absence (edit 1)
#1
absence

I have left cryptic notes along the way
to coax you back into the world of the living

don't you know that you are missed?
that, though you only walked the halls in silent slippered feet 
you were not invisible

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
this curtain pulled aside 

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore an impression into my foundation, 
the way softly falling water hollows stone

and even after time dries up the source 

the stone cannot forget the water's mark








First attempt at an edit. Consider this still in progress.  If I have made a wrong turn and should put something back the way it was, feel free to say (change isn't always better).  It's hard for me to tell if each change is better or worse because I have been reading it the original way for months.  It takes me so long to get up the courage to post these blasted things that by the time I finally do, the words have been sitting there in that exact order for so long that all change sounds strange and wrong.  I'm going to have to put some blind faith in my readers to tell me what is actually better and what is worse.  Thumbsup

(Though, as has been frequently suggested, river does sound nice, the problem is that it is simply not a river.  It is a stone underneath a tiny steady drip or steam of water, the water is minimal and soft and hardly noticeable, but with time it will still carve a deep basin into the stone’s surface that can be seen long after the water source dries up. A river is simply too massive and noticeable.  

Sometimes a person can be so unobtrusive that you don’t notice how much room they take up in your life until they are gone and you find you have a massive hole where they used to be.)
 

I have left cryptic notes along the way 
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living

don't you know that you are missed? 

that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet 
you were not invisible

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation, 
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.

and even when the water changes course 

the stone cannot forget the water's mark
-------------------------
"I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else."  -- Neil Gaiman

"Ditto." -- Quix
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#2
Super gorgeous and gentle, Quix.  For the last lines, would you consider "when the river changes course"?   Just to avoid repetition of the word "water".

(12-07-2017, 07:42 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  I have left cryptic notes along the way 
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living

don't you know that you are missed? 

that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet 
you were not invisible

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation, 
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.

and even when the water changes course 

the stone cannot forget the water's mark
It could be worse
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#3
(12-07-2017, 07:58 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Super gorgeous and gentle, Quix.  For the last lines, would you consider "when the river changes course"?   Just to avoid repetition of the word "water".


Thanks, Leanne!   I will mull over changing to river, it would sound better acoustically.  The only problem is that I was visualizing the water falling down from above, like a steady drip, and river would change that part of it.
-------------------------
"I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else."  -- Neil Gaiman

"Ditto." -- Quix
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#4
this poem is literally the epitome of gay.
'The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.'

—Albert Camus


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#5
Love and swoon. The language is lush, as is the imagery, but its longing goes straight to my heart. It's the thoughts I send to those I miss until I give up. And even then I send them out every now and then, finished hoping but still wishing.

Thanks for posting this, it's lovely.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out.
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#6
(12-07-2017, 09:49 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Love and swoon. The language is lush, as is the imagery, but its longing goes straight to my heart. It's the thoughts I send to those I miss until I give up. And even then I send them out every now and then, finished hoping but still wishing.

Thanks for posting this, it's lovely.


Thanks for reading, Ella!  So happy you liked it. :Blush And yes, that is exactly it.
-------------------------
"I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else."  -- Neil Gaiman

"Ditto." -- Quix
Reply
#7
Possible alternatives for the second water: droplets; if currents also are too strong maybe flow, although flow might bring a hippydippy note, just for shem Smile; trickle; a brook or stream may fall softly, it's hard to find something soft enough when you use "change course",

I'm thinking
even when the rain chain sways

Okay, I'll stop. Hysterical
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out.
ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads.
New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips


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#8
(12-07-2017, 10:10 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Possible alternatives for the second water: droplets; if currents also are too strong maybe flow, although flow might bring a hippydippy note, just for shem Smile; trickle; a brook or stream may fall softly, it's hard to find something soft enough when you use "change course",

I'm thinking
even when the rain chain sways

Okay, I'll stop. Hysterical

Hysterical rain chain sways, I like it.  

