Flow Ring
#1
Flow like open-window flames
licking on white fingertips, lit
opaque.  Whirling fire lurches onward
without fear, leading old woods
from long overdue winds.

Ring in new goals rising.
Idle nimbuses gather rain intermittently.
Next-generation roots inch nearer
greener ranges, indigenous noble gods
righteously ignited, naked, growing.
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#2
is it about slash and burn practices, or wild-fires?

i get the latter stanza and like it. the first stanza loses me a little. maybe it's due to the punctuation. [i'm not good with punctuation] it makes me falter trying to work it out better. for instance, should open window flames, have a hyphen after window? the transition form the 2nd line to third also threw me somewhat.
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#3
Thanks Billy, I was thinking more unintentional wild fires, I was worried the 2nd would be incomprehensible but you got it and liked it... Maybe I can change a few words in the first stanza but the image seemed action packed, I agree on punctuation. Thanks again
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#4
.
Hi CRNDLSM,
enjoyed the imagery and movement
in the piece (though will admit to
being lost on 'ring').

Just a cut and paste food for thought.


Flow like window flames licking
on white fingertips, lit. Fire lurches
onward whirling old woods

Ring in new goals rising. Idle
nimbuses gather rain, inch[ing]
next-generation roots

nearer greener ranges. Indigenous
noble gods, righteously ignited,
grow




Best, Knot.


.
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#5
Both inspirational and evocative.   The invocation of generational change and impulse through the turn of many well-linked phrases, each building, in successive genius strokes of a confident and pristine brush, a layered and dappled canvas, full of promise, hope and charge.   I'm not sure that I could add anything to it, it's really perfect as it is, but will attempt alternate phrasings in order to see the word-play reflect a different light.


(02-20-2019, 02:20 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Flow like open-window flames                Flame like open-window flow
licking on white fingertips, lit                  
opaque.  Whirling fire lurches onward       opaque.   Fire whirls lurch afore their opaque shadow
without fear, leading old woods              absent from fear, into the ancient forest
from long overdue winds.                     chased by winds, long overdue 

Ring in new goals rising.                                     Ring in gold, new silver goals rising.
Idle nimbuses gather rain intermittently.      [THIS IS BRILLIANT]
Next-generation roots inch nearer              Next generation roots inch nearer............. and deeper
greener ranges, indigenous noble gods      greener ranges, indigenous nobility of the native gods
righteously ignited, naked, growing.             
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#6
(02-20-2019, 02:20 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Flow like open-window flames
licking on white fingertips, lit
opaque.  Whirling fire lurches onward
without fear, leading old woods
from long overdue winds. .....I didn't quite understand 'leading.....from'. You could lead the woods into the wind, or lead the winds into the wood or through the wood.

Ring in new goals rising.
Idle nimbuses gather rain intermittently. ...'Clouds' instead of 'nimbuses' sounds less pompous. Both 'idle' and 'intermittently' don't seem to add to the line, but I can understand that 'clouds gather rain' is an odd line to have.  I'm also not sure whether 'gathering rain' makes sense. Clouds gather together, and clouds make rain. 'Clouds gather intermittently' or 'Clouds gather, rain intermittently' are alternatives.
Next-generation roots inch nearer
greener ranges, indigenous noble gods
righteously ignited, naked, growing.  ... I read it at first as 'glowing' and thought that it was a nice way to connect back to the first strophe. But 'growing' makes more sense in the context of the previous lines, and 'ignited' does hark back to S1 anyway. Nice ending.
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#7
It took me until the third read to realize what you've done here with the initial letters of each word, which I really enjoy.
It creates a bit of a conundrum for me though...  as others' comments have suggested, the choice of words feels forced in places, but their otherwise excellent suggestions don't fit the rule.


Flow like open-window flames
licking on white fingertips, lit
opaque.  Whirling fire lurches onward  
without fear, leading old woods                   ---I agree with busker about leading...from. Perhaps "long overdue winds should follow "without fear"  
from long overdue winds.                                  and this line could be changed to complete than thought.

Ring in new goals rising.                             ---this line doesn't make much sense to me
Idle nimbuses gather rain intermittently.       ---not loving the word intermittently here
Next-generation roots inch nearer                ---nearer, followed by greener, is jarring to my tongue. maybe just "near?"
greener ranges, indigenous noble gods
righteously ignited, naked, growing.             ---Perhaps just "grow"
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#8
I know! All excellent feedbacks, suggestions to genuinely improve the poem, but lose the form? Ahh!! Word choices! I liked knots suggestion because he kept the first letters just rearranged. But I think I'll keep the letters in order regardless. I think for me, I don't ever expect to write great poems and it's not necessarily a goal, but opening up readers or listeners to ideas they can take off with and modify their own creations might just satisfy me. Thank you all of you for the insight.
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