The Shepherd Boys Eye
#1
The Goliath hand of the Philistine
no match for the shepherd boys' eye
his sharp glint of wound stone

The opportune moment
the gust of wind
his army behind, his foe ahead
and facing his menacing hate, his giant curse

The boy strikes him dead.  To the ground.
And quieting the taunting of insane rage,
the odds overturned, and tables turned
his gain made with light, soft supple step

He pounces atop the stiff-headed lout
severing the demons obvious pride.
And raising aloft its once joined ridicule,
he shouts down his foes wounded by fear.

The shepherd boy caused, as he silenced their jeers
Now rounding about
he looks to his tribe
with uncertain haste, and without a bribe
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#2
i like that the poem captures the feeling of the moment for the reader. i'd like to see more of the character of David, his name, what he was feeling emotionally; his fear or his courage. nonetheless i enjoyed the read and the originality.


(11-07-2018, 12:46 PM)Thunderembargo Wrote:  The Goliath hand of the Philistine
no match for the shepherd boys' eye
his sharp glint of wound stone i like the image of this line, works well with the line above.

The opportune moment
the gust of wind
his army behind, his foe ahead
and facing his menacing hate, his giant curse i had to read this stanza twice in order to ascertain whose army; a suggestion would be show it's the boy [the youth, or, the lad faces...

The boy strikes him dead.  To the ground. why not use his name?
And quieting the taunting of insane rage, would quiets work better and also remove an [ing] word.
the odds overturned, and tables turned the two turned's creates a mild tongue twister.
his gain made with light, soft supple step soft feels redundant because of light. i do like the alliteration of supple step though

He pounces atop the stiff-headed lout
severing the demons obvious pride.
And raising aloft its once joined ridicule,
he shouts down his foes wounded by fear.

The shepherd boy caused, as he silenced their jeers for me the enjambment needs to be better
Now rounding about
he looks to his tribe
with uncertain haste, and without a bribe
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#3
billy Wrote:i like that the poem captures the feeling of the moment for the reader. i'd like to see more of the character of David, his name, what he was feeling emotionally; his fear or his courage. nonetheless i enjoyed the read and the originality.


Thunderembargo Wrote:The Goliath hand of the Philistine
no match for the shepherd boys' eye
his sharp glint of wound stone i like the image of this line, works well with the line above.

The opportune moment
the gust of wind
his army behind, his foe ahead
and facing his menacing hate, his giant curse i had to read this stanza twice in order to ascertain whose army; a suggestion would be show it's the boy [the youth, or, the lad faces...

The boy strikes him dead.  To the ground. why not use his name?
And quieting the taunting of insane rage, would quiets work better and also remove an [ing] word.
the odds overturned, and tables turned the two turned's creates a mild tongue twister.
his gain made with light, soft supple step soft feels redundant because of light. i do like the alliteration of supple step though

He pounces atop the stiff-headed lout
severing the demons obvious pride.
And raising aloft its once joined ridicule,
he shouts down his foes wounded by fear.

The shepherd boy caused, as he silenced their jeers for me the enjambment needs to be better
Now rounding about
he looks to his tribe
with uncertain haste, and without a bribe


yES.   These changes I MUST CONSIDER.   In particular a deeper and truer depiction of David.   He was my brother.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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