Yes, lots of options, and some good suggestions in there.  I do need the word to have two syllables.  I know there isn't an actual rhythm "pattern" but in my head it all stomps along a certain way (speaking patterns maybe?) and to change it means changing all the other words to fit.    I actually like the idea of finding a way to fit softly in there.  Like, "even when it softly changes course" maybe.  I don't know ... mulling.  :Smile
-------------------------
"I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else."  -- Neil Gaiman

"Ditto." -- Quix
Reply
#9
(12-07-2017, 07:42 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  I have left cryptic notes along the way 
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living

don't you know that you are missed? 

that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet 
you were not invisible

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation, 
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.

and even when the water changes course 

the stone cannot forget the water's mark
Really like the delicate way you approach this L 5 and 10 are stand out for me and help set the tone of the whole piece, I'm with Leanne on the penultimate line, but could also consider " and even when the riverbed runs dry" just a thought. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#10
seriously, don’t change the last line. the repetition of water is the only good thing about this otherwise buttmunch poem.
'The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.'

—Albert Camus


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#11
(12-07-2017, 10:26 AM)Keith Wrote:  Really like the delicate way you approach this L 5 and 10 are stand out for me and help set the tone of the whole piece, I'm with Leanne on the penultimate line, but could also consider " and even when the riverbed runs dry" just a thought. Best Keith

Thanks Keith! :Smile. And I do like your suggestion for the change because it fits into the same pattern space as the original line.  I may play around with a combination of this and some of Ella’s suggestions.

(12-07-2017, 10:33 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  seriously, don’t change the last line. the repetition of water is the only good thing about this otherwise buttmunch poem.

Wink  noted.
-------------------------
"I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else."  -- Neil Gaiman

"Ditto." -- Quix
Reply
#12
(12-07-2017, 10:33 AM)shemthepenman Wrote:  seriously, don’t change the last line. the repetition of water is the only good thing about this otherwise buttmunch poem.
"This is a beautiful example of reverse psychology at work in a critical fashion," said Sid.

"You shouldn't drink and type," said Nancy. "It's not very anarchist and you're spilling it on my knickers. Use both hands for wanking instead."
It could be worse
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#13
Not keen on that new font Quix, very hard to read.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#14
(12-07-2017, 10:04 PM)Keith Wrote:  Not keen on that new font Quix, very hard to read.

Oh I didn’t know the font had even changed, that was not intentional.  Technology plays tricks on me sometimes. :Tongue I’ll try to fix it, if I can figure out exactly what is different.  Thumbsup
-------------------------
"I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else."  -- Neil Gaiman

"Ditto." -- Quix
Reply
#15
Quixilated
nicely done, emotional without being overly sentimental, a difficult balance to achieve.

I have left cryptic notes along the way
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living
Like the image but 'breadcrumbs' and 'coax' - together
- don't quite work for me.

don't you know that you are missed?
that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet
you were not invisible
Given the contraction in 'slipper'd', the one in 'don't' seems wrong.
Either;
You do know that you are missed? Or,
Do you not know that you are missed?
Don't think you need 'that' at the start of L5.

you left fingerprints
an opened book
that curtain pulled aside
I think you need a little more detail here.
The three images don't form a sufficiently
complete picture for me.

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation,
I think these to lines are comparatively weak.
To live more gently than a ghost (something notoriously dead)
seems rather nonsensical,
and the shift from ghost to water is not one I can follow.
Rain might lead to river, but ghost does not.
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.
given the gentleness of 'you', 'carve' is rather fierce.

and even when current changes course
the stone cannot forget the water's mark
Terrific close,
I agree with others who have suggested 'river',
current doesn't work. And I'd suggest looking
again at 'water's mark' given it might be misread
as watermark. (River's caress might do)

Best, Knot.
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#16
(12-08-2017, 12:22 AM)Knot Wrote:  Quixilated
nicely done, emotional without being overly sentimental, a difficult balance to achieve.

