Future Diverse - Edit
#1
Future Diverse


People like to live among
others who are like themselves:
it’s a fact of human nature,
for security we need this
just to know what’s happening.
But we’re told diversity—
living deep-embedded, mixed
with people quite unlike ourselves—
forms our proper destiny.
Can that be, when our new neighbors
also want to live with only
others like themselves, for they
too are human, with that nature?
In this vision of elite
diversity our betters rattle,
must we live as hated strangers
in their strange land or enjoy -
if we can - the life of tourists?



People like to live among
others who are like themselves:
it’s a fact of human nature,
for security we need
this to know what’s happening.
But we’re told diversity—
living deep-embedded with
people quite unlike ourselves—
forms our proper destiny.
Can that be, when our new neighbors
also want to live with only
others like themselves, for they
too are human, with that nature?
In this vision of elite
diversity our betters rattle,
must we live as hated strangers
in their strange land or enjoy -
if we can - the life of tourists?
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply
#2
Hi Duke,

a few comments on this philosophical poem--mostly want you to consider some new line breaks. Comments below:

I like the voice and conversational tone of this I'm just wanting a few different end words.

(03-29-2018, 11:31 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Future Diverse


People like to live among
others who are like themselves:
it’s a fact of human nature,
for security we need--possibly end on "this" 
this to know what’s happening.
But we’re told diversity—
living deep-embedded with--don't like the break on with. I'd rather see it on "people"
people quite unlike ourselves—
forms our proper destiny.
Can that be, when our new neighbors
also want to live with only
others like themselves, for they
too are human, with that nature?
In this vision of elite--I understand why you break on elite. It works. I could also see breaking on "diversity" though that would likely mean a slight restructuring of the next line.
diversity our betters rattle,--If you did make the change you could pull up "must we live".
must we live as hated strangers
in their strange land or enjoy ---Like the Heinlein reference
if we can - the life of tourists?
Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#3
edit1;

Future Diverse


People like to live among
others who are like themselves:
it’s a fact of human nature,
for security we need this
just to know what’s happening.
But we’re told diversity—
living deep-embedded, mixed
with people quite unlike ourselves—
forms our proper destiny.
Can that be, when our new neighbors
also want to live with only
others like themselves, for they
too are human, with that nature?
In this vision of elite
diversity our betters rattle,
must we live as hated strangers
in their strange land or enjoy -
if we can - the life of tourists?


@Todd - Thanks for the very constructive criticism.  I played whack-a-mole with line endings until I sort of gave up and just tried to enforce manageable line lengths with mostly complete thoughts and starting on a stressed syllable.  I've incorporated your suggestions, more or less, toward the top while (mostly) maintaining the stresses where they were.

Concerning elite/diversity, now *I* see (again?) why I did that, too.  It puts the critical words at the focus points (line end and beginning), and after several tries I haven't found a revision with that advantage which also more or less keeps complete thoughts to lines.  It's probably there, I just haven't found it yet.

I keep playing with the last line - "the fate of tourists," perhaps?


I'm pretty sure Heinlein was quoting someone else with that "Stranger in a Strange Land" title, but haven't researched it.

edit:  Yes, it's from the KJV Bible (Exodus), of course.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!