Prothalamion revisited
#1
Edit 1
Sweet Themmes, run softly
for the day is not long
to close, and she
not among 
the shadows on your banks,
though the hour draws near
when I end my song.

Original


Sweet Themmes, run softly
for the day is not long
to close, and she
not among
those thronging on your banks,
though the hour draws near
where I end my song.

~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#2
(07-08-2017, 01:00 AM)Achebe Wrote:  Sweet Themmes, run softly
for the day is not long
to close, and she
not among
those thronging on your banks,
though the hour draws near
where I end my song.

Hey Achebe. With a little patience I found the original, which was new to me. So thanks for that. There is a subtlety to the rhymes that I really enjoyed. Especially the slanted "among" dead in the middle.
Cheers for the read. 
Paul

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#3
Thanks, Achebe, I never heard the word prothalamion nor read Spencer's poem, he sure can run on. Smile I had to look up whilom, too.

"There whilom wont the Templar Knights to bide, " What a line.

I like:
Not among
those thronging on your banks
but "where" in the last line sounds a bit off, seems like "when" would be right to my ear, maybe I'm missing something.

Thanks for the read(s).

(07-08-2017, 01:00 AM)Achebe Wrote:  Sweet Themmes, run softly
for the day is not long
to close, and she
not among
those thronging on your banks,
though the hour draws near
where I end my song.
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#4
thanks, Tiger, Ella.
I have half a mind to throw in a 'shadows' to half-rhyme with 'close' at the expense of 'thronging'....there, I've done it.
@ella - I thought the near / where combo would sound ok, but I guess when / end is more pleasing to the ear.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#5
(07-08-2017, 04:02 AM)Achebe Wrote:  thanks, Tiger, Ella.
I have half a mind to throw in a 'shadows' to half-rhyme with 'close' at the expense of 'thronging'....there, I've done it.
@ella - I thought the near / where combo would sound ok, but I guess when / end is more pleasing to the ear.

Shadows is nice sonically, but throngs painted more of a wedding picture for me. You might be able to have your cake and eat it too with "those shadows that throng..." or something like it.

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#6
Thanks, Tiger. I'll avoid revising for a bit as I can see what I posted a while back, and it sucks grandly X-(
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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