Hackneyed love song
#1
Edit 1

I'm in love with you.
It doesn't look like love,
the cliched meet cute drill,
but there's a twinkling in the sky 
when we converse, you and I,
and the wind falls still.
If it isn't love, call it what you will.




Original

I think I'm in love with you
though it doesn't look like love,
the cliched meet cute drill.
But there's a kind of twinkling in the sky 
when we converse, you and I,
and the wind falls suddenly still.
It isn't love, then call it what you will.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#2
(07-15-2017, 07:13 AM)Achebe Wrote:  Hackneyed love song 

I think I'm in love with you
though it doesn't look like love,
the cliched meet cute drill.
But there's a kind of twinkling in the sky 
when we converse, you and I, could cut the "you and I" here, I would mainly because there's another "and" at the start of the next line, and it's implied.
and the wind falls suddenly still.
It isn't love, then call it what you will. I think there should be an "if" at the start of this line.


It could be photopsias - you might want to see an optometrist.
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."
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#3
(07-15-2017, 07:13 AM)Achebe Wrote:  Hackneyed love song 

I think I'm in love with you.
though It doesn't look like love,
the cliched meet cute drill,
but there's a kind of twinkling in the sky 
when we converse, you and I,
and the wind falls suddenly still.
If it isn't love, then call it what you will.



I like this! The tentative tendrils that reach to follow the sun.
Poetry can be dangerous, especially beautiful poetry, because it gives the illusion of having had the experience without actually going through it.

~ Rumi
feedback award

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#4
Thanks, WJ, JM.
Mercedes - your tweaks make a lot of sense and have been adopted
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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