" is certainly required for rhythm, but could it be something else, that maintains the metaphor?

That's a lot for basic, but I like this very much.  If you meant it the way I'm reading it, a more descriptive title would also work... but I won't suggest one.   Thanks for posting!

Thanks for reading. 
Can you provide a reference to a description of the genre (?) "torch song"? 
For me this poem lives in between the pathos of the impossible mythical love story of a tree and the sun (One has roots, the other lives in the sky, one is fire, the other is wood etc. (btw, thanks for being considerate of our leafy friends)- and the bathos of the trivial situation of difficult human love/infatuation (out of which it emerged on another lonely Friday night when HE walked out the door) The title belongs to the latter realm. The ending as well. I quite like that it is a simile. I think it accentuates singularity. And distance.
Punctuation. Hmm. Gotta get to work on that.
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#8
(05-01-2019, 03:06 AM)Deanna Wrote:  Thanks for reading. 
Can you provide a reference to a description of the genre (?) "torch song"? 
For me this poem lives in between the pathos of the impossible mythical love story of a tree and the sun (One has roots, the other lives in the sky, one is fire, the other is wood etc. (btw, thanks for being considerate of our leafy friends)- and the bathos of the trivial situation of difficult human love/infatuation (out of which it emerged on another lonely Friday night when HE walked out the door) The title belongs to the latter realm. The ending as well. I quite like that it is a simile. I think it accentuates singularity. And distance.
Punctuation. Hmm. Gotta get to work on that.

See Wikipedia for "torch song."  Favorite example (see how the phrasing works), Cry Me a River.
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