heaven
#1
i was still outside the first 
three times i threw up 

only colorful when wounded
my life feathers at the edges

lakeside kids who all took 
shots after each song, the mood

was familiar, sullen, too lazy
to pick up who i was yesterday 

i see through the spring 
and the winter, the salacious

and the fast, and yet still
i am so far from you

"i've thrown up five times already," 
i said into the phone ("damn") 

you who will press water 
to my lips and let me adrift 

anger is flush with beauty and 
some things must be sinned for
to flourish is to fall, dust before the wind 
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#2
I feel inadequate, reading this one (much less understanding it).

The format of couplets separated by white space is intriguing.  How do they relate to each other chronologically and causally?  Are S3-4 a flashback?

The last couplet is memorable:  beauty and anger (or danger?) and things gained only through sin.  But are they good things, worthy of the sin?

Haunting.  Thanks for posting.
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#3
(08-04-2018, 08:53 AM)dukealien Wrote:  I feel inadequate, reading this one (much less understanding it).

The format of couplets separated by white space is intriguing.  How do they relate to each other chronologically and causally?  Are S3-4 a flashback?

The last couplet is memorable:  beauty and anger (or danger?) and things gained only through sin.  But are they good things, worthy of the sin?

Haunting.  Thanks for posting.

thanks for the kind words. to answer (to the best of my ability) some of your questions, 

--actually this started as a meticulously detailed account of a wild night of camping (hence 'lakeside') and drinking. i added a more abstract stanza at the end but felt unbalanced, so i pulled it apart into what it is currently

--'you' in some ways is death. ouch 

--really the only bit that is not chronological is the first couplet regarding the morning after

--interesting interpretation of the last couplet; i saw it as regardless of worth, some sins must be committed... for the sake of youth? beauty? ideology, who knows, it doesn't really matter in the end, maybe it's just an excuse to have a fun night
to flourish is to fall, dust before the wind 
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