Although I’m Dust
#1
edit 2

Although I’m Dust

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled a sad word 
onto the side of her face 
which she mistook for a compliment.
  
And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs. 
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing. 
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty. 

[cymbal crash]


edit 1

Although I’m Dust

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled a sad word 
onto the side of her face 
which she mistook for a compliment.
  
And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs. 
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing. 
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.


original

Although I’m Dust

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled some sad word  
onto the side of her face 
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.
  
And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs. 
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing. 
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.  


[cymbal crash] 
Reply
#2
(12-10-2017, 09:45 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
Although I’m Dust

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled some sad word  
onto the side of her face 
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.
  
And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs. 
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing. 
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.  


[cymbal crash] 

i don´t know if this wants a comment but am ignoring that thought.
"knife" makes many things possible..  rape, murder, suicide. or simply giving up.
the little thing.. would seem to me it´s a heart.
i love the phrase "system of signs" because it´s often true, things make a special sense for a while, even if those signs turn out to be delusional.
...
Reply
#3
Although I’m Dust                                              so, what's wrong with gold dust if you have enough of it?

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled some sad word  
onto the side of her face 
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.              not sure mistakenly is the right word...          

And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs.                   I hope she didn't need them to remember stuff
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing.                                            simple? that's supposed to be a secret, isn't it?
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.  


[cymbal crash]                                                     a pan lid ?


it's a cute ditty
but it might be very vague
to most folks
I hope you are warm and happy
tonight, wherever you are.


-nibbed                                                   
there's always a better reason to love
Reply
#4
(12-14-2017, 05:50 PM)nibbed Wrote:  Although I’m Dust                                              so, what's wrong with gold dust if you have enough of it?

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled some sad word  
onto the side of her face 
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.              not sure mistakenly is the right word...          

And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs.                   I hope she didn't need them to remember stuff
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing.                                            simple? that's supposed to be a secret, isn't it?
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.  


[cymbal crash]                                                     a pan lid ?


it's a cute ditty
but it might be very vague
to most folks
I hope you are warm and happy
tonight, wherever you are.


-nibbed                                                   

hello, 

thanks for your comments. 

and you’re so funny with your “not sure mistakenly is the right word”. well let me put your mind at ease and assure you it is. in fact, i have deliberately chosen words quite specifically on account of them being “the right words”. call me old fashioned, but i find this to be the best method for writing poems. 

about it being too vague for most folks. yeah well, fuck em. you know? like just fuck em.
Reply
#5
(12-15-2017, 01:00 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
(12-14-2017, 05:50 PM)nibbed Wrote:  Although I’m Dust                                              so, what's wrong with gold dust if you have enough of it?

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled some sad word  
onto the side of her face 
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.              not sure mistakenly is the right word...          

And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs.                   I hope she didn't need them to remember stuff
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing.                                            simple? that's supposed to be a secret, isn't it?
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.  


[cymbal crash]                                                     a pan lid ?


it's a cute ditty
but it might be very vague
to most folks
I hope you are warm and happy
tonight, wherever you are.


-nibbed                                                   

hello, 

thanks for your comments. 

and you’re so funny with your “not sure mistakenly is the right word”. well let me put your mind at ease and assure you it is. in fact, i have deloberately chosen words quite specifically on account of them being “the right words”. call me old fashioned, but i find this to be the best method for writing poems. 

about it being too vague for most folks. yeah well, fuck em. you know? like just fuck em.



It would have been nice to receive a milder, uh...less harsh response?
It called manners, just sayin'.

-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Reply
#6
(12-10-2017, 09:45 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.
  

This line is clunky and needs to be reworked. I'd consider choosing a stronger verb so that you wouldn't have to modify it with an adverb.
                                                ! It's IIce Station Zebra time !         Newest Challenges -->   #5 is here     #X is here
Reply
#7
(12-15-2017, 01:00 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
(12-14-2017, 05:50 PM)nibbed Wrote:  Although I’m Dust                                              so, what's wrong with gold dust if you have enough of it?

We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled some sad word  
onto the side of her face 
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.              not sure mistakenly is the right word...          

And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs.                   I hope she didn't need them to remember stuff
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing.                                            simple? that's supposed to be a secret, isn't it?
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.  


[cymbal crash]                                                     a pan lid ?


it's a cute ditty
but it might be very vague
to most folks
I hope you are warm and happy
tonight, wherever you are.


-nibbed                                                   
hello, 

thanks for your comments. 

and you’re so funny with your “not sure mistakenly is the right word”. well let me put your mind at ease and assure you it is. in fact, i have deloberately chosen words quite specifically on account of them being “the right words”. call me old fashioned, but i find this to be the best method for writing poems. 

about it being too vague for most folks. yeah well, fuck em. you know? like just fuck em.
You've already been asked to refrain from comments like this in this forum.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out.
ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads.
New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips


Reply
#8
(12-15-2017, 02:57 AM)Lizzie Wrote:  
(12-10-2017, 09:45 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
which she mistakenly took as a compliment.
  