I have left cryptic notes along the way
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living
Like the image but 'breadcrumbs' and 'coax' - together
- don't quite work for me.

don't you know that you are missed?
that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet
you were not invisible
Given the contraction in 'slipper'd', the one in 'don't' seems wrong.
Either;
You do know that you are missed? Or,
Do you not know that you are missed?
Don't think you need 'that' at the start of L5.

you left fingerprints
an opened book
that curtain pulled aside
I think you need a little more detail here.
The three images don't form a sufficiently
complete picture for me.

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation,
I think these to lines are comparatively weak.
To live more gently than a ghost (something notoriously dead)
seems rather nonsensical,
and the shift from ghost to water is not one I can follow.
Rain might lead to river, but ghost does not.
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.
given the gentleness of 'you', 'carve' is rather fierce.

and even when current changes course
the stone cannot forget the water's mark
Terrific close,
I agree with others who have suggested 'river',
current doesn't work. And I'd suggest looking
again at 'water's mark' given it might be misread
as watermark. (River's caress might do)

Best, Knot.

Hey Knot,
Thank you so much for reading and for taking time on it.  :Thumbsup I’ll consider your suggestions.  I am not liking current so far either but it always takes time for me to know for sure, words must be chewed.
-------------------------
"I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else."  -- Neil Gaiman

"Ditto." -- Quix
Reply
#17
Hi Quix, I do like much of what you've done here. Some comments for you to consider.

(12-07-2017, 07:42 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  I have left cryptic notes along the way
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living

I like the opening. A couple things, I'm not sold on the shortened line  2. Possibly move up "to coax you back". The shortened line isn't powerful enough for me to stand out the way it does. Also considering your literary reference to Hansel and Gretel, the breadcrumbs were not like a treat that coaxed them back but a tenuous trail to bring them back into the world.I like the lines on their own but line three feels like a slightly off connection to the breadcrumbs--if that makes sense.

don't you know that you are missed? 
that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet 
you were not invisible

I'm not sure that the question wouldn't be better expressed as a statement written in a way similar to the last line. I do like the development of the content and the sonics in silent slipper'd (though I'm nto sure what the apostrophe buys you).

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

You may want to substitute that with "a". It sounds softer and I don't know the advantage of pointing to a specific curtain as opposed to recognizing a general pattern.

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation, 
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.

Not sure you need the "and"but love the first line here. It has some lovely phrasing. Also not sure the modifier "steady" does much more than weigh down the line. Line 3: Maybe a slight rearranging, "the way water will carve a path by softly falling onto stone." Thematically, there is no path yet it seems that stone would be the better word emotionally to end the line on. I know that's a bit subjective on my part.

and even when current changes course

the stone cannot forget the water's mark

Current is entirely the wrong word. It is too forceful and undermines your softly falling on stone comments before. (Think more along what you've developed. "and even when the rain is silent/ or and even when the rain turns to mist/ or and even when the sun burns away the morning mist/ The last line though is excellent. It just needs the correct setup in the previous line.
I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#18
Hi Quix,

Your poem seems to be a kind message sent to someone who might be in distress or wandered away.
I hope they can read it and understand it was meant just for them. It reminded me of the verse:
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them
who are the called according to his purpose.



I have left cryptic notes along the way 
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living                                                                                        -I thought about heaven

don't you know that you are missed? 

that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet                                     -only ever might be let go
you were not invisible

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

and though you lived more gently than a ghost                                                                           
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation,                                                  
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.                                                                 -very nice

and even when the water changes course                                                                                                 -and even can be let go

the stone cannot forget the water's mark



Nice. I had difficulty focusing on the fonts, and changing it
could do a lot more for this poem.

Thank you for the kind read.


-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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#19
(12-08-2017, 05:43 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi Quix, I do like much of what you've done here. Some comments for you to consider.

