The End of the World
#1
The End of the World



there's four breakfasts
painted on this shirt --


you and i will live
dull lives

circles of seasons, not wet and dry, alone and quiet and intimate
with you

with nothing new
we'll leave the getting drunk

to other eyes,
we'll leave the drama of getting old

behind,
we'll not write poems, we'll not write songs, we'll not write cycles
to be criticized

out in the country of cider and maple syrup
where i should be -- yellow, not red,
not green, not blue -- where i should be
out in the country of muesli and full cream milk

with you the muse
and sundress homemaker --


my dear, my sweet, my bowl of honey,
you've attracted flies
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#2
(10-15-2017, 09:43 AM)RiverNotch Wrote:  The End of the World



there's four breakfasts
painted on this shirt --


you and i we'll live I think without a comma after "i" will would work better than "we'll"
dull lives

circles of seasons, not wet and dry, alone and quiet and intimate
with you

with nothing new
we'll leave the getting drunk

to other eyes,
we'll leave the drama of getting old

behind,
we'll not write poems, we'll not write songs, we'll not write cycles
to be criticized

out in the country of cider and maple syrup
where i should be -- yellow, not red,
not green, not blue -- where i should be
out in the country of muesli and full cream milk full fat milk sounds nicer- and might be more accurate?

with you the muse
and sundress homemaker -- love this image. quietly nostalgic


my dear, my sweet, my bowl of honey, 
you've attracted flies sickly sweet turns morbid. I like it

Hey River. My favorite part of this is the subtle yet consistent rhymes. - lives/dry/eyes/behind/criticized/flies. Very nice.

Paul

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#3
Hi,
Given the last stanza, it seems your poem is about honey. However, I was confused what the poem was about until the very end. This could just be me, I’m not the most experienced poem reader, but maybe consider presenting who the “you” is earlier on. Also, the vast difference in line length is a bit distracting. You may have done this to highlight the shorter lines like in stanza three so ignor this comment is this is the case. Over all I really love the imagery and where you chose to make the stanza breaks. The poem flows really nicely.
Great job!
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#4
Thanks for the feedback. Will'd we'll. As for full fat, only ever encountered full cream over here, so to me the latter sounds more natural by far, although as far as I know they're both the same?
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#5
The ending of this is great. Paints a very nice visual in my mind. So smooth-not like honey.
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