America On Line edit 0.0001nibbed
#1
Skins on drums were wet with sweat
the day the band danced through the town.
Sun held high in burned-out sky;
bald eagles  soared  above the crowd.
The sidewalk, wider than before,
bulged and strained along the route;
mostly where the piper’s pranced
and black on blond came marching by.
With hair in bobbing, tressled tails
and legs that  wet the old men’s eyes,
stars flicked and kicked,
stripes swirled and curled
round silken flashes, youthful thighs.
 
America, America…hear your heart on days like these,
when pipes and drums and bugles play.
A poignant pageant passed today
with fresh, young hope surplanting sleaze.
Remember, we are watching.
 
(Undisclosed youtube location)
Tectak
2017 AT
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#2
I'm getting the picture here, and the sentiment.

Not a critique thread, but a few thoughts:

When I read "pipes" and marching with drums, I think of bagpipes.  On the other hand, when I read drums, marching, and flags I think of fife and drum (18th-century military music, sometimes with slack un-snared drums for "original instruments" historicism).  On the third hand, there's the Pied Piper to be considered...

"[S]urplanting" is a nice word, suggests replacement specifically from above rather than from the side or below like "supplanting."

The last line is an interesting turn, suddenly going first-person-plural from implied third-person observation.  Trying to decide if this implies lack of involvement other than vicarious by the first-person "we."

An engaging read - thanks for posting!
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
Hey tectak



Skins on drums were wet with sweat
the day the band danced through the town.          -I'd take out this last the
Sun held high in burned out sky;                            - a hyphen between burned out is more aesthetic
bald eagles  soared  above the crowd.
The sidewalk, wider than before,
bulged and strained along the route;                       -visual
mostly where the piper’s pranced
and black on blond came marching by.                   
With hair in bobbing, tressled tails
and legs that  wet the old men’s eyes,                      -wet doesn't seem to fit, they cried?
stars flicked and kicked,                                             [great visual
stripes swirled and curled,                                           lines of splendid celebration]
round silken flashes, youthful thighs.                          -round silken?
 
America, America…hear your heart on days like these, -crowded lines here, on purpose?
when pipes and drums and bugles play.
A poignant pageant passed today                                -poignant doesn't sound correct
with fresh, young hope surplanting sleaze.
Remember, we are watching.
 
(Undisclosed youtube location)
Tectak
2017 AT


it reminded me of the news story
about the high school cheerleaders
who dressed all too provocatively,
I think in Florida, not sure...
and all the uproar involved in all that.
It also brought back the times
of our annual Fourth of July parade,
except the excitement was limited
to the real Colonel Sanders as Grand Marshal
and the fun of red-white-and-blue
bicycle decorations. The last line seemed
to indicate a need for a stern reminder
or perhaps to even show sarcasm.


-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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#4
(02-13-2018, 01:40 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Hey tectak
Hi nibbed, thanks for this. Yes and no from you and me.
I eat all crit. 
Best,
tectak


Skins on drums were wet with sweat
the day the band danced through the town.          -I'd take out this last theYes, I believe you would...but what about the meter?
Sun held high in burned out sky;                            - a hyphen between burned out is more aesthetic Done
bald eagles  soared  above the crowd.
The sidewalk, wider than before,
bulged and strained along the route;                       -visual
mostly where the piper’s pranced
and black on blond came marching by.                   
With hair in bobbing, tressled tails
and legs that  wet the old men’s eyes,                      -wet doesn't seem to fit, they cried? Er...yes...are you a born again Puritan, nibbed?
stars flicked and kicked,                                             [great visual
stripes swirled and curled,                                           lines of splendid celebration]
round silken flashes, youthful thighs.                          -round silken?My bad. Comma gone on line above. Good catch.Credited
 
America, America…hear your heart on days like these, -crowded lines here, on purpose?It was a crowded day...
when pipes and drums and bugles play.
A poignant pageant passed today                                -poignant doesn't sound correctWhy?
with fresh, young hope surplanting sleaze.
Remember, we are watching.
 
(Undisclosed youtube location)
Tectak
2017 AT


it reminded me of the news story
about the high school cheerleaders
who dressed all too provocatively,
I think in Florida, not sure...
and all the uproar involved in all that.
It also brought back the times
of our annual Fourth of July parade,
except the excitement was limited
to the real Colonel Sanders as Grand Marshal
and the fun of red-white-and-blue
bicycle decorations. The last line seemed
to indicate a need for a stern reminder
or perhaps to even show sarcasm.l am significantly gratified that all was clear...right down to the last line. Smile


-nibbed

(02-12-2018, 11:28 PM)dukealien Wrote:  I'm getting the picture here, and the sentiment.

Not a critique thread, but a few thoughts:

When I read "pipes" and marching with drums, I think of bagpipes.  On the other hand, when I read drums, marching, and flags I think of fife and drum (18th-century military music, sometimes with slack un-snared drums for "original instruments" historicism).  On the third hand, there's the Pied Piper to be considered...

"[S]urplanting" is a nice word, suggests replacement specifically from above rather than from the side or below like "supplanting."

The last line is an interesting turn, suddenly going first-person-plural from implied third-person observation.  Trying to decide if this implies lack of involvement other than vicarious by the first-person "we."

An engaging read - thanks for posting!
...and thanks for reading, duke. I was worried about being a little too pompous...but now I don't think that's possible. What a difference a year makes in Trumptown.
best,
tectak
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