Final Edit: Mediodía
#1
Mediodía

At evening, in bed.
 
Her knife beat the wooden board 
to the repicador's rhythm; saloma 
howls and accordions filled the house 
with a soul that smelled like the 
simmering gravy for carne guisada. 
Alex, tráeme más pimientos del jardín, por favor. 
            When will the beef be done, Abuela? 
Al mediodía mi niño, 
 
al mediodía. 



Original: Mediodía

At evening, I dream.

Her knife beat the wooden board 
to the repicador's rhythm; saloma 
yodels over accordions filled the house 
with a soul that smelled like the  
simmering gravy for carne guisada. 
Alex, dame más pimientos del jardín por favor. 
            When will the beef be done Abuela? 
Al mediodía mi niño, 
 
al mediodía.

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#2
Mediodía

At evening, I dream.

Her knife beat the wooden board
to the repicador's rhythm; saloma (recipient/singer)
yodels over accordions filled the house
with a soul that smelled like the  
simmering gravy for carne guisada. (jerky)
Alex, dame más pimientos del jardín por favor.
           When will the beef be done Abuela?
Al mediodía mi niño,

al mediodía.  

pretty neat chanson de ordinaire, my limited french allowed me to only have to look up a couple of words.  it's got some nice chimy alliteration and assonace mixed in with the gravy, and is as dry as the jerky you've covered with lashings of satay gravy. impressive keep up the tempo
My Muse, to labour chained
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes

mehopkins1971.wordpress.com
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#3
This is a beauty, I love how the sounds and scents interact here. "Soul" can be a tough word to put into a poem but for me it is just right here, not only in it's meaning of "essence" but also coming as it does in the center of saloma and simmering. Nice job.

"mediodía mi niño" is just lovely to say. Smile


(12-05-2017, 12:31 PM)alexorande Wrote:  Mediodía

At evening, I dream.
 
Her knife beat the wooden board 
to the repicador's rhythm; saloma 
yodels over accordions filled the house 
with a soul that smelled like the  
simmering gravy for carne guisada. 
Alex, dame más pimientos del jardín por favor. 
            When will the beef be done Abuela? 
Al mediodía mi niño, 
 
al mediodía. 
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out.
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#4
(12-05-2017, 12:31 PM)alexorande Wrote:  Mediodía

At evening, I dream.
 
Her knife beat the wooden board 
to the repicador's rhythm; saloma 
yodels over accordions filled the house 
with a soul that smelled like the  
simmering gravy for carne guisada. 
Alex, dame más pimientos del jardín por favor. 
            When will the beef be done Abuela? 
Al mediodía mi niño, 
 
al mediodía. 


at first glance sweet, but also subtly bittersweet.
on the second read the knife and the peppers almost seem to be processing the musical background.
what a mix of language and culture..  
 i can almost hear abuela say  this "al mediodia" in a slow, enhanced way as if she wasn´t referring to the beef (alone). then i was drawn back to the title.. it´s evening and the subject maybe just understood something that wasn´t seen as a child.  

p.s. wouldn´t grandma say "bring me more peppers from the garden" instead of "give me more peppers from the garden"? though "traeme" doesn´t sound as nice...
wasn´t sure first if "yodel" is a verb or a substantive, i settled on substantive..
somehow i stumble over these "accordions" or maybe just the word "over" instead of "and".
and.. what is saloma? all i found was salomé.. i think it sort of fits in if meant like that.. but i might be far off.
...
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#5
(12-05-2017, 12:31 PM)alexorande Wrote:  Mediodía Over here, we typically use "alas-dose" if we're not using the term that's properly Austronesian, so I had no idea what this meant until I Googled -- in retrospect, should have been way more obvious to me. 

At evening, I dream. 
 
Her knife beat the wooden board 
to the repicador's rhythm; saloma I love the fact that the following outpouring of italics isn't because it's in Spanish, but because it's in dialogue -- disposes of a device that I've grown to have mixed feelings about. I though saloma was Salome, Google was particularly unhelpful with that. 
yodels over accordions filled the house "Yodels", though? I haven't heard much "salomas", but judging by my fair-enough experience with local traditional music and with Anglophone traditional music, as well as my limited experience with Spanish music in general, I don't think "yodels" is a usual enough phenomenon to be the right word.
with a soul that smelled like the  
simmering gravy for carne guisada. Not something we usually have, but I suppose we have plenty of equivalents. So, for my imagination's sake, I sub-in Kaldereta. Eh, not quite my favorite, but it's enough.
Alex, dame más pimientos del jardín por favor. 
            When will the beef be done Abuela? Comma before "Abuela", I guess.
Al mediodía mi niño, 
 