This line is clunky and needs to be reworked. I'd consider choosing a stronger verb so that you wouldn't have to modify it with an adverb.

indubitably. i have edited accordingly.
Reply
#9
(12-10-2017, 09:45 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
Although I’m Dust
We held hands and I kissed her 
for a second time, untouched. 
I scribbled a sad word onto the side of her face 
which she mistook for a compliment.
  
And then and there,  
outside of her,  
outside of o-me-o-my, 
I took a knife to love’s system of signs. 
 
—Help me cut through this thing, 
this simple little thing. 
She couldn’t do it; 
but my, she sure was pretty.

Cleaner. On my first few reads, I felt like arguing about certain points of the piece, such as the rather uncomfortable ending, but found the exercise to be unnecessary. I do miss the cymbal crash at the end, though -- it enforces the rather playful nature of the whole thing.
Reply
#10
cheers. i’ll probably re-introduce the cymbal crash. i miss it, too.
Reply
#11
I like it better now, too. It looks neater.
I'm weird about forms being squared,
having stray lines that go too far beyond the margins of other lines, like this one (unless there's purpose, like this one).
I searched terms for a better way to tell you,
but I couldn't find it. I like this better.


-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Reply
#12
(12-21-2017, 03:47 AM)nibbed Wrote:  I like it better now, too. It looks neater.
I'm weird about forms being squared,
having stray lines that go too far beyond the margins of other lines, like this one (unless there's purpose, like this one).
I searched terms for a better way to tell you,
but I couldn't find it. I like this better.


-nibbed

i see. i’m almost the opposite to that. i like poems that look a bit all over the place (i’m a bit all over the place, so maybe that’s why). neat narrow-columned poems often look fake or twee and provincial, to me (not that i haven’t or don’t do it—i’m nothing if not inconsistent). 
you say you don’t like lines to stray past the margins of other lines unless for a purpose; but, the real trick for me is finding a purpose for keeping any of the lines within a margin, in the first place. if it’s simply to make it look neat—or, worse, like a poem—then i can live without it. 
also, i think poetry is, by its nature, somewhat contrived and theatrical and unnatural. so i often like to use the whole stage and push it as far as possible, rather than hiding the artifice behind slightly more acceptable artifice. i don’t know. something like that. 
but, i don’t mind keeping this one tidy. it seems to suit it.

anyway, thanks for reading it and taking the time to comment (both times). and sorry if my previous comment was a bit sarcastic, but remember “only the mediocre are always at their best... an’ that ain’t us”. 

Hare Krishna
Reply
#13
Needs more cymbal crash.

For some reason this reminds me of Raglan Road -- might be the sign, might just be that sense of misplaced and misinterpreted affection. I really do love that second strophe.
It could be worse
Reply
#14
(12-21-2017, 05:38 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  
(12-21-2017, 03:47 AM)nibbed Wrote:  I like it better now, too. It looks neater.
I'm weird about forms being squared,
having stray lines that go too far beyond the margins of other lines, like this one (unless there's purpose, like this one).
I searched terms for a better way to tell you,
but I couldn't find it. I like this better.


-nibbed

i see. i’m almost the opposite to that. i like poems that look a bit all over the place (i’m a bit all over the place, so maybe that’s why). neat narrow-columned poems often look fake or twee and provincial, to me (not that i haven’t or don’t do it—i’m nothing if not inconsistent). 
you say you don’t like lines to stray past the margins of other lines unless for a purpose; but, the real trick for me is finding a purpose for keeping any of the lines within a margin, in the first place. if it’s simply to make it look neat—or, worse, like a poem—then i can live without it. 
also, i think poetry is, by its nature, somewhat contrived and theatrical and unnatural. so i often like to use the whole stage and push it as far as possible, rather than hiding the artifice behind slightly more acceptable artifice. i don’t know. something like that. 
but, i don’t mind keeping this one tidy. it seems to suit it.

anyway, thanks for reading it and taking the time to comment (both times). and sorry if my previous comment was a bit sarcastic, but remember “only the mediocre are always at their best... an’ that ain’t us”. 

Hare Krishna


Hi, Shem


You're right. I got in trouble for not keeping neat margins in grade school.
I kept flunking out at it, even with that faint margin line provided on the paper.
I was over-trained! It's okay you got sarcastic, sometimes I take things wrong.
I have even believed The Onion stuff, before I realized it was satire.


-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Reply
#15
(12-21-2017, 05:59 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Needs more cymbal crash.

For some reason this reminds me of Raglan Road -- might be the sign, might just be that sense of misplaced and misinterpreted affection.  I really do love that second strophe.


thanks. and you’re right, it is similar to raglan road. in theme, at least. and i will reintroduce the cymbal crash. cheers.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!