Summer in Autumn
#1
          Summer in Autumn


It's her name,
I didn't make it up,
nor the month she was born.
I definitely didn't choose the year.
Drinking age now, back into my life
with the climate changing:
new rules annexing those mad, mindless
boundaries of love.
O long Summer,
where can I run to not to burn?
I could melt the icecaps alone only
with memory of your warm sighy voice.
What would they say with all their high talk
and vicious insinuations?
And maybe what they say is true;
but I see what Yeats meant with tragic joy
and have prepared songs to drown out
cruel and hateful alarms.
But O that I were young again
and—
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#2
where can I run to not to burn? this line works but made me do a double/treble take. and wasn't keen on the [o's] but that said, they didn't spoil the poem. i'm seeing more of your work in a different light; not that it wasn't good before, this feels like a different good.
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#3
(10-23-2018, 07:38 AM)rowens Wrote:            Summer in Autumn


It's her name,                                                 Since the poem moves effortlessly through the unlikely and unexpected migration of time which runs backwards,      
I didn't make it up,                                          as it is transformed and renewed through the release of life, the appearance of your young love is a natural offset and
nor the month she was born.                          demarcation from your old age.
I definitely didn't choose the year.                        
Drinking age now, back into my life                Here, the definition of the age of the beloved is seemingly arbitrary.   The position within the poem upon which you have
with the climate changing:                             decided to provide a clue as to her identity--at least as it relates to you--is perhaps, a projection, as it is defined by "the
new rules annexing those mad, mindless        boundaries of love."
boundaries of love.
O long Summer,                                             Here the introduction of the Ode is transfixing just as it is rhetorical, providing new life as well as a new trajectory to the poem
where can I run to not to burn?
I could melt the icecaps alone only                 Almost a prophetic stirring as well as an attachment to the ethics of various relationships---the infernal turning of time, the loss of             
with memory of your warm sighy voice.        innocence can be observed in the pollution of the planet and the melting of the cold ices of fall, where summer remains, etc.
What would they say with all their high talk
and vicious insinuations?
And maybe what they say is true;
but I see what Yeats meant with tragic joy    the inclusion of Yeats instills strength in the poem, like adding sand or dust to a bag of quickrete which has been heavily watered
and have prepared songs to drown out
cruel and hateful alarms.
But O that I were young again
and—
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#4
(10-23-2018, 11:23 AM)billy Wrote:  where can I run to not to burn? this line works but made me do a double/treble take. and wasn't keen on the [o's] but that said, they didn't spoil the poem.  i'm seeing more of your work in a different light; not that it wasn't good before, this feels like a different good.

Could it be Where can I run to, not to burn?

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#5
It seemed natural when I wrote it, but as I was typing it up I stopped on that line too. I considered taking the first 'to' out, but that didn't feel right. The first 'to' reminds me of an old song that I can't remember, Where did you run to, or something like that. As for adding the comma, do you think it would slow the sentence? I don't want a pause. . . . Does it trip you up each time you read the line?
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#6
(10-24-2018, 12:04 AM)rowens Wrote:  It seemed natural when I wrote it, but as I was typing it up I stopped on that line too. I considered taking the first 'to' out, but that didn't feel right. The first 'to' reminds me of an old song that I can't remember, Where did you run to, or something like that. As for adding the comma, do you think it would slow the sentence? I don't want a pause. . . . Does it trip you up each time you read the line?
after i read it a couple of times i understood it and it was no longer a problem, that said many readers don't do a double/third retake. also the writer is always in charge, so it'll always be up to you as to how you use feedback .
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#7
Well, if nobody wants to read it again, that might say something. But so far I'm satisfied. It might be months or years later before I can look at it differently.
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#8
i think we're coming of one of our lowest spots since we started the site. also remember it's not in a critique forum. i think you're a confident enough poet to know it's a good poem with or without a change.
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