Window Crack
#1
Information 
His window
Slightly cracked
He sat alone
And he listened.

You could almost
twirl the humidity
around your finger
and eat it like
cotton candy

The mustard sky
loomed above the
fields, static
building with
opressive gloom

The sun soaked
pavement thirstily
drinks the cascade
screaming with relief
after weeks ablaze

Quietly he sighed
as the rain fell
to earth like marble
sized meteorites
onto dead grass

-----

That's all I got so far. I kinda like this. Interesting ideas, no?
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#2
Hello again, Fae. Much like with the stranded poem there are interesting images here, but they don't really add up to a whole. Since you are approaching it as a sort of w.i.p. exercise, I will treat it as such.

(08-16-2018, 03:55 AM)Fae Wrote:  His window (this is a clear image but you are spoon feeding the reader imo.)
Slightly cracked
He sat alone
And he listened.

if you said

"He cracked the window
and listened"

The image is just as clear to me with half the reading to do

You could almost
twirl the humidity
around your finger
and eat it like
cotton candy Enjoyed this

The mustard sky
loomed above the
fields, static
building with
opressive gloom

For me, the image here lies in "static building" - I think you could describe it better if you spend some time with it

The sun soaked
pavement thirstily
drinks the cascade
screaming with relief
after weeks ablaze not liking this strophe. It's a bit of a cliche image and it's overdressed to compensate. And don't take that too harshly. All of us struggle to avoid cliche. Sometimes we get lucky.

Quietly he sighed
as the rain fell
to earth like marble
sized meteorites
onto dead grass
Again too elaborate for me. I'd be happier with...

"He sighed
as the rain fell"

But I'm just one reader. 

-----

That's all I got so far. I kinda like this. Interesting ideas, no?

I enjoyed both your poems. I think you'd benefit from having confidence in your word choices and core metaphors rather than try to prop them up with a dozen more words most readers don't need.
I'll be back,
Paul 

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#3
Hi Fae,

I just want to focus on one basic idea. When you're reading this out loud place a half beat after each unpunctuated linebreak. I'd ask you how that sounds to your ear. Each line needs to hold its own and I don't know if that's entirely happening here.

I think as lines go you also want to consider leading with your most interesting line. For me, that would mean starting the poem here:

You could almost
twirl the humidity
around your finger
and eat it like
cotton candy

This is a fun sequence. Breaking on almost does next to nothing for you same with breaking on like. You have options there's not only one way to do it. Here's an example of another approach:

You could almost twirl 
the humidity around 
your finger and eat it 
like cotton candy

You could also go for longer lines which could also shift the emphasis:

You could almost twirl the humidity 
around your finger and eat it 
like cotton candy

or even:

You could almost twirl the humidity around 
your finger and eat it like cotton candy

all of those have a different appeal. I would just encourage you to reconsider your lines and their breaks. I think there are some missed opportunities here. If you think of each line as a standalone element and a part of the larger whole, it might take you to some interesting places.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

(08-16-2018, 03:55 AM)Fae Wrote:  His window
Slightly cracked
He sat alone
And he listened.

You could almost
twirl the humidity
around your finger
and eat it like
cotton candy

The mustard sky
loomed above the
fields, static
building with
opressive gloom

The sun soaked
pavement thirstily
drinks the cascade
screaming with relief
after weeks ablaze

Quietly he sighed
as the rain fell
to earth like marble
sized meteorites
onto dead grass

-----

That's all I got so far. I kinda like this. Interesting ideas, no?
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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