Storm
#1
Now here's a little playing about with a very common thing - a storm. Critique, comment, whatever you like. I put it in this section because it's more experimental and a practice of vocabulary as a method of brush-strokes to paint a picture. There's no abstract or hidden meaning. Just attempt at an image.

Storm

Wind heralds energy;
leaves withdraw,
trees excitedly sway.

The gust introduces a flash,
makes the park electric,
deafens the air.

Everyone is gone.
They left before what now fully manifests
in a sky-splitting fissure.

Latches are already locked,
still a moist breath whistles
through the cracks.

The room buzzes with quiet alarm.
From somewhere comes the edge
of sound-
slow pristine cracking,
like the crystal surface of a lake
passing the limit of its burden,
when trails of bursting shards
draw miles of damage in an instant-

and it suddenly collapses,
frequencies plummeting into vibration,
every glassware rattling,
every muscle quiverring,

everybody frozen in time.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
dannywilfong.com
Reply
#2
You have some good lines here. I'd suggest a bit of cutting to bring the image to the surface more. Suggestions below (without regard to line breaks).

(03-27-2018, 04:55 AM)danny_ Wrote:  Now here's a little playing about with a very common thing - a storm. Critique, comment, whatever you like. I put it in this section because it's more experimental and a practice of vocabulary as a method of brush-strokes to paint a picture. There's no abstract or hidden meaning. Just attempt at an image.

Storm

Wind heralds energy;--don't think you need this line as you see the effect of wind in the next two lines without referring to it directly. This line is entirely too telling, especially for an opening line.
leaves withdraw,
trees excitedly sway.--This image feels slightly incomplete. You may want to give some thought to movement of the trees and the leaves withdrawing as being part of a coherent larger image that incorporates both ideas figuratively and then this could possibly be strong enough for an opening strophe. 

The gust introduces a flash,
makes the park electric,--This idea is interesting. Electric has a few meanings and they serve well here. I love deafens the air. What I don't like is the introduces a flash idea. Its cumbersome and hurts the clean delivery of the line.
deafens the air.

Everyone is gone.
They left before what now fully manifests--again this just gets in the way of the language
in a sky-splitting fissure.

Latches are already locked,
still a moist breath whistles--I like the phrasing on moist breath whistles. It introduces sound and the imagery fits a storm well.
through the cracks.

The room buzzes with quiet alarm.--This pans away from the action too much. It's also too flat.
From somewhere comes the edge
of sound-
slow pristine cracking,
like the crystal surface of a lake
passing the limit of its burden,--Consider ending here. These lines work well.
when trails of bursting shards
draw miles of damage in an instant-

and it suddenly collapses,
frequencies plummeting into vibration,--maybe plummet (and on the others below shift to present tense for immediacy).
every glassware rattling,
every muscle quiverring,

everybody frozen in time.--Probably cut everybody
This has some good moments. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#3
Those comments were very good indeed, Todd. Thank you. I recall from years back you always did provide good feedback. I might just agree with everything said. Equally I am glad to hear an echo back of what I also thought were the strongest lines/images. This reassures me about a lot of my work in general. Appreciate your time.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
dannywilfong.com
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!