Demi
#1
I imagine you with your eyes closed,
face smooth and unconcerned. You are young
enough to be my daughter.

I imagine you still younger
in a long black shirt, sleeves pulled down
nearly to your fingertips, hiding
a crisscross of white scars.

Now older and still hiding
collapsed veins, that line
of bee stings—your arms
a potholed road. If you can’t see,
then maybe you have control.

I cannot imagine you older 
than you are. Your life
is a track repeating
on a record forever. I imagine

you with your eyes closed.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#2
Hi Todd,  it has been a long time and I have gone for a friendly face in the crowd to get me started.  very rusty, so please excuse any obvious critique bloopers here.  (I feel like a newbie Blush )
Overall great but I felt like there was quite a lot of extra words in this one and a couple of clunky lines. 

(07-25-2018, 11:50 PM)Todd Wrote:  I imagine you with your eyes closed,     good opening and second line detail.  Managed to convey youth and innocence with a darker sub text.
face smooth and unconcerned. You are young       Almost felt like I didn't need the   you are  (but on the fence about this)
enough to be my daughter.

I imagine you still younger  ? still younger   or   younger still 
in a long black shirt, sleeves pulled down  I stumbled on the sleeves pulled down.  I like the image which I read as insecurity, but the pulled made the line feel too long, perhaps  ,sleeves nearly  
                                             down to your fingertips
      
nearly to your fingertips, hiding
a crisscross of white scars.       solid image but crisscross reads as a tired word choice.  (But it is delicious to say!  Undecided )

Now older and still hiding   Don't need the and.
collapsed veins, that line
of bee stings—your arms
a potholed road. If you can’t see,
then maybe you have control.       I kept reading then for them  This stanza feels like the whole poem, lovely.

I cannot imagine you older   Struggled most with this whole stanza.
than you are. Your life      Don't like the use of  than you are and the repeat of you so close. ? I cannot imagine you
                                                                                                                                                           any older.  Your life
is a track repeating
on a record forever. I imagine  I liked the introduction of the new image of a damaged record caught in the scratch groove, but there is something off in the delivery I can't quite work out.

you with your eyes closed.  Love the repeat line and the line spacing works well here to build on the image of a life on the tracks leading to an end stopped siding.

hopefully not gibberish.  AJ.
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#3
Hi, AJ, Great to see you again! Appreciate the comments. I'll make some changes when I revise.

I hope you've been well.

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#4
Hi Todd,
nice affective piece.
Loses its way a bit towards the end,
I think, but you've managed to avoid
overly sentimentalising, which works
well.

Demi

I imagine you with your eyes closed,
face smooth and unconcerned. You are young
- why not cut 'you are'? (also 'and').
Aren't 'face smooth' and 'unconcerned' a bit close
to synonyms in the context?
enough to be my daughter.

I imagine you still younger
- ',younger still,'?
in a long black shirt, sleeves pulled down
nearly to your fingertips, hiding
- cut 'nearly', it spoils the line, for me?
a crisscross of white scars.
- I don't think you need this line, it
is implied and stating it seems predictable.

Now older and still hiding
- The omission of 'I imagine'
is noticeable, perhaps,
Older now and hiding still, I imagine
veins collapsed, a line
of bee stings --
collapsed veins, that line
of bee stings—
- Either 'bee stings' (nice) or
a 'potholed road' but not both.
your arms
a potholed road. If you can’t see,
then maybe you have control.
- I think you need to build on
veins/stings, the speculation
about control seem to come
out of nowhere, and is rather
weak.

I cannot imagine you older
than you are.
- the reaction of N to this
is missing, which seems odd
(particularly after the mention
of 'daughter' earlier)
Your life
is a track repeating
- is the weak (drug) pun
'track' intentional? It feels
a bit clichéd now, where it
was fresh (and sincere) before.
on a record forever. I imagine

you with your eyes closed.
- not sure it should be by itself,
but it's a good ending.


Best, Knot.
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#5
Knot, some good editing suggestions. I'll see what makes it into the next revision. Appreciate the time you spent with it.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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