Wasted lines

[AndyBryant123]

This is a poem I wrote for my english class. The goal was to follow a rhythm and meter. My poem is in dactylic tetrameter, and its called Wasted lines. Feedback and suggestions welcome. I hope you enjoy.

"Wasted Lines"

So many times I've wrote the same rhyme.      
Way too much time spent on just the same line.   


Too many songs that I wrote about her.   
Too many lines that continue to burn.                                       


Stolen so many great lines that I wrote.   
So many lines now that I cannot quote.   


Cave or a slave are both ways that I've felt.    
Ten thousand lines all wrapped under my belt.   


So many times I have wrote the same rhyme.   
Used like I was when she told me goodbye.  


Used to write songs that are just about birds.  
Now I write songs that restate that Im hurt.    


Count all the times that my heart has been broke.    
Count all the times like your counting the votes.      


Slave in a cave all according to felt .    
Made all the same, every page is my hell.   

[CRNDLSM]

I think you're sacrificing clarity for meter.  The sentence structuring is making me work too hard when the rhythm of the meter just wants to relax and enjoy it.  The meter is putting me to sleep so I'm not absorbing the words.  Wasted lines?

[Keith]

Hi Andy
Shouldn't there be four lots of DUM da da, Thus 12 syllables per line? I like some of the partial end rhymes and the internal rhymes, however the poem doesn't really grab me, mostly because of the content, it feels superficial in many places and there are some lines that feel forced into catching a rhyme Votes and Felt especially. You could try and rewrite thinking more about what you want to say then stick to the meter you have chosen. Best Keith