moonkrystal for skip armstrong
#1
^The Adoption of the Pleiades

>crystal-dope, blow my cunny
_crystal-crack, up my giant gentile nose
-moonrock, as an obelisk of future steps of gentle hebrews, my self, other nose self
*moonkrystal, turned dope into homies tired of dank and low-down tones
+mooncrack, get high by smoking the clear night into black ginsberg truth
- mooncoke, for black body radiation, my body blue from the bruises of endless time

which is merely space turned sideways on itself, it's bone and lonely self boned, blow, nose, 

up the wind pipes and stoke the engines


get high and send away from this haunted, lonely planet







^^^Ple·ia·des

[ˈplēədēz]


DEFINITION
  1. greek mythology

    the seven daughters of the Titan Atlas and the Oceanid Pleione. They were pursued by the hunter Orion until Zeus changed them into a cluster of stars.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#2
Hey Thunderembargo,
I give you credit for experimentation here. I love seeing people trying different things in their poems. I got the impression that this was mainly about drugs, but I found myself a bit confused in spots, even after reading this piece numerous times. I'll go into more detail below:

(02-23-2019, 06:10 AM)Thunderembargo Wrote:  ^The Adoption of the Pleiades -I get that the Pleiades refer to stars, which connects with getting high. However, how does adoption connect to this idea? Maybe change to something like "Chasing the Pleiades"?

>crystal-dope, blow my cunny -The only meaning for "cunny" I could find was as a reference to female genitals, which does not help my confusion with this line.
_crystal-crack, up my giant gentile nose -I like the idea of structuring this like a bunch of definitions, but be careful with your use of repetition of certain words like "nose". That word is used three times. I think that's a but of overkill in a shorter piece like this, so I would suggest thinking of a different word.
-moonrock, as an obelisk of future steps of gentle hebrews, my self, other nose self
*moonkrystal, turned dope into homies tired of dank and low-down tones -When I googled "moonkrystal," it brought up a facebook page. I am thinking this is so some sort of drug related slang, but I have never heard of it.
+mooncrack, get high by smoking the clear night into black ginsberg truth -I love the expression "black ginsberg truth". Please keep this in your next edit. Given what I know about Ginsberg, I think he is worth referencing in a poem like this.
- mooncoke, for black body radiation, my body blue from the bruises of endless time -I quite like this line. I just wonder if you could be more specific than saying "time" and say something like "days" or "minutes"? Just a thought.

which is merely space turned sideways on itself, it's bone and lonely self boned, blow, nose, -Is this in a different size font intentionally?

up the wind pipes and stoke the engines -I feel like the engines metaphor comes out of no where without any buildup, so either add something earlier in the poem to lead up to it, or remove it.


get high and send away from this haunted, lonely planet -The expression "get high" seems redundant to me at this point in the poem. I already knew it was about drugs by the ending, so you don't need to mention getting high here.






Is this definition supposed to be part of the poem? Maybe make it a "spoiler" in the next edit?
^^^Ple·ia·des

[ˈplēədēz]


DEFINITION
  1. greek mythology

    the seven daughters of the Titan Atlas and the Oceanid Pleione. They were pursued by the hunter Orion until Zeus changed them into a cluster of stars.
I hope you take the time to work on an edit of this because I think you got something here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Reply
#3
Hi Thunderembargo,

I love a lot of the language and really strong, interesting images here. It is great to see something so fresh and different! The core of this poem is really exciting, and I like how you experiment with things like punctuation and font sizing, as well as juxtaposing slang/informal language with striking images. The two major comments I would make at this point are:

(1) To me, the ending of the poem feels a little bit like a let-down. The energy in the first chunk of lines really feels like it's building and building, and then the ending lines are a bit less fresh and make me feel like it's ending on a note of deflation. I would really like to see the energy carried forward more instead.

(2) I quite like your first set of lines, and I'm not opposed to the idea of having the punctuation demarcating the beginning of each line like that, but having it change up like that felt kind of distracting to me and I had a hard time understanding the significance/connection (this could definitely just be me personally not interpreting it well, though!) It also seemed incongruous to me that the images had so much energy, but the lines were all visually similar -- I wonder if you would be interested in playing with the form and structure of those lines instead of or in addition to the punctuation at the beginning?

For more specific line comments:

"-moonrock, as an obelisk of future steps of gentle hebrews, my self, other nose self" -- This is the one line in the first set that feels rhythmically off to me. I think I stumble on the repeated "of", so the flow just doesn't really work for me.

"+mooncrack, get high by smoking the clear night into black ginsberg truth
- mooncoke, for black body radiation, my body blue from the bruises of endless time" -- Really like these two especially!

"which is merely space turned sideways on itself, it's bone and lonely self boned, blow, nose, " -- This line is good, and where I really feel like the energy is about to come to a crescendo.

"up the wind pipes and stoke the engines


get high and send away from this haunted, lonely planet" -- These two are where I feel like the energy deflates, and the poem doesn't end up bringing us farther.

Best,
ing4
Reply
#4
(02-23-2019, 11:36 PM)Richard Wrote:  Hey Thunderembargo,
I give you credit for experimentation here. I love seeing people trying different things in their poems. I got the impression that this was mainly about drugs, but I found myself a bit confused in spots, even after reading this piece numerous times. I'll go into more detail below:

(02-23-2019, 06:10 AM)Thunderembargo Wrote:  ^The Adoption of the Pleiades -I get that the Pleiades refer to stars, which connects with getting high. However, how does adoption connect to this idea? Maybe change to something like "Chasing the Pleiades"?