(12-07-2017, 07:42 AM)Quixilated Wrote:  I have left cryptic notes along the way
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living

I like the opening. A couple things, I'm not sold on the shortened line  2. Possibly move up "to coax you back". The shortened line isn't powerful enough for me to stand out the way it does. Also considering your literary reference to Hansel and Gretel, the breadcrumbs were not like a treat that coaxed them back but a tenuous trail to bring them back into the world.I like the lines on their own but line three feels like a slightly off connection to the breadcrumbs--if that makes sense.

don't you know that you are missed? 
that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet 
you were not invisible

I'm not sure that the question wouldn't be better expressed as a statement written in a way similar to the last line. I do like the development of the content and the sonics in silent slipper'd (though I'm nto sure what the apostrophe buys you).

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

You may want to substitute that with "a". It sounds softer and I don't know the advantage of pointing to a specific curtain as opposed to recognizing a general pattern.

and though you lived more gently than a ghost
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation, 
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.

Not sure you need the "and"but love the first line here. It has some lovely phrasing. Also not sure the modifier "steady" does much more than weigh down the line. Line 3: Maybe a slight rearranging, "the way water will carve a path by softly falling onto stone." Thematically, there is no path yet it seems that stone would be the better word emotionally to end the line on. I know that's a bit subjective on my part.

and even when current changes course

the stone cannot forget the water's mark

Current is entirely the wrong word. It is too forceful and undermines your softly falling on stone comments before. (Think more along what you've developed. "and even when the rain is silent/ or and even when the rain turns to mist/ or and even when the sun burns away the morning mist/ The last line though is excellent. It just needs the correct setup in the previous line.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd, thank you so much for taking time on this!  Your comments are very helpful and much appreciated as always.  The breadcrumbs are to coax the way one would leave a little trail of crumbs to encourage a timid animal to trust or come closer, following the encouragements along the way (and yes always fairytale references  when possible, and the crumbs Hansel left, though he left them himself, they were still designed to guide the way Home. Breadcrumbs can act as a beacon, yes?). However, though it all makes sense in my head, that doesn’t mean it is obvious to the reader.  I will take a closer look at the metaphor.  

And yes, current is not working but it’s a place holder.  It bothers me more than the water did so leaving it in for now will force me to keep trying to fix that line.  :Big Grin

(12-08-2017, 07:59 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Hi Quix,

Your poem seems to be a kind message sent to someone who might be in distress or wandered away.
I hope they can read it and understand it was meant just for them. It reminded me of the verse:
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them
who are the called according to his purpose.



I have left cryptic notes along the way 
like breadcrumbs
to coax you back into the world of the living                                                                                        -I thought about heaven

don't you know that you are missed? 

that, though you only ever walked the halls in silent slipper'd feet                                     -only ever might be let go
you were not invisible

you left fingerprints 

an opened book 
that curtain pulled aside 

and though you lived more gently than a ghost                                                                           
your presence wore a steady impression into my foundation,                                                  
the way water softly falling onto stone will carve a path.                                                                 -very nice

and even when the water changes course                                                                                                 -and even can be let go

the stone cannot forget the water's mark



Nice. I had difficulty focusing on the fonts, and changing it
could do a lot more for this poem.

Thank you for the kind read.


-nibbed

Hi nibbed, thank you so much for reading and for the suggestions!  Yes the narrator is speaking to someone who is gone, whether that is distance or death is up to the reader. And I do love that verse too. ;Wink  I am sorry about the font, you are not the first to have trouble with it.  I thought I changed it but perhaps I made it worse.  It must look different on my device.  I’ll try a different one and perhaps you can let me know if it’s an improvement?  Thumbsup
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#20
Hi quixilated,

It's way easier on the eyes now! I think the other fonts was too bold and the characters seemed jammed too close together. It's funny how gentle water applied steady on rock or stone can make a tremendous, lasting, impression. It seems a sort of kinder persuasion. All the best to you!


nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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