Mom
#1
Heart 
Mom

lines like crevasses in a deep desert canyon
carving a face
time dragging flesh from bone
melting into dust
certified cynical pewb .
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#2
I like these unapologetic looks at topics like this. 

Here are some suggestions to consider:

Might want to consolidate some of this into the title:

Mom's Face

A couple line notes if you like a title shift like that.

(03-15-2018, 02:41 AM)cloud Wrote:  Mom

lines like crevasses in a deep desert canyon--probably a bit long when looking at the rest of your lines. If you move face to the title you could try something like "carving lines like crevasses" as line one and move the rest to line 2. I don't have any problem with the content just slightly with the arrangement.
carving a face--My main issue with this is that it's largely unnecessary. We sort of know what lines your talking about already.
time dragging flesh from bone--I don't think time is needed canyons are formed over great time so the imagery already takes us there. The dragging flesh from bone though is solid.
melting into dust--No issue with the ending. It feels right.
I realize we don't always comment much in miscellaneous. So, I hope that isn't too much.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
(03-16-2018, 05:40 AM)Todd Wrote:  I like these unapologetic looks at topics like this. 

Here are some suggestions to consider:

Might want to consolidate some of this into the title:

Mom's Face

A couple line notes if you like a title shift like that.

(03-15-2018, 02:41 AM)cloud Wrote:  Mom

lines like crevasses in a deep desert canyon--probably a bit long when looking at the rest of your lines. If you move face to the title you could try something like "carving lines like crevasses" as line one and move the rest to line 2. I don't have any problem with the content just slightly with the arrangement.
carving a face--My main issue with this is that it's largely unnecessary. We sort of know what lines your talking about already.
time dragging flesh from bone--I don't think time is needed canyons are formed over great time so the imagery already takes us there. The dragging flesh from bone though is solid.
melting into dust--No issue with the ending. It feels right.

I realize we don't always comment much in miscellaneous. So, I hope that isn't too much.

Best,

Todd
dude, thanks!!
I was worried with the length, I often don't know how to fill lines appropriately without sounding too "wordy"

Also, do you think generally a poem should revolve around the theme or can it be more abstract without losing quality? So for example, I was going for the process of aging, should I have just elaborated on the canyon comparison ?
certified cynical pewb .
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#4
I think you generally try to stick with the theme. The process of aging and ultimately decay came across. If you establish a concrete image you have the liberty to add slight abstraction without killing it. It's like salt in soup though it can be overdone.

If you experiment in your drafts and then let them sit for a bit (usually a few weeks or a month) you'll usually have the distance necessary to see what choices are working.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#5
(03-16-2018, 11:08 PM)Todd Wrote:  I think you generally try to stick with the theme. The process of aging and ultimately decay came across. If you establish a concrete image you have the liberty to add slight abstraction without killing it. It's like salt in soup though it can be overdone.

If you experiment in your drafts and then let them sit for a bit (usually a few weeks or a month) you'll usually have the distance necessary to see what choices are working.

Fair enough, I guess I like my dishes short & sweet, maybe some bitterness as well for balance  Wink

Makes me wonder if the great poets ever ruminated on their works for long periods of time before being satisfied
or perhaps in a moment of inspiration, the words come together in the moment; like intuitively picking certain flowers to form a bouquet, giving its own unique fragrance

probably a combination of both
certified cynical pewb .
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#6
I'm with you in thinking its a combination. There are some things I've written (and I'm not great) that have just been near perfect from the start--and there are some I've never been satisfied with. It's a human condition thing certainly.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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