The Wife
#1
The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath
as he jumped the elevator
twenty minutes before the interview
when she texted,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.

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#2
(07-01-2017, 12:44 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath
as he jumped the elevator
twenty minutes before the interview
when she text, texted
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.
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#3
(07-01-2017, 12:44 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath--Great first line
as he jumped the elevator--This line adds nothing and could be cut.
twenty minutes before the interview
when she text,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.--I'd like something a little more surprising or open-ended, something subject to interpretation, a little more dangerous. It needs more oomph to be the payoff we need.
Just some thoughts,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#4
I really like this short Tiger, I wish I had'nt read Todds comments because I agree with most and don't have much more to add so I'm going to be specific, but they are just my thoughts. See comments, best Keith

(07-01-2017, 12:44 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath Strong opener we are plunged into the scene
as he jumped the elevator I like that this gives us a setting tall office block maybe, but it needs something more. could be crowded?
twenty minutes before the interview twenty mins is a long time this makes me think he's leaving an appartment building so I'm not sure maybe 10 mins
when she text,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling. This end doesnt work hard enough in such a short poem maybe link it back to the sex some how? I think your wearing my pants Smile

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#5
Thanks for reading everyone.
@tectak - I researched it beforehand and I'm still unsure.  Huh

@Todd, Keith - I wanted there to be some ambiguity as to whether the sex was extramarital or not. - An exploration of the connotations of the word "lover" if you will. The last line falls a little flat for this reason. 
I also intended the elevator to be descending from an apartment more than ascending an office building. - That's how I arrived at 20 minutes after some deliberation. Thanks for the observations. I have a few tweaks to consider.
Paul

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#6
(07-05-2017, 10:53 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Thanks for reading everyone.
@tectak - I researched it beforehand and I'm still unsure.  Huh

@Todd, Keith - I wanted there to be some ambiguity as to whether the sex was extramarital or not. - An exploration of the connotations of the word "lover" if you will. The last line falls a little flat for this reason. 
I also intended the elevator to be descending from an apartment more than ascending an office building. - That's how I arrived at 20 minutes after some deliberation. Thanks for the observations. I have a few tweaks to consider.
Paul

It's a worry. Pedantically, "text" IS a noun, not a verb...so used  you would have to tense it... So, I WILL text you, I am TEXTING you, I TEXTED you.... harrrrruuummmmmpppphhhhh!
I guess the confusion is because narratively speaking(Smile) one can say "Text me.." Oh, the modern world....
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#7
(07-05-2017, 11:18 PM)tectak Wrote:  
(07-05-2017, 10:53 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Thanks for reading everyone.
@tectak - I researched it beforehand and I'm still unsure.  Huh

@Todd, Keith - I wanted there to be some ambiguity as to whether the sex was extramarital or not. - An exploration of the connotations of the word "lover" if you will. The last line falls a little flat for this reason. 
I also intended the elevator to be descending from an apartment more than ascending an office building. - That's how I arrived at 20 minutes after some deliberation. Thanks for the observations. I have a few tweaks to consider.
Paul

It's a worry. Pedantically, "text" IS a noun, not a verb...so used  you would have to tense it... So, I WILL text you, I am TEXTING you, I TEXTED you.... harrrrruuummmmmpppphhhhh!

Done. I can't bear the harumphing!

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#8
(07-01-2017, 12:44 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  The Wife
 
He still had lover's breath
as he jumped the elevator
twenty minutes before the interview    The tense changes in this line which makes the next read 'texts' instead of "texts".
when she texted,
 
Everything will be fine, my darling.

Other than that I really enjoyed this short because it reminded me of how the little things such as a reminder from a loved one can calm or soothe someone. 
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