The picture she'll never paint
#1
He's greasy on the settee
as the dog licks between
his fat stubby toes,
tries to turn his neck by leaning backwards and rolling.

How long's it gonna take?
the match is about to start.

She hears him but keeps scouring the surface,
works hard to stay in the gym
and fills every room that he's not in.
Regrets are resolved in a full-length mirror
smoothed-out, down over her hips.

He hollers into the kitchen
I said how long is it gonna be?

About as quick as you were this morning
she mutters under her breath.
A piece of chicken at the surface of his soup
explodes, splattering above the sealed door.

She serves it up with bread and butter,
"I'm going out with Jean,
don't wait up".
She knows he loathes Jean, because of what
was burnt at her brother's barbeque.

They sit in a quiet corner of a country pub
beneath a picture of Bull dogs playing pool
and smoking cigars.
Jean smiles as she takes ice from her Gin & Tonic
and slides a warm hand under the table.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#2
(10-18-2017, 06:25 PM)Keith Wrote:  He's greasy on the settee
as the dog licks between
his fat stubby toes,
tries to turn his neck by leaning backwards and rolling.

How long's it gonna take?
the match is about to start.

She hears him but keeps scouring the surface,
works hard to stay in the gym                                           
and fills every room that he's not in.                                  
Regrets are resolved in a full-length mirror
smoothed-out, down over her hips.                          
He hollers into the kitchen
I said how long is it gonna be?

About as quick as you were this morning
she mutters under her breath.
A piece of chicken at the surface of his soup
explodes, splattering above the sealed door.

She serves it up with bread and butter,
"I'm going out with Jean,
don't wait up".
She knows he loathes Jean, because of what               sudden shift of perspective  .. draws the male character less indifferent (for lack of a better word) and more inhibited.
was burnt at the barbeque.                                  have some vague idea for that but no real clue .. you added brother´s, i could come up with two very different reasons for that too.

They sit in a quiet corner of a country pub
beneath a picture of Bull dogs playing pool
and smoking cigars.
Jean smiles as she takes ice from her Gin & Tonic
and slides a warm hand under the table.  

scenes of a story that is told between the lines.
talking seems senseless... and in the last stanza unnecessary.
i like how it first seems plain but is full of metas (which i don´t all understand  but some i find to be brilliant for this kind of relationship/ persons)
...
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#3
(10-19-2017, 01:50 PM)vagabond Wrote:  
(10-18-2017, 06:25 PM)Keith Wrote:  He's greasy on the settee
as the dog licks between
his fat stubby toes,
tries to turn his neck by leaning backwards and rolling.

How long's it gonna take?
the match is about to start.

She hears him but keeps scouring the surface,
works hard to stay in the gym                                           
and fills every room that he's not in.                                  
Regrets are resolved in a full-length mirror
smoothed-out, down over her hips.                          
He hollers into the kitchen
I said how long is it gonna be?

About as quick as you were this morning
she mutters under her breath.
A piece of chicken at the surface of his soup
explodes, splattering above the sealed door.

She serves it up with bread and butter,
"I'm going out with Jean,
don't wait up".
She knows he loathes Jean, because of what               sudden shift of perspective  .. draws the male character less indifferent (for lack of a better word) and more inhibited.
was burnt at the barbeque.                                  have some vague idea for that but no real clue .. you added brother´s, i could come up with two very different reasons for that too.

They sit in a quiet corner of a country pub
beneath a picture of Bull dogs playing pool
and smoking cigars.
Jean smiles as she takes ice from her Gin & Tonic
and slides a warm hand under the table.  

scenes of a story that is told between the lines.
talking seems senseless... and in the last stanza unnecessary.
i like how it first seems plain but is full of metas (which i don´t all understand  but some i find to be brilliant for this kind of relationship/ persons)
Hi Vagabond
Thank you for taking time on the poem, and for your comments this one needs an edit, so I'll come back to it after my holiday. Best Keith

(10-19-2017, 01:50 PM)vagabond Wrote:  
(10-18-2017, 06:25 PM)Keith Wrote:  He's greasy on the settee
as the dog licks between
his fat stubby toes,
tries to turn his neck by leaning backwards and rolling.

How long's it gonna take?
the match is about to start.

She hears him but keeps scouring the surface,
works hard to stay in the gym                                           
and fills every room that he's not in.                                  
Regrets are resolved in a full-length mirror
smoothed-out, down over her hips.                          
He hollers into the kitchen
I said how long is it gonna be?

About as quick as you were this morning
she mutters under her breath.
A piece of chicken at the surface of his soup
explodes, splattering above the sealed door.

She serves it up with bread and butter,
"I'm going out with Jean,
don't wait up".
She knows he loathes Jean, because of what               sudden shift of perspective  .. draws the male character less indifferent (for lack of a better word) and more inhibited.
was burnt at the barbeque.                                  have some vague idea for that but no real clue .. you added brother´s, i could come up with two very different reasons for that too.

They sit in a quiet corner of a country pub
beneath a picture of Bull dogs playing pool
and smoking cigars.
Jean smiles as she takes ice from her Gin & Tonic
and slides a warm hand under the table.  

scenes of a story that is told between the lines.
talking seems senseless... and in the last stanza unnecessary.
i like how it first seems plain but is full of metas (which i don´t all understand  but some i find to be brilliant for this kind of relationship/ persons)
Hi Vagabond
Thank you for taking time on the poem, and for your comments this one needs an edit, so I'll come back to it after my holiday. Best Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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