The Cut
#1
The Cut
 
Sure it's painful for you,
certainly we all must endure
your constant, loud screaming.
Sewing the rest up except for
a small hole-we wouldn't want you to explode.
Just focus on all the pleasure
this will bring your husband.
One day.
 
erthona
 
©2017
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#2
(10-07-2017, 03:17 AM)Erthona Wrote:  The Cut
 
Sure it's painful for you,
certainly we all must endure
your constant, loud screaming.
Sewing the rest up except for
a small hole-we would want you to explode.
Just focus on all the pleasure
this will bring your husband.
One day.
 
erthona
 
©2017

Even I gave a sharp intake of breath,
did you mean we wouldn't want you to explode?

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#3
(10-07-2017, 03:17 AM)Erthona Wrote:  The Cut
 
Sure it's painful for you,
certainly we all must endure
your constant, loud screaming.
Sewing the rest up except for
a small hole-we would want you to explode.
Just focus on all the pleasure
this will bring your husband.
One day.
 
erthona
 
©2017
Good poem, horrific subject (FGM).

It reads well. Do you need "loud"? It feels redundant.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#4
Ooer!  Sad
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#5
Keith, Yes, thanks, I just caught that myself, when I came back to correct and saw you had already do so. Thanks again, good eye.

dale

Todd,

you may disagree, or have a suggestion of some other way to achieve it, but I was aiming for the long suffering countenance of the woman who was doing the "procedure." Any suggestion would be gratefully received.


dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#6
I just thought loud was unnecessary--as screaming is by its nature loud. I think your intent came across. These are the things they tell themselves and each other to stay sane. Or it is simply their live and they adapt.

My horrific comment was from an outsider looking in.

I have no problem with the tone and perspective the poem spoke from.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#7
Yes, but you have a very good ear and I respect that. I will think upon the idea. I don't want it to be a sticking place in the poem.

Thanks,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply




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