April Fools
#1
April Fools
Your apology lies untouched between us
like counterfeit bills proffered to pay
a loan: interest laden — long past due.
Yet...you pretend hurt feelings when
such often tried insincerity is rejected.
I wonder, is this an automatic response,
or have you finally fallen victim to your
own lies and half truths: delusional,
unable to distinguish between your
conveniently created fictions and realities.

The coin you now are forced to use
is so patently Plasticine that it obviously
lacks the ability to ring with anything
except absolute and abject falseness.
I once thought that everyone possessed
intrinsic worth, but if that is so, you must
have feverishly spent yours like a child with
a roll of dimes desperately trying to win
a prize at the traveling carnival — and
we both know what the odds are of that!

I somehow loved you once, before the
compounding interest on your continual
deceptions finally burned to a crisp that
near impossibility. Yet still, you seek
to trade on that old stock, long since devalued
beyond recognition when compared to
anything of any real worth, not realizing
that your behavior, which love once
made barely tolerable, has passed
from the simply disgusting and immoral,
into the realm of pure absurdity... as have you.

So...what lie are you needing me to believe
this time, in the hope of cheating me out of
whatever you feel is somehow your due,
but has yet to come into your possession?
Forgive me if I don't sit through your
whole performance, but your material,
even when fresh was stale, and that
was many years ago. Your acting was never good,
as you lacked the necessary rapport with
your audience to even try to appear sincere 
and only love’s willingness to completely discount
the obvious ever made it close to believable.

When you are finished with your rendering,
(all impurities aside), just show yourself
out (as you showed yourself in).
Please, quietly take whatever it is
you have come to steal. Whatever
it is, is probably worth it to me, if
it buys your absence, at least until
you think I have forgotten this
latest trick and you feel enough
hope of success to appear once
again to play another.

erthona

©2010
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#2
Hi Erthona,
enjoyed the read.


April Fools
(I'm wondering about the plural)

Your apology lies untouched between us
like counterfeit bills proffered to pay
like rather weakens this, I think.
(a counterfeit bill, proffered payment...)
a loan: interest laden — long past due.
Yet...you pretend hurt feelings when
such often tried insincerity is rejected.
reads a little awkardly
(these often tried insincereties are rejected)
I wonder, is this an automatic response,
(perhaps switch 'automatic' and 'response' ?)
or have you finally fallen victim to your
own lies and half truths: delusional,
You ask a question here but there is no
question mark
unable to distinguish between your
repetition of 'your'
conveniently created fictions and realities.

The coin you now are forced to use
is so patently Plasticine that it obviously
I don't think you need 'that'
('patently plastic' would have better sonics)
lacks the ability to ring with anything
except absolute and abject falseness.
not sure about this couplet
I once thought that everyone possessed
intrinsic worth, but if that is so, you must
have feverishly spent yours like a child with
a roll of dimes desperately trying to win
maybe rework;
intrinsic worth, and yet if that is true
then you spent yours, feverishly, like a child
with a roll of dimes, desperate to win ?
a prize at the traveling carnival — and
the 'and', I think, is unnecessary.
we both know what the odds are of that!

I somehow loved you once, before the
can't see the point of 'somehow', nor
ending with 'the'
compounding interest on your continual
deceptions finally burned to a crisp that
'burned to a crisp' - where did this mixed
metaphor come from?
near impossibility. Yet still, you seek
to trade on that old stock, long since devalued
beyond recognition when compared to
anything of any real worth, not realizing
that your behavior, which love once
made barely tolerable, has passed
from the simply disgusting and immoral,
into the realm of pure absurdity... as have you.
There a bit too much 'ranting' here I think, and
to be honest, I don't see that the stanza adds much
to the piece. (In fact, it may well detract from it)

The final two stanza, similarly don't add much
and the feel rather repetitive.
I'd suggest ending on (S2) 'we both know the odds of that'
Though perhaps
[Now], please show yourself out
as you showed yourself in
might make a suitable ending.


Regards, Knot
Reply
#3
Thanks Knot,

Very good critique, many I will use. The title was a bit of a play on words, as the day is "April Fool's Day" and people tend to shout "April Fool's" when a prank is pulled. In the poem, this incorporates a bit of irony; showing that both people involved are fools: as the poem goes on to explicate.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#4
Hi Erthona,

Some good lines in here that I enjoyed, such as "Please, quietly take whatever it is / you have come to steal."

There was a lot of over-expression, or over-achieving of expression by use of many words. But I can totally relate because I've done it myself many times (probably am right now.) It is a good thing to do when first engaging a work. Except I think this experience that you had, full of justified resentment, might better be finally told as a story, or at least partially, rather than as just your reaction to the events. So, I'd like to hear what the heck happened. At least some of the key moments. What did the person do that was immoral and then beyond immoral? What trickery in action was it that blind love was willing to overlook for a time? But show, from your perspective, how it unfolded.

Your reaction is clear but to engage our emotions, come from the perspective of telling the story. Start with the love. What you saw about the person that pulled your heart strings. Then the actions that seemed wrong but you overlooked. Where did they take place? Then the tricks that became too obvious to ignore, still hard to face because of your feelings. Then what you saw and heard that finally crossed the line.

Seems like the piece is touching on something pretty deep, and those are the hardest to write.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
dwcapture.com
Reply
#5
Danny,

Thanks for your input, I shall think on it. Thanks also for the time you spent going over this.

Best,


dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!