Hello all!
This is my first posting of my work here.
Hope you all enjoy!
This is titled "Casing" its a reflection of my Alive day and my battle with Mental Illness in Free Verse.
An erratic pulse accompanies like thoughts
Hand shakily leveling the escape
Sitting in silent contemplation
Sleepless nights take toll
Worn notepads of expression lay scattered
Mirror reflecting raw emotion
A singular muscle fiber threshold
Synaptic misfire risks neurocellular expansion
Desire to reach out met by paralytic fear
A twitch , A depression of steel
One does see the cailber of my thoughts.
Posts: 123
Threads: 16
Joined: Aug 2014
Best line: Worn notepads of expression lay scattered
Not sure if you would like any critique?
If not, stop reading here. Hehe.
The only sense I can make out of it is possible suicide. A bit wordy, lacks clarity. I have a little advice but only with permission. Thanks for sharing.
Posts: 52
Threads: 12
Joined: Sep 2017
The intricacy seems way too forced.
There also doesn't seem to be a central idea, its more of a cluster fuck of ideas, with an attempt to convey abstract thought.
Its like reading unfiltered emotion on crack that decided to pick up a thesaurus.
assholery not intended .
Posts: 297
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
off topic:
i salute whomever achieves to write down his or her emotions unfiltered (whith or without the use of a thesaurus). i think this is one of the aims of poetry.
the problem is that the seemingly nebulous emotions are the filtered ones. it´s clarity and reasons for emotions that usually get obscured by one´s own brain.
concerning poem:
(03-23-2018, 01:11 PM)zwubz Wrote: An erratic pulse accompanies like thoughts "accompany" makes a connection from "pulse" to "thoughts".. but consider something like "erratic thoughts direct my pulse"
Hand shakily leveling the escape do away with the "ings" in this line and the ones that follow. "hands level the escape shakily" sounds nicer
Sitting in silent contemplation
Sleepless nights take toll a bit clichéd
Worn notepads of expression lay scattered "notepads of expression" does not really make sense. think about what you want to say with this line...
Mirror reflecting raw emotion
A singular muscle fiber threshold ... and this...
Synaptic misfire risks neurocellular expansion ... because i think you got an interesting metaphor going here, but i am not capable of getting it.
Desire to reach out met by paralytic fear
A twitch , A depression of steel
One does see the cailber of my thoughts. "caliber". and no, i don´t see it yet.
Hello zwubz!
i´m sorry this is too much criticism for misc (according to rules).
but from my point of view misc shouldn´t be restricted in that fashion anyway.why not give a detailed opinion, even if the writer (merely by posting in misc) expresses that feedback is not explicitly needed?
...
Posts: 123
Threads: 16
Joined: Aug 2014
Yeah, others beat me to it.
Now, I personally like a read that draws in more solid images. Talk about the room, the light on the floor. Is it moonlight? Is it street light? Talk about the unmade bed, the cold feeling of steel in the hand, the clank of metal sounds outside- the crashing of trashcans by some scavenging creature, the thoughts in passing- the reflection of the decision to do this thing, to stress that trigger muscle. The very last thought that crosses the mind before there is no mind. All of that kind of thing gives me something to see and feel, rather than abstract messages that I have to decode - because after decoding the only reward I get is that I actually understood the thing, but it was mostly just a mental challenge.
Just my thoughts on the matter :] It's something I'm personally still working on myself.
(03-23-2018, 01:11 PM)zwubz Wrote: Hello all!
This is my first posting of my work here.
Hope you all enjoy!
This is titled "Casing" its a reflection of my Alive day and my battle with Mental Illness in Free Verse.
An erratic pulse accompanies like thoughts
Hand shakily leveling the escape
Sitting in silent contemplation
Sleepless nights take toll
Worn notepads of expression lay scattered
Mirror reflecting raw emotion
A singular muscle fiber threshold
Synaptic misfire risks neurocellular expansion
Desire to reach out met by paralytic fear
A twitch , A depression of steel
One does see the cailber of my thoughts.
I also think looking back on it that its heavy handed vocab and lack of clarity hinder it a bit. Fire away good sir!
