Daughter,
#1
Daughter,

when they say men are pigs
they're not far wrong,

our appetites are in our eyes
and you can't close them
even when we love you most.

The best of us will snort at the gate
every time an indifferent sun
falls a certain way
on the curve of a stranger's shoulder.

You could get kicked to the curb
for any shape that strikes, 

any mouth under the right moon,

any variation of pink,

any shadow,

any freckle you don't have.

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#2
This was really good. I like how you took a common phrase and expanded on its meaning--as an insider explaining the secrets. I like the comma in the title as though this were a confessional letter. A here's what's coming, you won't be prepared. This one builds well line-over-line.

I personally could accept it as it stands without changes. If I were to point out some possible improvements, they would be with these lines.

falls a certain way--This just strikes me as flat transition without doing much. I realize you're trying to show the capriciousness of it all, so maybe you do need a line here. That said, you could simply cut it and lead the next line with something like "backlights, dimples, etc" and probably get to where you need to go.

You could get kicked to the curb--kicked to the curb is a cliched idiom (that honestly doesn't read too badly for it). I worry though that it will hurt the poem over time by its inclusion.

Just some thoughts. Again, I really liked the poem and think you've done good work.

Best,

Todd



(05-18-2018, 10:32 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Daughter,

when they say men are pigs
they're not far wrong,

our appetites are in our eyes
and you can't close them
even when we love you most.

The best of us will snort at the gate
every time an indifferent sun
falls a certain way
on the curve of a stranger's shoulder.

You could get kicked to the curb
for any shape that strikes, 

any mouth under the right moon,

any variation of pink,

any shadow,

any freckle you don't have.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#3
Thanks Todd. 
Agreed on 'kicked to the curb'. I thought the sonics were nice for their abrupt sound, but I'm looking at a few other options. Not the first time I've used a comma in the title but I appreciate your noticing.
Thanks for reading.
Paul

(05-18-2018, 11:22 PM)Todd Wrote:  This was really good. I like how you took a common phrase and expanded on its meaning--as an insider explaining the secrets. I like the comma in the title as though this were a confessional letter. A here's what's coming, you won't be prepared. This one builds well line-over-line.

I personally could accept it as it stands without changes. If I were to point out some possible improvements, they would be with these lines.

falls a certain way--This just strikes me as flat transition without doing much. I realize you're trying to show the capriciousness of it all, so maybe you do need a line here. That said, you could simply cut it and lead the next line with something like "backlights, dimples, etc" and probably get to where you need to go.

You could get kicked to the curb--kicked to the curb is a cliched idiom (that honestly doesn't read too badly for it). I worry though that it will hurt the poem over time by its inclusion.

Just some thoughts. Again, I really liked the poem and think you've done good work.

Best,

Todd



(05-18-2018, 10:32 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Daughter,

when they say men are pigs
they're not far wrong,

our appetites are in our eyes
and you can't close them
even when we love you most.

The best of us will snort at the gate
every time an indifferent sun
falls a certain way
on the curve of a stranger's shoulder.

You could get kicked to the curb
for any shape that strikes, 

any mouth under the right moon,

any variation of pink,

any shadow,

any freckle you don't have.

Reply
#4
I read this as a father giving his daughter the inside track on men, it builds well and the word choices help the reader engage, I was left feeling a little defensive but I guess that was all part of the idea. You have some very strong lines that mostly infer the distraction of beauty, just looking or kissing, which for me is a redeaming feature of the poem

(05-18-2018, 10:32 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Daughter,

when they say men are pigs
they're not far wrong, Strong opening sets up the premise well

our appetites are in our eyes
and you can't close them
even when we love you most. a lot said here good economy

The best of us will snort at the gate
every time an indifferent sun
falls a certain way
on the curve of a stranger's shoulder. really like this image and phrasing

You could get kicked to the curb
for any shape that strikes,  weakest stanza, weve just read about the beauty of form above, so it doesnt add anything new, except the curb kicking and that could be improved.

any mouth under the right moon,

any variation of pink,

any shadow,

any freckle you don't have. great stepping down to a solid ending

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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