< if i haven't confused the dreams >
#1


            İmage


                                            < if i haven't confused the dreams >
                                               
                                               
                                                if i haven't confused the dreams
                                                you will come home
                                               
                                                the rain
                                                and the sounds
                                                and the stillness
                                                left like smiles
                                                like our eyes
                                                when it's dark
                                               
                                                clocks twist right
                                                and i keep watching them
                                                never knowing when
                                                to expect you
                                               
                                                you're gone from this moment
                                                but i won't give up counting
                                               
                                                you're here in the stillness
                                                in the remembered sounds
                                                like a rain without words
                                                singing
                                                just to hear a voice
                                                just to give up waiting
                                               
                                                if i haven't confused the dreams
                                                you will come home
                                               
                                                                - - -


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#2
Hi Ray
This is quite haunting and atmospheric, I don't think I needed the picture, you words were enough to convey the image. I really like the title setting up the whole piece, I struggled to interpret, left like smiles like our eyes when it's dark, the left like smiles line closes off the previous lines so I wasn't expecting another simaly so quickly so it confused the image I had. The penultimate stanza is my favourite, I know it's sad but it's set in those cold quiet moment when we're at our most vulnerable. I also like how you use the repeat in the close and how it lets the reader decide happy or sad ending. Very much enjoyed the read Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#3
I really like the image. reminds me of scratched vinyl, suits the longing for the fresh past now beat to shit that the poem holds.
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#4
you cram such a lot into a simple poem.
"clocks twist right" is one of the best images i've read in a long time.

the rest of the poem is full of loneliness, hope and belief. good stuff
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#5
i like the image on its own -- i don't particularly like it with this piece. it's unnecessary -- or perhaps i've just had enough of rain, this damned rainy season is making my get-home-at-seven-o'clocks become get-home-at-nine. really, my schedule is rather ideal: fuck the Philippine public transportation system, fuck Manila's ill-planned streets, fuck anthropogenic climate change.

as for the piece itself, i don't think there's really anything to say. it's its own thing, when compared to the image -- when compared to stuff outside of the thread, well, it definitely pushed a little tear out of my eye. really beautiful, and a little purer than some of the stuff you've lately posted before this, in the sense that, at least for me, the emotions are evoked without utilizing any special techniques (or soft cheek). it might venture into the too mundane, it reads that unassuming, but then "clocks twist right", and, at least for me, the solid memorability of "if i haven't confused the dreams". really, really, really lovely work.
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#6
(09-20-2017, 09:31 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:                                                  if i haven't confused the dreams
                                                you will come home
                                               
                                                the rain
                                                and the sounds
                                                and the stillness                                                  
                                                left like smiles
                                                like our eyes
                                                when it's dark                       "..left like eyes in the dark". not really gone
                                               
                                                clocks twist right                                     twist.. painfully
                                                and i keep watching them
                                                never knowing when
                                                to expect you
                                               
                                                you're gone from this moment
                                                but i won't give up counting            counting.. seems to be counting against the clock. a fight of faith against pain
                                               
                                                you're here in the stillness                      
                                                in the remembered sounds
                                                like a rain without words
                                                singing
                                                just to hear a voice
                                                just to give up waiting                   give up waiting.. for something else. dreams, delusions. there´s danger in this line.
                                               
                                                if i haven't confused the dreams
                                                you will come home                                  
                                            

this is such a strong call.
...
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