Dormant
#1
Dormant
 
It's nice to have the kitchen clean
before winter;
 
when the mania comes
I could topple a king.
 
On a swell of adrenaline
I made a Thanksgiving meal
for a few of my friends—
trying to sow some seeds
of momentum by good will.
 
It could have been
the wine,
or maybe the gentle hands
of tryptophan,
or both,
that lowered me
into hibernation
again.
 
But I dreamed of them,
out there cleaning their kitchens
and toppling kings and asking each other,
"Where is Mikey? He would have loved this."

Reply
#2
Hi TtL
I enjoyed this, I wasn't sure we're it was taking me until the N shrunk away from sight, I'm not a fan of the title by the whole sequence works well, some thoughts. Best Keith
(09-25-2017, 10:42 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Dormant
 
It's nice to have the kitchen clean
before winter; sets up the read nicely and does enough to get my interest
 
when the mania comes
I could topple a king. Great I know how this feels with a wink at border line ocd
 
On a swell of adrenaline
I made a Thanksgiving meal
for a few of my friends—
trying to sow some seeds
of momentum by good will. By or with?
 
It could have been
the wine,
or maybe the gentle hands
of tryptophan,
or both,
that lowered me
into hibernation
again. Solid sequence really turns the read and the Poem on its head. I would end the poem here but that's me
 
But I dreamed of them,
out there cleaning their kitchens
and toppling kings and asking each other,
"Where is Mikey? He would have loved this."this line would make a great title

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Reply
#3
(09-27-2017, 07:58 AM)Keith Wrote:  Hi TtL
I enjoyed this, I wasn't sure we're it was taking me until the N shrunk away from sight, I'm not a fan of the title by the whole sequence works well, some thoughts. Best Keith
(09-25-2017, 10:42 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Dormant
 
It's nice to have the kitchen clean
before winter; sets up the read nicely and does enough to get my interest
 
when the mania comes
I could topple a king. Great I know how this feels with a wink at border line ocd
 
On a swell of adrenaline
I made a Thanksgiving meal
for a few of my friends—
trying to sow some seeds
of momentum by good will. By or with?
 
It could have been
the wine,
or maybe the gentle hands
of tryptophan,
or both,
that lowered me
into hibernation
again. Solid sequence really turns the read and the Poem on its head. I would end the poem here but that's me
 
But I dreamed of them,
out there cleaning their kitchens
and toppling kings and asking each other,
"Where is Mikey? He would have loved this."this line would make a great title

Hey Keith. Thanks for your input. I've quickly fallen out of love with the last line, so the idea of using it as the title is something to consider. 
Paul

Reply
#4
(09-25-2017, 10:42 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Dormant There isn't enough temporal separation, I think, from the moment of the poem's being and the moments where the speaker's "on a swell of adrenaline", to merit such a title. Even if the ending's "Dormant", the dreaming could be just as vital as *reality*, and in all the dormancy's just one and a half stanzas. 
 
It's nice to have the kitchen clean
before winter; I would prefer an em dash here, but only because, at least for this case only, I love em dashes.
 
when the mania comes
I could topple a king.
 
On a swell of adrenaline That rhyme, "king -- adrenaline", is so weird, especially since the stresses don't match. Still, I think it works, as "mania" implies just how wrong the rhyme's supposed to be.
I made a Thanksgiving meal
for a few of my friends—
trying to sow some seeds
of momentum by good will. I do like the inversion here.
 
It could have been
the wine,
or maybe the gentle hands
of tryptophan, From personal experience, it's every heavy meal that I get drowsy, not the particularly proteinaceous, and a cursory look at wikipedia (and a cursory remembrance of my biochem course) tells me such an effect is an urban myth. Even with the rhyme, I think this error is far too detracting to keep.
or both, Perhaps remove all the commas this stanza, to make the lines flow better?
that lowered me
into hibernation
again. I don't see the point of "again".
 
But I dreamed of them,
out there cleaning their kitchens
and toppling kings and asking each other, Same point on comma removal for this line.
"Where is Mikey? He would have loved this." A period for an ending doesn't feel quite as manic as the return to the swells of the first three stanzas seems to point to. Exclamation mark, perhaps, or maybe an em dash, which should imply breathlessness or continuity.

Sort of like this, but the "mania" comes too pointedly, and the *depression* too softly, for me to find this a complete enough picture. Beautiful, but, at least for me, not quite real enough. 
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!