Fearful Wading
#1
Just another from 2003 for the sake of sharing. Comments, critique, whatever you like. Thanks for reading :]

Fearful Wading

My bare legs
walk shin-deep
in murky water

The bottom feels
soft and rippled;
I crush a desert

No menace came
but I had a fear
of oil-black scales,

a vision of
a weightless sliver,
eyes that sought my heels

Dare I intrude,
his waters disturb
between the bulkheads?

From a dark hole
I prayed not
to awaken him.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
dannywilfong.com
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#2
Hey, I didn't mind the punctuation, but the concise structure seems to suffer from lines that are too direct & uneventful
(perhaps too much description for me that isn't going anywhere)
cus' now it's just concise and boring
make sure you pose the question "so what" after each stanza, or each line

(03-27-2018, 01:28 AM)danny_ Wrote:  Just another from 2003 for the sake of sharing. Comments, critique, whatever you like. Thanks for reading :]

Fearful Wading

My bare legs
walk shin-deep
in murky water
okay okay, you set the stage
but...

The bottom feels this is boring
soft and rippled;
I crush a desert re-word this, but it's good
But now it's just more description, who cares, really?

No menace came
but I had a fear
of oil-black scales,
So, you kinda killed the suspense intentionally here, dunno why
& yet again, "so what"?

a vision of
a weightless sliver, I like this
eyes that sought my heels pretty interesting, but this is just more of the same stuff we already got earlier
 
Dare I intrude,
his waters disturb
between the bulkheads? 
This is nice, I don't mind this reflection (:

From a dark hole
I prayed not
to awaken him.
Boring, It would have been more interesting if you DID decide to awaken the little shit.
We've kinda just been indulging into fearful thoughts,
but yet again - SO WHAT?
certified cynical pewb .
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#3
Hey thanks for that candid critique! That's actually what I was looking for. It's 15 years old, I was new to writing. But I was curious how it would be critiqued, and you did well. "So what?" good point. Thanks for the compliments on some imagery. I'm considering doing new poems based on some old work - taking the initial inspirations as a seed and sprouting poems entirely more engaging. This helps. Thanks Smile
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
dannywilfong.com
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#4
(03-27-2018, 02:46 AM)danny_ Wrote:  I'm considering doing new poems based on some old work - taking the initial inspirations as a seed and sprouting poems entirely more engaging. This helps. Thanks Smile

I would rather critique your latest writings, and writings that aren't based off of old revisions either.
I'm imposing my own thoughts here, but I've tried building off of old material as well: to no avail.

I dunno, I just find gravedigging stagnates introducing new thoughts
we should let what's old die, but hey, what do I know? I'm just a pewb.
certified cynical pewb .
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#5
The key to doing this would not be in rewording old work. It's to recall the original inspiration and come at it from a completely fresh start - and with all the experience gained over years. I know many poems are just hot air, emotion that really had no potential direction in the first place. But for many I can recall how much I wanted to paint the picture but just didn't know how.

Besides that I always like to hear from different people why a poem doesn't work well.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
dannywilfong.com
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