In the crater of an August moon
#1
My wine glass catches a burnt sky
then pours lilac over pan fried sea bass.
Couples clink and chat laughter
as the lonely ocean plays with silver.

A sturgeon moon scoops waves
high over the last strip of sand
fading colours into reflections
of bleached sun-bathed days.

The heady pull of memory's crush
holds scented hands bound by bracelets,
wrapped in the drift of distant music.

I smile looking down beyond your chair,
until the dry drips of an empty bottle
make me look up.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#2
Great title and solid poem, Keith. I need to think about it some more. One quick change that occurred to me: Perhaps change that in line 2 to then. It gives more of a sense of movement in the poem. It's a small thing I know. Enjoyed this.

Best,

Todd

(08-17-2018, 01:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  My wine glass catches a burnt sky
that pours lilac over pan fried sea bass,
couples clink and chat laughter
as the lonely ocean plays with silver.

A sturgeon moon scoops waves
high over the last strip of sand
fading colours into reflections
of bleached sun-bathed days.

The heady pull of memory's crush
holds scented hands bound by bracelets,
wrapped in the drift of distant music.

I smile looking down beyond your chair,
until the dry drips of an empty bottle
make me look up.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
Hey Keith, loads to love here. Since it's in misc. maybe just a few thoughts for you to sit with.

(08-17-2018, 01:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  My wine glass catches a burnt sky consider "a wine glass" - I think there's pros and cons with both, but worth looking at
that pours lilac over pan fried sea bass, up to here there's a lot to swallow. Def a full stop after "bass"
couples clink and chat laughter these 2 lines you could improve. I'm not a fan of "clink" - I get it but there's a disconnect just big enough to make this reader pause
as the lonely ocean plays with silver.

A sturgeon moon scoops waves loving "moon scoops"
high over the last strip of sand
fading colours into reflections
of bleached sun-bathed days.

The heady pull of memory's crush
holds scented hands bound by bracelets, you asking "pull" to be a noun here. For me it's a hurdle. But I love "heady" so I kinda don't want to mess with it
wrapped in the drift of distant music.

I smile looking down beyond your chair,
until the dry drips of an empty bottle I'll be up all night trying to imagine "dry drips". Thanks for that.

make me look up. Strong, strong last line. I could go into elaborate detail, but trust me it's very good. 

Thanks for sharing Keith. Just some quick thoughts to think about. As a whole I'm still digesting it. 
Paul

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#4
(08-17-2018, 07:24 AM)Todd Wrote:  Great title and solid poem, Keith. I need to think about it some more. One quick change that occurred to me: Perhaps change that in line 2 to then. It gives more of a sense of movement in the poem. It's a small thing I know. Enjoyed this.

Best,

Todd

(08-17-2018, 01:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  My wine glass catches a burnt sky
that pours lilac over pan fried sea bass,
couples clink and chat laughter
as the lonely ocean plays with silver.

A sturgeon moon scoops waves
high over the last strip of sand
fading colours into reflections
of bleached sun-bathed days.

The heady pull of memory's crush
holds scented hands bound by bracelets,
wrapped in the drift of distant music.

I smile looking down beyond your chair,
until the dry drips of an empty bottle
make me look up.

Thank you for the comments Todd, I took the 'then' forthe reasons you said, I had already changed it a few times and wasnt happy so, thank you.

(08-17-2018, 07:57 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Hey Keith, loads to love here. Since it's in misc. maybe just a few thoughts for you to sit with.

(08-17-2018, 01:57 AM)Keith Wrote:  My wine glass catches a burnt sky consider "a wine glass" - I think there's pros and cons with both, but worth looking at
that pours lilac over pan fried sea bass, up to here there's a lot to swallow. Def a full stop after "bass"
couples clink and chat laughter these 2 lines you could improve. I'm not a fan of "clink" - I get it but there's a disconnect just big enough to make this reader pause
as the lonely ocean plays with silver.

A sturgeon moon scoops waves loving "moon scoops"
high over the last strip of sand
fading colours into reflections
of bleached sun-bathed days.

The heady pull of memory's crush
holds scented hands bound by bracelets, you asking "pull" to be a noun here. For me it's a hurdle. But I love "heady" so I kinda don't want to mess with it
wrapped in the drift of distant music.

I smile looking down beyond your chair,
until the dry drips of an empty bottle I'll be up all night trying to imagine "dry drips". Thanks for that.

make me look up. Strong, strong last line. I could go into elaborate detail, but trust me it's very good. 

Thanks for sharing Keith. Just some quick thoughts to think about. As a whole I'm still digesting it. 
Paul
Hey Tiger thanks for the help with this one I made some quick changes based on your comments. Thanks again, Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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