radio gaga
#1
radio gaga


don´t you know
the revolution we´re talking about
has been televised.
it is not the dystopian sci-fi flics,
it´s the silent film
behind the brain-numbing superman scenes
and the intelligent washing machine,
which also selects the right program

for you. the thing even adds detergent itself
while updating
your health maintenance organization
and your insurance
about the balance of salts in your sweat
plus the traces of booze.

the revolution is in the blog
where you practiced
your freedom of speech.
do you feel all right?
the boss is asking next week.
he knows
the revolution
is televised.



inspired by NaPM, i wasn´t sure if i could post more than one in those threads.
any on- and off-topic comments as well as critique is welcome!

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Reply
#2
Hi vagabond,
enjoyed the read.


radio gaga
Not really a fan of the title
(the song's fine) particularly
as the opening refers to television.

don´t you know
the revolution we´re talking about
has been televised.
it is not the dystopian sci-fi flics,
If 'has been' then shouldn't this be
'it was not...' ?
...

your health maintenance organization
and your insurance
think 'insurance' should precede HMO
Maybe;
while updating your insurance
informing your health... ?
about the balance of salts in your sweat
plus the traces of booze.
Maybe;
and the significance of all
those other stains ?
Either way this could be expanded on
to really explore the extent of the surveillance/
intrusion.

...


The surveillance washing machine is a nice idea,
but the title and the first stanza seem almost
antiquated.
Given the 'washing machine', if the revolution was
televised, this would suggest it was done during
commercial/advertising breaks (or with sponsorship).
For me the piece only really gets going from L7.
Did wonder if a change to the end line might help;
he knows the revolution is virtual.
Actually, on second thoughts, maybe cut S1 and S3
entirely - the intrusion offered the machine is very
effective and S3 rather dilutes it.


Best, Knot.
Reply
#3
thanks for commenting, knot.
will consider all that foa an edit. yep, the title sucks..
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