Should Know
#1
"Should Know"


Everyone is telling me that I should be all good to go.
Everyone is telling me that I should just say I don't know.

I should know because my head is screwed on tight as jelly jars,
plus my home is filled with many things that come from near and far.

I just know that I am seventeen and life could end right now.
Living like there's no tomorrow, futureless and feeling proud.

Slowly I see my life fade to black, because I failed to try.
Quickly I would trade it back, to try and fix my messed up life.
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#2
(03-04-2018, 01:37 AM)AndyBryant123 Wrote:  "Should Know"


Everyone is telling me that I should be all good to go.
Everyone is telling me that I should just say I don't know.

I should know because my head is screwed on tight as jelly jars,
plus my home is filled with many things that come from near and far.

I just know that I am seventeen and life could end right now.
Living like there's no tomorrow, futureless and feeling proud.

Slowly I see my life fade to black, because I failed to try.
Quickly I would trade it back, to try and fix my messed up life.

This is subtle - took several reads to puzzle out a drumbeat of seven feet to the line, but then it's perfect.  Likewise the consistently near-rhymed couplets.

For some reason, I want to read "head" instead of "home" on L4.  Or maybe "brain."  "[N]ear and far" is an obvious cliche, but also another near-rhyme... though a phrase as original as "tight as jelly jars" could work.  The trouble with cliches as cliches is that they're still cliches in the morning.

It's a great portrayal of confusion:  the counterpoint between pride and seeing no future in S3 is especially effective.

One small point of grammar:  I want to put a hyphen in "messed-up."  Not sure what rule demands it there, though.

Interesting read.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
"Should Know"


Everyone is telling me that I should be all good to go.                            
Everyone is telling me that I should just say I don't know.                                                      [to just say,  "I don't know"]?

I should know because my head is screwed on[enjambment] tight as [a] jelly jars,        
plus my home is filled with many things that come from near and [&] far.                               both filled and many is redundant.

I just know that I a'm seventeen and life could end right now.
Living like there's no tomorrow, futureless[,] and feeling proud.

Slowly I see my life fade to black, because I failed to try.
Quickly I would trade it back, to try and fix my [this]messed up life.





What messed up the life? Was there an outside force?
Just curious. There was some trouble with the cliche,
but I don't mind.



-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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