Audio: (If) You Should Die (Song)
#1



I just wrote this little song, thought I'd share it here.

I can't get the embed to work, here's a link: https://k003.kiwi6.com/hotlink/13ah8vq68...ld_Die.mp3

Here are the lyrics:

You should die painfully slowly
with surf in your lungs as you capsize a boat.
You should cry gurgled and salty
with hate in your gut and a lump in your throat.

Slowly your breath will run out and your lips start to sag,
you'll sink to the depths of the earth and get lost in the waves.

But if you should die, I'd be a time bomb,
a nuclear winter a short fuse away,
and if you should cry, I'll be your tissues
and laugh all the sadness right off of your face.

Slowly your pain will run out and your lips start to curl
we'll forget the lash of our tongues and remember the swirl.
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."
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#2
not sure if it fits your intent, but i´d replace the two "should"s in the first stanza with "will" .
maybe write "our boat" instead of "a boat"... because it just seems too obvious to deserve an unspecific "a".

"time bomb" and "nuclear winter" is pretty powerful.. makes me think of a greek myth.
maybe consider writing "but if you´d die i would become a time bomb / its nuclear winter just a fuse away"

" the tissues" following in the next stanza seem almost too mundane. not that i have a good idea what to replace them with (maybe something like a desert soaking up those tears.. aah, cheesy)

"remember the swirl" leads back to the capsized boat. i like how you dissolve the catastrophe (though a cynical part cries ´wishful thinking´ after how dramatic it began).
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