If I don't then no one else will

[Keith]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain,
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains,
I elevate and screech my name.

[Richard]

Hey Keith,
I don't get the second line, but I could be missing something. What is a "rugs clear stain"? However, I love the last line. I especially like how you switch from rhyme to internal rhyme, emphasizing the sense of screeching. I also like the imagery of in the first and third line; "sharp morning rain" brought to mind some chilly mornings.

Cheers,
Richard

[vagabond]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain
stood layered on a rugs clear stain,
silent shops pipe a dead refrain
I elevate and screech my name.

this has an impact . glass in the last line (is what i hear).

you might make "refrain" plural in the 3rd line for rhythm.

[Keith]

Hey Keith,
I don't get the second line, but I could be missing something. What is a "rugs clear stain"? However, I love the last line. I  especially like how you switch from rhyme to internal rhyme, emphasizing the sense of screeching. I also like the imagery of in the first and third line; "sharp morning rain" brought to mind some chilly mornings.    

Cheers,
Richard

Hey Richard I was seeing rain water running off her clothes, pooling onto a rug in the entrance to a shop. Thanks for commenting. Best keith

---

Absorbed by sharp morning rain
stood layered on a rugs clear stain,
silent shops pipe a dead refrain
I elevate and screech my name.

this has an impact . glass in the last line (is what i hear).

you might make "refrain" plural in the 3rd line for rhythm.

The screech of an old elevator drowning out her need to screech her own name becuase if she doesnt then no one else will, good catch on refrains, taken and inserted best Keith

[nibbed]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain
stood layered on a rugs clear stain,                                  apostrophe
silent shops pipe dead refrains
I elevate and screech my name.

It seems sad and lonesome.
Hope all's well <3


-nibbed

[Keith]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain
stood layered on a rugs clear stain,                                  apostrophe
silent shops pipe dead refrains
I elevate and screech my name.

It seems sad and lonesome.
Hope all's well <3


-nibbed

Hi nibbed thanks for that, much appreciated, and yes thanks all is well with my world, I write sad poems when I'm happy and sing when I'm stressed. Best Keith

[RiverNotch]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain 
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains
I elevate and screech my name. 

Image-wise, beautiful, but syntax-wise, a little messy:
Absorbed by sharp morning rain stood layered on a rug's clear stain (the rain stands on a rug?), silent shops pipe dead refrains I elevate and screech my name. (how does screeching one's name relate to elevating dead refrains? or is there supposed to be a comma between "refrains" and "I elevate", in which case what the heck does "I elevate" mean?)
It's really distracting, and I can't tell whether that's the point or not. Perhaps:
Absorbed by sharp morning rain
and stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains
I elevate -- then screech my name.
Though of course I'm not sure if those silent shops are really the subject of the first two lines or not.

[Keith]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain 
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains
I elevate and screech my name. 

Image-wise, beautiful, but syntax-wise, a little messy:
Absorbed by sharp morning rain stood layered on a rug's clear stain (the rain stands on a rug?), silent shops pipe dead refrains I elevate and screech my name. (how does screeching one's name relate to elevating dead refrains? or is there supposed to be a comma between "refrains" and "I elevate", in which case what the heck does "I elevate" mean?)
It's really distracting, and I can't tell whether that's the point or not. Perhaps:
Absorbed by sharp morning rain
and stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains
I elevate -- then screech my name.
Though of course I'm not sure if those silent shops are really the subject of the first two lines or not.

Thank you RiverNotch, I sense your frustration here, I have no excuse it should have been three commas and a full stop, edited now, I elevate could mean two things, she gets on an elevator and screeches her name, and or she elevates to a place in her mind were screetching her name makes her feel alive. Not sure this works that well and it's kind of fell flat, because nobody understands it. I should probably just let it ride the eternal escalators listening to dead refrains. Thanks for taking the time with this. Best Keith

[RiverNotch]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain,
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains,
I elevate and screech my name.

I'll take this -- it's still not as smooth as I would like, but I think that's more on me than you. The images are somehow clearer now, with all the proper subjects and objects -- I don't quite see an active elevator, since everything seems to imply the outside, but what I do see might be of interest: a dead shopping mall, and the feelings of liberation I imagine it would bring its visitors. I haven't been to any dead shopping malls around here, whenever a mall "dies" around here it just becomes a sort of ukay (although perhaps the closest I've been is when the "high-end" mall at the edge of the barangay -- which, by the way, is the third on its street, goddamn -- was still an infant, with its upper floors devoid of stalls), so I suppose I speak more out of sentiment than of experience.

[busker]

Absorbed by sharp morning rain,
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains,
I elevate and screech my name.

I like how you’ve rhymed every line, although “name” doesn’t quite fit in.
Perhaps “Jane”” (a specific name) instead of “my name”?
I don’t know if that helped.

I don’t understand the title either

[Keith]

Hi Busker
Welcome to the site, I'll have a think about the specific name, thanks Keith

[Leanne]

I don’t understand the title either

Perhaps the difficulty is that socks can't read

Absorbed by sharp morning rain,
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains,
I elevate and screech my name.

Keith, I'm not feeling this primarily because of the unevenness, and some missing articles.  Who/ what is absorbed?  The narrator's attention?  Or the N her/himself?  Or the shops?  And I'm not convinced "sharp" is doing enough work, image-wise.

Now that I think about it, it's only really the first line that's letting it down.  Changing that would probably bring the rest into focus.  I do really like the third line, and think I'd like the last one if it didn't make me think a bit too much of an owl.  Or maybe that's the point.

[Keith]

I don’t understand the title either

Perhaps the difficulty is that socks can't read

Absorbed by sharp morning rain,
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains,
I elevate and screech my name.

Keith, I'm not feeling this primarily because of the unevenness, and some missing articles.  Who/ what is absorbed?  The narrator's attention?  Or the N her/himself?  Or the shops?  And I'm not convinced "sharp" is doing enough work, image-wise.

Now that I think about it, it's only really the first line that's letting it down.  Changing that would probably bring the rest into focus.  I do really like the third line, and think I'd like the last one if it didn't make me think a bit too much of an owl.  Or maybe that's the point.

Thank you Leanne, I've been rolling this one round too much to see it clearly now, I was trying to catch a sense of loneliness being in the shops when everyone's at work or avoiding the misery of a cold wet day. I think I'll take a step back, this happens a lot when I try to do a short poem. I find I have nowhere to take it. Best Keith