Coastal Features
#1
Open wide your mouth of gargled sand,
rivers spit their rocks from dribbled lips.
fading sight collides with ragged skies,
storm-cats claw their kittens from your side.

Footprints throw up stubble on smooth cheeks
sea-foam slides its white from wave to hand,
once again the Barber’s whetted-blade
scrapes its trade across your weathered face.

And should I dare to climb and brush bleached curls
of coloured shrubs that wave across your brow.
Then I could rest and feel the pounding calm,
that calls me here to heal within your arms.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#2
nature as a mirror, your images manage to turn the outside in .. esp. L4 and L5.
love the dual "whetted" and the feeling of subtle danger accompanying the foodprints being washed away on the shore.

it somehow made me think of a painting.. though it doesn´t fit the poem very well (don´t have a profound knowledge of paintings to chose from anyway)
https://www.thinglink.com/scene/658225006207041537
...
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#3
(11-24-2017, 02:07 AM)Keith Wrote:  Open wide your mouth of gargled sand,
rivers spit their rocks from dribbled lips.
fading sight collides with ragged skies,
storm-cats claw their kittens from your side.

Footprints throw up stubble on smooth cheeks
sea-foam slides its white from wave to hand,
once again the Barber’s whetted-blade
scrapes its trade across your weathered face.

And should I dare to climb and brush bleached curls
of coloured shrubs that wave across your brow.
Then I could rest and feel the pounding calm,
that calls me here to heal within your arms.
I bet you like that barbers sword on your weathered faceSmile lol but great economy and your images are very powerful indeed!
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#4
(11-28-2017, 02:26 PM)Perkinwarbeck Wrote:  
(11-24-2017, 02:07 AM)Keith Wrote:  Open wide your mouth of gargled sand,
rivers spit their rocks from dribbled lips.
fading sight collides with ragged skies,
storm-cats claw their kittens from your side.

Footprints throw up stubble on smooth cheeks
sea-foam slides its white from wave to hand,
once again the Barber’s whetted-blade
scrapes its trade across your weathered face.

And should I dare to climb and brush bleached curls
of coloured shrubs that wave across your brow.
Then I could rest and feel the pounding calm,
that calls me here to heal within your arms.
I bet you like that barbers sword on your weathered faceSmile lol but great economy and your images are very powerful indeed!

This is full of great lines, however to me these great lines seem to have been thrown together. It is very hard for me to tell (if at all)  what the message of the work is supposed to be.
Someday the Mystery will be known Wink
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#5
(11-24-2017, 02:14 PM)vagabond Wrote:  nature as a mirror,  your images manage to turn the outside in  .. esp. L4 and L5.
love the dual "whetted"  and the feeling of subtle danger accompanying the foodprints being washed away on the shore.

it somehow made me think of a painting.. though it doesn´t fit the poem very well (don´t have a profound knowledge of paintings to chose from anyway)
https://www.thinglink.com/scene/658225006207041537

Thank you for commenting vaga, I guess it could be about being in a place you love to paint. Best Keith

(11-28-2017, 02:26 PM)Perkinwarbeck Wrote:  
(11-24-2017, 02:07 AM)Keith Wrote:  Open wide your mouth of gargled sand,
rivers spit their rocks from dribbled lips.
fading sight collides with ragged skies,
storm-cats claw their kittens from your side.

Footprints throw up stubble on smooth cheeks
sea-foam slides its white from wave to hand,
once again the Barber’s whetted-blade
scrapes its trade across your weathered face.

And should I dare to climb and brush bleached curls
of coloured shrubs that wave across your brow.
Then I could rest and feel the pounding calm,
that calls me here to heal within your arms.
I bet you like that barbers sword on your weathered faceSmile lol but great economy and your images are very powerful indeed!
Hey perkinwarbeck
Thank you for the kind words. Best Keith


This is full of great lines, however to me these great lines seem to have been thrown together. It is very hard for me to tell (if at all)  what the message of the work is supposed to be.
[/quote]

Thanks for the feedback homer, message recieved, or not as the case may be. There really isnt that much to get, you could just be trying too hard with this one its the face of I place I love to visit.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#6
Hey Keith
Enjoyed this, particularly the 'barber' image, original - title works very well.
I couldn't make any sense of the first verse at all I'm afraid, do you really need it?

Open wide your mouth of gargled sand,
rivers spit their rocks from dribbled lips.
fading sight collides with ragged skies,
some rather ugly images I think - baffled.
storm-cats claw their kittens from your side.

Footprints throw up stubble on smooth cheeks
perhaps 'track their' or 'washed up' for 'throw up'
(too close to 'vomit')
sea-foam slides its white from wave to hand,
'white' is a little weak, what other colour would it be?
once again the Barber’s whetted-blade
scrapes its trade across your weathered face.
why not 'plies its trade'? Scrapes doesn't seem
sufficiently maritime.

And should I dare to climb and brush bleached curls
why 'dare'? (Seems slightly out of step with 'rest' and 'calm')
of coloured shrubs that wave across your brow.
'coloured' after 'bleached'? Slightly contradictory.
A botanical detail would provide a bit of a lift.
Second use of wave, would 'break' work?
Then I could rest and feel the pounding calm,
that calls me here to heal within your arms.
Nice ending, though it seems to arrive
rather suddenly; a hint as to why N needed healing at the start
would help, I think (though not too broad a one)

Best, Knot.
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