al mediodía. 
Something about this mixes envy, repulsion, and admiration in me -- the poem, and not the poem's subject matter. Oh, the poem's matter is fine, and the poem's delivery of its matter is fine (bar the whole "yodel" thing, which really took me out), and I do wish I had made something very close to this, but something about this piece, and about my envy for it, feels too....I dunno, opportunistic? as if we're exploiting our national identity, more specifically our half-assed connections to it (well, *my* half-assed connections to *my* national identity -- I don't know about you), for the same sort of exhibitionistic personal gain that allowed for the exploitation of said identity....ah, but that's all nonsense, anyway. Lovely work -- I especially enjoyed pronouncing those sweet Spanish words in my head.
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#6
Thank you ellajam and Mopkins.

Hi vagabond, I agree that "bring" makes more sense in the dialogue, and I also agree "dame" sounds better. I'll probably have to ask my dad for advice on the matter. Saloma is a type of yell Panamanians do that resembles yodeling. They'd do it in their folk music or two men would compete, bouncing off each other different tonal variations of these yodels, though I'm not sure what would be the objective of such a competition. I'm assuming it's until the other gets tired, but it is fun to watch I think.
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#7
Hi RiverNotch,

How could you not like Kaldereta! Stuff is great. Probably one of my favorite Filipino dishes, considering that I'm not the biggest fan of Filipino dishes. 

I agree about "yodels"; I was pretty on the fence about it. But with "howls" substituted in my latest edit, I gotta say I'm still feeling unsure. I still gotta ask my dad when I get home tonight what he thinks, since he's the Spanish-speaker in the house.

I gotta admit, I do have half-assed connections to both of my cultures. But my intention wasn't to exploit, if it came off that way it was accidental. I just wanted to show my grandma doing something she would do when I was a kid.
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#8
Bah, no yodels and accordions? For me you've robbed the poem's charm. We assume the musicians aren't present, does it matter what device they're coming through? I think you've lost the dreamlike quality that the first line implies, for me it was a memory with only the important stuff appearing. I liked the breaks on Saloma and house better. I hope you go back and if you must tweak, please do so gently. imo, of course.

(12-05-2017, 12:31 PM)alexorande Wrote:  Mediodía

At evening, in bed.
 
Her knife beat the wooden board 
to the repicador's rhythm; the radio's 
saloma howls and violin melodies filled 
the house with a soul that smelled like 
the simmering gravy for carne guisada. 
Alex, dame más pimientos del jardín por favor. 
            When will the beef be done Abuela? 
Al mediodía mi niño, 
 
al mediodía. 



Original: Mediodía

[i]At evening, I dream.[/i]

Her knife beat the wooden board 
to the repicador's rhythm; saloma 
yodels over accordions filled the house 
with a soul that smelled like the  
simmering gravy for carne guisada. 
Alex, dame más pimientos del jardín por favor. 
            When will the beef be done Abuela? 
Al mediodía mi niño, 
 
[i]al mediodía.[/i]

billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out.
ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads.
New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips


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#9
ach me peabrains sah puny i fought u weer speakin franceish, nae spainish, och tis frozen solide tu bee shure
My Muse, to labour chained
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes

mehopkins1971.wordpress.com
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#10
Hi ellajam,

I do like the yodeling, but I looked up how yodeling is like rapidly alternating the pitch of your voice, which wasn't what saloma howling was; although they sound similar, it's more of a howl. I went back to accordions also. I think I'm set on this edit. Thanks for the comments.

Best, Alex
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#11
(12-06-2017, 06:01 AM)alexorande Wrote:  How could you not like Kaldereta! Stuff is great. Probably one of my favorite Filipino dishes, considering that I'm not the biggest fan of Filipino dishes. 

I gotta admit, I do have half-assed connections to both of my cultures. But my intention wasn't to exploit, if it came off that way it was accidental. I just wanted to show my grandma doing something she would do when I was a kid.
It's not my favorite, but I didn't say I didn't like it. And I was just being silly about the whole exploitation thing -- although I don't quite think that renders it without merit. Eh, in truth I'm ambivalent -- and "howls" betters the piece.
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