smoke signs
#1
smoke signs                                            (edit thanks to Keith, Todd, Nibbed and Knot)

shapes of clouds
are leaving me
with less breath left
to give replies.
this one goes out
into the sky,
spreads fleeting wings
once more to be
erased in wind.




smoke signs in altitude

clouds left my mouth,
leaving me
with less breath left
to give reply.
this one goes out
into the sky,
grows furtive wings
to be unshaped
and then
to be erased in wind.



as always (though in misc) heavy crit on form, grammar and whatever would be welcomed, as well as (and that´s why it´s in misc) interpretation/ short feedback on what it says.. though i guess there´s not so much to interpret here
...
Reply
#2
(11-20-2017, 05:28 PM)vagabond Wrote:  smoke signs in altitude

clouds left my mouth,
leaving me
with less breath left
to give reply.
this one goes out
into the sky,
grows furtive wings
to be unshaped
and then
to be erased in wind.


as always (though in misc) heavy crit on form, grammar and whatever would be welcomed, as well as (and that´s why it´s in misc) interpretation/ short feedback on what it says.. though i guess there´s not so much to interpret here

Reads like someone blowing smoke rings and watching them drift appart, if its a meta, then could be about a relationship breaking up, the second use of left is a bit bumpy could be
clouds leave my mouth
with less breath left
to give reply

Grammer...Capital letter after a full stop ?
Form...Mouth, out...less, left....reply, sky....wings, wind I like them all and all works well for me.
Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#3
I like the sonics and overall conceit in the imagery.

(11-20-2017, 05:28 PM)vagabond Wrote:  smoke signs in altitude

clouds left my mouth,
leaving me
with less breath left
to give reply.
this one goes out
into the sky,
grows furtive wings
to be unshaped
and then
to be erased in wind.--consider abandoning the parallel structure and cut "to be". I think it would read better.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#4
I have to reply before I finish this egg sammich and have no brains at all.


smoke signs in altitude              -this reminded me of time when I thought God had left me and some wonderful pilot sky-wrote Jesus Loves You
                                                                                                                                                                                           freeing me from woe.
clouds left my mouth,              - words of spoken confusion
leaving me
with less breath left
to give reply.
this one goes out
into the sky,
grows furtive wings                    -wondering why furtive at all
to be unshaped
and then
to be erased in wind.                  - this might seem "bad", but it could also be very good for unseen reasons. I want to say the twin "to be"s
                                                                                                                                                                      might be reworked.

This could either be a message in a bottle lost at sea metaphor,
someone who smokes may be taken less serious, a misunderstanding,
or something ignored.

I like your poetry.


-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Reply
#5
clouds left my mouth,
leaving me
with less breath left
I agree with Keith about the repetition 'left' (though I'd take issue with the first)
So many other ways to describe 'clouds left my mouth'
(from exhaling to billowing - or even, substitute the first 'left' with 'leaving'
- and preserve the 'less breath left'.)
clouds leaving my mouth,
leaving me
with less breath left
to give reply.
I think either 'give' or 'reply' but not both.
Leave a line after 'out'.
(Two five line verses)

this one goes out
into the sky,
grows furtive wings
Don't understand 'furtive' - though (somewhat) clichéd
I'd suggest gossamer or similar
(and perhaps, 'spreads' for 'grows'?)
to be unshaped
and then
to be erased in wind.
Like 'unshaped' (and 'erased...' though not 'in wind');
sonically I'd suggest;
to be unshaped
and erased
[by the] wind


Don't think you can be 'in altitude'.

Enjoyed this, consistent imagery, nice sonics (as Todd said)
and concise.

Best, Knot
Reply
#6
thank you all for clear and helpful replies!
...
Reply
#7
I like your final revision.
It turned out good.


nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!