And Prayers
#1
and prayers

to think
you were in my home

mooching my food
my wine
my dope

ogling my girl

to think
of you murdered
for the wrong word
at the wrong time

you are welcome

now
      
      here

in my thoughts

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#2
Rich.

Hard to stop reading it.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#3
This is wonderfully intense, with the story packed in to two short stanzas.
I love how the tittle only comes in to play after the last line.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara 
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#4
Thanks guys. This is mostly a true story.
I don't like the spacing at the end. I want the words now and here to take up a physical space, but I don't want to look gimmicky doing it. Still thinking.
Thanks,
Paul

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#5
Nicely understated piece Tiger.

Small suggestion, make L2/L8
symmetrical, either both 'of you'
or 'you were'.

I guess you tried right aligning
'here'(with the 'e' in home)?

Best, Knot.
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#6
(02-28-2018, 08:55 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  and prayers

to think
you were in my home

mooching my food
my wine
my dope

ogling my girl

to think
of you murdered ooh yeah, changing the "of you" into "you were murdered" would be somewhat nicer, especially since it puts an emphasis on the "now", what with the fifth stanza's "you are welcome"
for the wrong word
at the wrong time

you are welcome

i'm thinking just cutting off everything below, and changing the title; or maybe cutting of everything below "now", then changing the title to "in my prayers". but then i at first didn't think the below's that gimmicky -- that is until you pointed it out.

now
      
      here

in my thoughts

i guess since it took two people pointing out things for me to only elaborate on the things they pointed out, i didn't read this carefully enough. i don't know if it's the circumstances of my readings -- i notice i'd read this specific piece only during midnights -- or if there just isn't much to say (and thus, much to absorb? i can't say i got anything sublime out of this either....not the sublimity i enjoy, at least) about this piece. and reading the two other notes on this piece, i'm betting more on the latter, but then i would be doing what i was warned not to do when i was starting out in this site. i could push to be more original, but that would require a better situation -- right now is also a midnight -- and a far more unnatural take on things, neither of which would prove really productive in any sense. so i guess i should just leave this little stream of consciousness with a "good work"....i guess?
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