>crystal-dope, blow my cunny -The only meaning for "cunny" I could find was as a reference to female genitals, which does not help my confusion with this line.
_crystal-crack, up my giant gentile nose -I like the idea of structuring this like a bunch of definitions, but be careful with your use of repetition of certain words like "nose". That word is used three times. I think that's a but of overkill in a shorter piece like this, so I would suggest thinking of a different word.
-moonrock, as an obelisk of future steps of gentle hebrews, my self, other nose self
*moonkrystal, turned dope into homies tired of dank and low-down tones -When I googled "moonkrystal," it brought up a facebook page. I am thinking this is so some sort of drug related slang, but I have never heard of it.
+mooncrack, get high by smoking the clear night into black ginsberg truth -I love the expression "black ginsberg truth". Please keep this in your next edit. Given what I know about Ginsberg, I think he is worth referencing in a poem like this.
- mooncoke, for black body radiation, my body blue from the bruises of endless time -I quite like this line. I just wonder if you could be more specific than saying "time" and say something like "days" or "minutes"? Just a thought.

which is merely space turned sideways on itself, it's bone and lonely self boned, blow, nose, -Is this in a different size font intentionally?

up the wind pipes and stoke the engines -I feel like the engines metaphor comes out of no where without any buildup, so either add something earlier in the poem to lead up to it, or remove it.


get high and send away from this haunted, lonely planet -The expression "get high" seems redundant to me at this point in the poem. I already knew it was about drugs by the ending, so you don't need to mention getting high here.






Is this definition supposed to be part of the poem? Maybe make it a "spoiler" in the next edit?
^^^Ple·ia·des

[ˈplēədēz]


DEFINITION
  1. greek mythology

    the seven daughters of the Titan Atlas and the Oceanid Pleione. They were pursued by the hunter Orion until Zeus changed them into a cluster of stars.
I hope you take the time to work on an edit of this because I think you got something here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

Am looking forward to the 2.0 version
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
Reply
#5
Richard Wrote:Hey Thunderembargo,
I give you credit for experimentation here. I love seeing people trying different things in their poems. I got the impression that this was mainly about drugs, but I found myself a bit confused in spots, even after reading this piece numerous times. I'll go into more detail below:

Thunderembargo Wrote:^The Adoption of the Pleiades -I get that the Pleiades refer to stars, which connects with getting high. However, how does adoption connect to this idea? Maybe change to something like "Chasing the Pleiades"?

>crystal-dope, blow my cunny -The only meaning for "cunny" I could find was as a reference to female genitals, which does not help my confusion with this line.
_crystal-crack, up my giant gentile nose -I like the idea of structuring this like a bunch of definitions, but be careful with your use of repetition of certain words like "nose". That word is used three times. I think that's a but of overkill in a shorter piece like this, so I would suggest thinking of a different word.
-moonrock, as an obelisk of future steps of gentle hebrews, my self, other nose self
*moonkrystal, turned dope into homies tired of dank and low-down tones -When I googled "moonkrystal," it brought up a facebook page. I am thinking this is so some sort of drug related slang, but I have never heard of it.
+mooncrack, get high by smoking the clear night into black ginsberg truth -I love the expression "black ginsberg truth". Please keep this in your next edit. Given what I know about Ginsberg, I think he is worth referencing in a poem like this.
- mooncoke, for black body radiation, my body blue from the bruises of endless time -I quite like this line. I just wonder if you could be more specific than saying "time" and say something like "days" or "minutes"? Just a thought.

which is merely space turned sideways on itself, it's bone and lonely self boned, blow, nose, -Is this in a different size font intentionally?

up the wind pipes and stoke the engines -I feel like the engines metaphor comes out of no where without any buildup, so either add something earlier in the poem to lead up to it, or remove it.


get high and send away from this haunted, lonely planet -The expression "get high" seems redundant to me at this point in the poem. I already knew it was about drugs by the ending, so you don't need to mention getting high here.






Is this definition supposed to be part of the poem? Maybe make it a "spoiler" in the next edit?
^^^Ple·ia·des

[ˈplēədēz]


DEFINITION
[ul]
[li]greek mythology

the seven daughters of the Titan Atlas and the Oceanid Pleione. They were pursued by the hunter Orion until Zeus changed them into a cluster of stars.[/li]
[/ul]
I hope you take the time to work on an edit of this because I think you got something here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard



I promise to edit--- and especially to keep the line regarding Ginsberg.   Remembering the oft able-bodied poet requires more than a yearly recitation of "HOWL", as I'm sure you're well aware.   I'm currently compilating a book of poetry in order to submit for publication----to be paid by a grafter publisher or to find my way onto more assured poetry web-sites and journals.   It's really a matter of finding what I can give up for steamy dollars per page (right now I'm looking at $100 per 10,000 words).   Is that a worth-while measure for my old journals (the one's which haven't been museum-burned, for instance.....................).   Or held by Southern Living types.......... pfft.............. so-called oracle buffs.   Or Biffs, rather.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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